Avatar’s plot is virtually identical to Ferngully, a shit-for-brains, message-heavy kids’ cartoon about pixies who must stop loggers from destroying their rainforest. One human pretends to be a pixie and falls in love with the pixies and discovers how precious their world is.
If I hadn’t seen the other four Star Wars movies, I would think Attack of the Clones was 90 minutes of shit and 45 minutes of decent movie. Having seen the others, though, I think this one is 90 minutes of shit and 45 minutes of really good movie.
All of the actors who passed on the script for Alone in the Dark smelled this heap of shit while it was still in the mail truck down the street. But Slater, Reid and Dorff either didn’t smell it or thought it had the pleasing odor of their own farts.
Solaris raises interesting questions, and then it answers them before it dares let an audience do anything as dangerous as think for itself. There are long, dull passages of dialog that don’t illuminate the issues. Instead they lay them out like a textbook.
The story starts slower than a 400 meter race at the Special Olympics. You sort of want to shake the participants and yell “Go that way and speed it up!”
The plot, which hit us in drab greasy blobs of expository dialog is some goth kid’s wet dream about cloning and a perfect society collapsing because the clones are beginning to remember past lives, and some asshole who wants to live forever killing off women who get pregnant because that means no clones.
The mutant monsters are back, bitches. All of them. Godzilla, Kong, and me. They’re back and misunderstood. I’m back and understood all too well.
Upgrade is like an Ayn Rand convention, where everyone thinks they’re much more clever than they really are. On an almost scene by scene basis this movie undercuts its own logic in a rush to get to its big, dumb-ass obvious climax.
It ends the Star Wars saga with a dull thud, a sad and easy wrap-up, as though the whole thing had been a sitcom on the CW starring Tony Danza, and this was its last season. I’m glad it’s finally over and people can get the divorce from it they’ve needed for over three decades.
Star Wars is entirely about a very structured and predetermined destiny, and the gadfly writers and directors Disney hires and fires are forced to try to squeeze a little bit of personality into the cracks in the structure. Nobody in charge of this universe gives a fuck about the characters, just that we get to the next big battle and then promote the next movie.
