New Master Plan Attempts to Keep Millbank Safe
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Helen Hamilton   
Friday, 24 June 2016 19:03

MILLBANK - In its lengthy and eventful history, Millbank has survived countless floods, fires, disease outbreaks and wild animal attacks. Mobs have grown violent over pudding shortages. Hoodlums have defaced public art without remorse. This checkered past has influenced Millbank's master planning team in designing a new and improved Millbank.

“Other towns have to consider natural disasters as well,” says City Councilman and owner/ manager of Gary’s Pet Emporium, Gary Shanks, “but in Millbank, we’ve had to learn to expect the unexpected.” To that end, the city council and Clean Springs-based firm Civic Excellence Consultants have worked closely with the Disaster Lab at Tri-City Community College in order to identify the dangers most likely to hit Millbank and what protections are needed to avoid them.Disaster plan for Millbank

In the latest plans released by the Clean Springs-based master planning company, Civic Excellence Consultants, heavy dikes would be constructed adjacent not only to the Water River, but also Duck Pond and the Millbank Aquatic Complex. “Millbank’s topography is such that it is almost impossible to go even fourteen months without a major flood event,” explains Lawrence Kliphoffer, Principal Planner BM BO XYZPDQ. The dikes are reinforced by soft absorbent padding, which will also protect the “accident-prone populace” as it walks along the proposed new greenbelt trail. “Actually, most surfaces in the town will be wrapped in this same material,” says Kliphoffer, “we’ve learned from our research that Millbankians simply can’t deal with sharp corners or hard surfaces. We believe this change will result in over 45% fewer emergency room visits within the first year of installation.”

The master planners have also considered some of the social aspects of their plans. “Many towns are designing public spaces, such as parks or plazas, to allow for informal mingling and a sense of community. We know from our time in Millbank that this is just asking for trouble. The new plan purposefully keeps residents separated. Think of it as ‘out of sight, out of mind’.” Kliphoffer estimates that these changes will reduce police hotline calls by 66% and pellet gun use by 87%.

Other new features of the master plan include strategically-placed towers with armed guards to take out any potentially threatening wild animals and softly piped music to calm juveniles before they commit any antisocial offenses. Local resident Linda Ovine, 59, after hearing of the plans, remarked, “Giant diapers and snipers are very well and good, but what about the gamma rays or slide whistles? What will the planners do to save us from those abominations?”

When presented with these concerns, Kliphoffer sighed and added gamma rays and slide whistles to his list of possible disasters. “If we could, we would construct a big plastic bubble to put around the whole town,” says Kliphoffer. “Perhaps in a few years, the technology will finally be there. It’s not so much that we’re worried about danger coming into town as stupidity leaking out.”

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Last Updated on Friday, 24 June 2016 19:16

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