Tomb Raider
Tomb Raider spends a shitload of screen time having characters tell us that Lara and her dad are both brilliant. It spends no time showing us that they are.
Tag: 2 Fingers
The Lovers
The love leaked out like the helium in a week-old party balloon, and now all that is left is a soft, shriveled ball hovering an inch off the floor behind the sofa.
Star Wars Part IX: Forced Walking
It ends the Star Wars saga with a dull thud, a sad and easy wrap-up, as though the whole thing had been a sitcom on the CW starring Tony Danza, and this was its last season. I’m glad it’s finally over and people can get the divorce from it they’ve needed for over three decades.
Star Wars Part 8: The Lastest Star Wars Jedi
Star Wars is entirely about a very structured and predetermined destiny, and the gadfly writers and directors Disney hires and fires are forced to try to squeeze a little bit of personality into the cracks in the structure. Nobody in charge of this universe gives a fuck about the characters, just that we get to the next big battle and then promote the next movie.
Sorry to Bother You
There is something exciting about watching an unrestrained movie, one that projectile vomits fresh ideas and jokes onto the big screen. This is especially true when the typical movie experience is becoming increasingly sanitized and safe.
Solo: A Star Wars Story
Well, that was unnecessary.
Snatched
I have this rule about comedies; they should be funny. Snatched isn’t. It starts out with a few jokes, mostly easy, and then it wilts faster than an old man’s dick in the peanut butter.
Ralph Breaks the Internet
Ralph is so of-the-moment that it already feels stale. Its themes are so tacked on that they won’t resonate. Kids won’t come back to this movie when they’re older and see deeper meaning in it. There is none.
Pacific Rim Uprising
If a monster climbing the side of a mountain while humans think of some way to stop it doesn’t sound very exciting, it’s because it isn’t. It’s fucking lame. And so is Pacific Rim: Uprising.
Oceans 8
Ocean’s 8 is polished and refined, glossy like those two-inch thick fashion magazines full of crap nobody ever wears. That shit is a circle jerk for people who give a rat’s ass what other people’s shoes cost.