Cats
I read a critic who said Cats was so weird it was impossible to review. That’s not true. It’s easy to review. It’s fucking awful. Even its weirdness is awful.
Category: Movie Reviews
Brad’s Status
Brad is a passive shithead. He complains a lot, in voiceover and on screen, but the most action he takes is to toss and turn in bed. Oh, and the one scene where he has a tickle fight with his teenaged son.
Black Panther
Black Panther is really fucking boring and self-serious. I haven’t heard this many Goddamn self-righteous speeches since the City Council meeting where they voted to close the last video store in town that carried pornos.
BlacKkKlansman
I don’t regret seeing BlacKkKlansman, despite the title’s stupid-ass spelling of the title–seriously, it feels like something a board room full of old men would think sounded cool and urban.
Beach Bum Fights 3
I worried I’d struggle understanding the characters, their histories and motivations. “Wait, why did that fat guy just bite her?” and “Who is Choochie and why did the girl with the Juggalo tattoo say she wanted to kill him?”
Baby Driver
Baby Driver is a nerdy genre movie. It’s sort of like a know-it-all guy named Dexter wearing Arthur Fonzarelli’s leather jacket to trivia night at the pub. It looks cool at first, but the coolness doesn’t hold up to inspection. It was borrowed and tacked on. Underneath it, there’s still Dexter, and he’s still a dork.
Avengers: Infinity War
It is the comic book equivalent of 24 hours of porn. One big fight is great. Two is okay. But by the 40th time some dude in armor shoots lasers out of his hands, the joy is long gone and you’re just praying the whole fucking thing will end.
A Simple Favor
It took five minutes for me to realize A Simple Favor isn’t meant for me. I’m sure it has its purpose, as does the Chilton repair manual for a 1988 Geo Metro. But I have no fucking clue how to use either. No matter how many times I’ve dreamed of owning a Metro, I could…
The Art of Self Defense
The Art of Self-Defense is a fart of a movie. The thing about farts, though, is people don’t mind their own. In fact, director Stearns is probably pretty fucking proud of this one.
Ant-Man and the Wasp
The plot is sort of like a truck full of tube socks. Nobody gives a shit whether it makes it to the destination except the people selling them.