A. I.: Artificial Intelligence
The story starts slower than a 400 meter race at the Special Olympics. You sort of want to shake the participants and yell “Go that way and speed it up!”
Tag: PG-13
Aeon Flux
The plot, which hit us in drab greasy blobs of expository dialog is some goth kid’s wet dream about cloning and a perfect society collapsing because the clones are beginning to remember past lives, and some asshole who wants to live forever killing off women who get pregnant because that means no clones.
Catch Me if you Can
I wanted more chasing and crimes, to see how the kid did it. But Spielberg thinks a character can’t sneeze without some corny backstory to explain it.
Kong vs. Godzilla
The mutant monsters are back, bitches. All of them. Godzilla, Kong, and me. They’re back and misunderstood. I’m back and understood all too well.
500 Days of Summer
I am sad to say that in (Summer) a character struts around Los Angeles to a Hall & Oates tune with a flank of Solid Gold rejects, and that an animated bluebird of happiness also appears. The movie’s guts are not only shaped by the makers’ belief in the twee drivel of “Belle and Sebastian”, it directly quotes the band and then tells us doing so is irresistible.
21
o compound the shitty obviousness of the plot is the incredibly lame characters are. Besides Sturgess being as bland and doughy as the bread at Subway, the rest of the blackjack team is nondescript.
Tomb Raider
Tomb Raider spends a shitload of screen time having characters tell us that Lara and her dad are both brilliant. It spends no time showing us that they are.
The Mummy
The Mummy is like that sixth trip through the line at the Golden Corral. It’s way too God damn much of a terrible thing. This movie is a relentless barrage of same, grayish-brown slabs of Tom Cruise proving he’s a fucking man, proving he can take a punch or get thrown, dragged or dropped.
The Circle
The Circle is a great reminder that Hollywood is full of fucking phonies and frauds, pricks so far up their own assholes they think they’re doing us a favor when they point out the obvious.
Star Wars Part IX: Forced Walking
It ends the Star Wars saga with a dull thud, a sad and easy wrap-up, as though the whole thing had been a sitcom on the CW starring Tony Danza, and this was its last season. I’m glad it’s finally over and people can get the divorce from it they’ve needed for over three decades.