City Under Siege by Slide Whistle Gang
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   
Saturday, 16 January 2016 10:13

Local Group Demands Equal Rights and for People to Notice Them.

Slide Whistle PatriotA local group calling itself the “Slide Whistle Patriots” have taken control of the Fun but Dangerous Vacant Lot on Main Street between Ninth and Tenth Avenue. A spokesman for the group says the Patriots will not leave until their demands are met. Those demands are for the city of Millbank to recognize slide whistles as a form of free speech that is protected at all private and public functions, that slide whistle is recognized as the official language of Millbank, and for the City to convert the Fun but Dangerous Vacant Lot into a fourteen-story museum dedicated to the “history and artistry of slide whistles.”

A Slide Whistle Patriots’ spokesman said they had began occupying the Fun but Dangerous Vacant Lot two weeks ago and reached out to local media because nobody noticed. Patriots took control after they rousted a “gang of hooligans” hiding in the weeds with “an invigorating slide whistle symphony.”

While eye witness accounts suggest the Patriots consist of only two people, the group’s spokesman said the group has “significant support in the community. One hundred percent of the people we know with slide whistles support us.

The Patriots seeks to remain anonymous, but are believed to be a well-known Millbank gadfly and his nephew. They can be seen in the Lot wearing balaclavas, camouflaged band uniforms and bearskins, and are armed with bandoliers loaded with more than a dozen silver slide whistles.

Millbank has imposed restrictive policies on slide whistle activities over the past year, cracking down on when and where they could be played. City Council said new rules were established after numerous complaints of slide whistle-related annoyances. Those included an incident during which a citizen used his speaking time at a council session to play “Fur Elise,” right before the Millbank High Viscounts missed a potentially tie-breaking field goal against the Clean Springs Gold Diggers, as a coffin was lowered into a grave, and during the 2015 Canine Concours d’Elegance in Ottoman Park, causing a stampede of poodles and shih tzus to terrorize citizens.

When asked about the occupation, Millbank City police Chief Vern Howard said, “They did what now?”

After learning the Patriots’ demands, Chief Howard said they sounded similar to those found tied to a slide whistle and lit firecracker thrown at a police station window last month. “Luckily, the firecracker was a dud and the whistle was too light to break the glass.”

Slide Whistle PatriotHoward said the police would respond to the protest but it may take six months or longer to formulate a plan due to more pressing concerns, such as the goose poop problem in Ottoman Park. “Forcibly kicking them out of the Lot might push these knuckleheads into areas where the residents can hear their awful racket.

“Besides,” added Howard, “as long as they’re in the Lot, the hooligans aren’t. Just a word of caution to them, though: that vacant lot may seem fun, but it’s dangerous too."

The Patriots’ spokesman responded to Chief Howard: “We aren’t going anywhere. We have enough slide whistles to hold out until our demands are met. Plus, the Koffee Kltasch is right across the park for bathroom breaks or food. We welcome anyone who supports our cause and has his own slide whistle to come join us in the Fun but Dangerous Vacant Lot, but come before six p.m. because that’s when my nephew and I go home for the night. And we ask any other patriots to bring supplies: we need Kit Kats, hot sauce, paper towels and money.”

The spokesman added, “Do not come if you don’t have your own slide whistle. We don’t share. Sanitary reasons."

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Last Updated on Sunday, 17 January 2016 15:11

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