Local Residents Prepare for Disastrous Day
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Helen Hamilton   
Saturday, 20 February 2016 08:54

MILLBANK – According to local resident Rufus Barnsworth, what’s coming on Monday is an unnatural occurrence of unprecedented proportions. Barnsworth and his colleagues are currently collecting vast quantities of canned goods and MREs, drinking water and rechargeable batteries in case the worst happens.

And what is the worst that can happen? “People will do horrible things under the influence of panic. I’ve seen it,” says Barnsworth, 48. “Our civilization is just the thinnest veneer over the roiling mass of predatory impulses. One unnatural occurrence, and it all comes surging out in a maelstrom of blood and rage.” leap day prep

This “unnatural occurrence” is Leap Day, which happens every four years at the end of February, a way to make our current calendar coincide with the solar year.

“People won’t be preparing for a whole extra day,” says Barnsworth. “They’ll run out of food and toilet paper. They won’t know what to do or where to go. Smart people will go into their bunkers and survive, while the ignorant masses descend into a lawless mess.”

Barnsworth recommends that residents load up on essential supplies, secure their homes by barricading doors and windows and dig pit toilets in their front yards. “Even if we get off easy and there aren’t any roaming bands of cannibals, the pit toilet might come in handy sometime,” Barnworth says.

When asked what he has witnessed in disaster situations, Barnsworth is more reticent. He confirms that he has not seen any cannibalism at this time. He then confirms that he has not seen any large-scale disasters in Millbank in recent years. When asked about the previous leap year, which occurred in 2012, Barnsworth claims to have no memory of the event. “This has happened before?” he asks.

“Huh, I guess I was too wrapped up into the Mayan Apocalypse that year?”

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Last Updated on Saturday, 20 February 2016 09:09
 

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