Luck Of The Irish Not Present During St. Patrick's Day Tragedy
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Howard Dale Jr.   
Tuesday, 20 March 2012 19:35

MILLBANK - Millbank citizens certainly could have used an Irish blessing this past St. Patrick’s Day, after a green beer served by Adolf’s Irish Pub caused dozens of honorary leprechauns to turn the shade of a shamrock.

For the past twenty-two years, Adolf Mc’O’Patrick has served green beer all day on St. Patrick’s Day at his Millbank tippling establishment, located at the corner of Main St. and 7th Ave.  This was the first year, however, that customers changed skin color because of the verdant beverage.


“We changed brands of food coloring” admitted a stunned, yet emerald-tinged Mr. Mc’O’Patrick.  “I should have been suspicious when I saw that the label read, “Food Coloring/ Not for Internal Consumption”.  Internal sources report that Mr. Mc’O’Patrick purchased cases and cases of “Reel-Green” food coloring after being visited by a small man with a reddish beard and a disturbing squint.  Further investigation has revealed that the words “food coloring” were actually scrawled in by hand over the words “lawn fertilizer”.


According to Stephen “Smokey” Graff, chemistry teacher at Millbank High School, the "Reel-Green" product, manufactured in nearby Clean Springs, contains concentrated amounts of ammonium salts and chlorophyll.  “It’s no surprise it would show up in the skin after especially high doses.”  When asked if this reveals anything about the drinking habits of Millbank residents, Mr. Graff only replied, “All I will say is that we see many hues in those who were affected.  Pfeffernus (Lorne Pfeffernus, local attorney-at-law) looks like a freaking pine tree.”


Townspeople were aghast at the effects of the fertilizer-spiked beverage.  “Serving beer dyed with fertilizer was highly irresponsible of Adolf,” fumed City Councilman Gary Shanks.  “It’s almost enough to make me switch to the Out of Bounds.  Wait a minute, scratch that last bit.”  A tearful Emma Bartlett added.  “My ex-husband H.P. is red-green colorblind, and after he drank that tainted beer, he couldn’t see his own reflection.  He really thought he was going crazy.”


Mr. Graff estimates that the rather reptilian tint will fade after a week or ten days.  “Some cities dye their rivers green for the holiday,” joked Mr. Mc’O’Patrick, “I’d like to think we could look back on this and claim that we dyed our townsfolk instead.”  The pub owner is currently in talks with the Millbank Parks Department to sell the remaining cases of Tru-Green to be used in Ottoman Park.





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Last Updated on Tuesday, 20 March 2012 19:53

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