Millbank’s Future May Include Pickleball Headquarters, Ducks
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Helen Hamilton   
Saturday, 16 April 2016 17:54

MILLBANK - After weeks of meeting with different constituents and sifting through thousands of data points, the Clean Springs-based firm Civic Excellence Consultants (CEC) has one thing to say about Millbank. "It's literally impossible to make anyone happy around here," declares Lawrence Kliphoffer, Principal Planner FHCMM BS LMNOP.

“You have your old cranks and your young jerks and your middle-aged nobodies,” says Kliphoffer. “And they all want Millbank to be in their image. Well, let me tell you, if we did that, this place would be a disaster, worse than Dump Town. You ever heard about Dump Town? Of course not, Dump Town worked with Tangent Enterprises for their city planning. Now it’s just a fiery crevice with an evil smell coming out. And lots of gnats.”

Kliphoffer and his staff sent out a survey in January 2016 that asked residents to identify why they chose to live in Millbank. Answers ranged from “No choice; I’m locked in the root cellar” to “They wouldn’t let me in Chesterburgh Point because of my skin condition.” However, Kliphoffer says that the most common answer was “Butterscotch Pudding”, with over 56% of respondents writing that in the “other” slot.

The survey also asked residents to rate certain amenities in order of importance. According to Kliphoffer, those that responded with the choices provided were evenly split among parks and green space, infrastructure, safety, education and affordability. However, says Kliphoffer, this is not an indication that residents want all of those services; indeed, it tells the consultants that these items pale in importance compared to the items written in by the vast majority of Millbankians: pickleball, shaming young people and feeding ducks.

“Feeding ducks is almost eight times as important as well-maintained roads in Millbank,” admits Kliphoffer. “How do you build a town centered on feeding ducks? Ducks are assholes, everyone knows that.”

CEC also met with dozens of Millbank’s civic organizations to learn their priorities and form a coherent and inclusive vision for the community.

Local residents acknowledge the challenges of working within Millbank. “I know we’re different from other places,” says library manager Larry Alvarado. “But that will just make Future Millbank that much more unique and amazing. Mr. Alvarado, chair of the Millbank Council of the Arts and Pageants, recommended to the planning team that Millbank build a multi-million dollar sculpture garden and amphitheater on the site of the Fun But Dangerous Vacant Lot. Other ideas floated for that space so far include the Universal Global Superheadquarters for the Millbank Pickleball Expert League, a new juvenile detention facility sponsored by the local chapter of Moosatarians and an enlarged pond to provide habitat for ducks.

“Just think of Millbank’s place in the region if we supported the fine arts; people would come from miles around for enlightenment and entertainment. But if something else goes there, like a duck pond, Millbank will never rise beyond obscurity.” Mr. Alvarado would not comment on the moral failings of ducks, only remarking that ducks were not reliable supporters of the arts.

It is plain that much rides upon what CEC does with the data they’ve compiled. Kliphoffer remarked that his firm will have to work with the data for several more months to arrive at any feasible plan, all at premium rates, of course.

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Last Updated on Saturday, 16 April 2016 17:58

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