Geostorm
This “climate-change thriller” is as idiotic as the scientific wisdom of someone who buys magically-charged stones from Gwyneth Paltrow and won’t vaccinate her kids.
Month: March 2021
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
One movie into a franchise, and the Guardians are already taking a valedictory lap. It’s a bloated spectacle, a jam band encore where every guy on stage gets to do a solo.
Game Night
There are some bright moments in the movie, many coming from Max and Annie’s next door neighbor, a deeply unsettled and lonely cop (Jesse Plemons) who sure would like to be included in game nights. But the best bits come early, before the story becomes as twisted up as a Doberman’s intestines.
The Emoji Movie
What if, in fact, the people in Hollywood actually love shit like The Emoji Movie. What if all of these executives who have risen to the top of a cutthroat international, multi-billion dollar industry aren’t cold-hearted businessmen, but instead naïve dumbasses more easily entertained than the kid in preschool who puts his hands down his pants and then smells his fingers all day?
Pokémon Detective Pikachu
Detective Pikachu is a mystery, but not really. I mean, not in the sense that anyone put the fucking effort to come up with an engaging or clever puzzle.
The Dark Tower
If you’re thinking about writing a story set in a derelict amusement park: don’t. In fact, one way not to be a shitty hack is to avoid any idea that’s already been done by both R. L. Stine and Scooby Doo. But, if you just can’t resist the allure of the mossy, spooky vacant rollercoaster,…
Cats
I read a critic who said Cats was so weird it was impossible to review. That’s not true. It’s easy to review. It’s fucking awful. Even its weirdness is awful.
Brad’s Status
Brad is a passive shithead. He complains a lot, in voiceover and on screen, but the most action he takes is to toss and turn in bed. Oh, and the one scene where he has a tickle fight with his teenaged son.
Booksmart
Teens with little to no experience with alcohol, drugs and sex decide to throw caution to the wind to comedic effect. This is the plot of about 50% of the movies from the 80s and about 20% of those from the 90s.
Black Panther
Black Panther is really fucking boring and self-serious. I haven’t heard this many Goddamn self-righteous speeches since the City Council meeting where they voted to close the last video store in town that carried pornos.