Hoodlums, not Hooligans, Responsible for Crime Spree
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   
Saturday, 23 April 2016 20:24

Local Advocate says to Fear Hoodlums but Embrace Hooligans

A wave of pranks and misdeeds has swept through Millbank in recent weeks and left authorities and parents blaming the city’s hooligan population. Adults have vowed swift justice and red fannies.

Poop Graffiti in Millbank

Not so fast, says Clarence T. Whipoorwill, head of the Hooligan Advocacy Network.

“What we’ve seen isn’t our dear, sweet hooligans,” said Mr. Whipoorwill. “These heinous crimes are the work of dirty hoodlums.”

The crimes he speaks of are recent incidents such as feeding Millbank’s ducks fake rubber bread, a crank call to Lotsa Value Hardware that resulted in store management throwing its entire inventory of hammers through the plate-glass windows, and graffiti of a term for feces sprayed onto the high school with permanent paint.

“Our hooligans are better than that,” said Mr. Whipoorwill from his bachelor unit at theDownhill Moderate Senior Living Facility. “We’ve raised them better. Sure they can be rowdy and scary, but they are generally in bed at a reasonable hour, love our ducks, and hate poop.”

Mr. Whipoorwill said he believes the recent terror spree is the work of rougher, more poorly-parented band of hoodlums that are over from Chesterburgh Point. But Police Chief Vern Howard disagrees and believes the problem is local.

“Our hooligans can be pretty mean,” said the Chief. “They once published a newspaper that said I smelled bad. They filled that poor man’s slide-whistle with cement. And we are very close to charging two local youths for the loosened salt-shaker cap tragedy.” Mr. Howard was referring to a five-year-old case that resulted in several breakfasts at the Koffee Klatsch being ruined.

Frightened Ducks - Millbank“Blaming hooligans for these crimes is a mistake,” insists Mr. Whipoorwill. “Speaking on their behalf, I would like to offer the police our support in catching the Chesterburgh Point hoodlums so that Millbank can return to its normal, lower level of fear and intimidation at the hands of our very own hooligans.”

When asked about Mr. Whipoorill’s comments by the Millbank Daily-Weekly, local hooligans who were skateboarding in a clearly-marked “Skateboard Free Zone” said, “The old man should stuff a sock in it.”

Mr. Whipoorwill chuckled and said, “I wouldn’t expect any less from them.”

Meanwhile, Millbank police have raised the Hooligan Alert Level to Red and asked residents to monitor their teenaged children for any suspicious activity, moody behavior or backtalk.


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