Armed Seniors to Patrol Taste of Millbank Festival
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   
Thursday, 13 August 2015 21:30

An elderly citizen protects the butterscotch pudding.Millbank’s self-proclaimed “Pickleball Maniac” Doug Sheffley believes that arming the City’s senior citizen pickleball players has been so successful that he plans to expand their role in supporting the local police.

Although police chief Vernon Howard did not respond to requests for an interview, the police department issued a press release that said only, “Pickleball players, please leave your guns at home.” Some speculate this press release is an official response after six teenagers were sent to the Tri-County hospital with bullet wounds last week after post-curfew encounters and turf battles with armed pickleball players.

“Fat chance,” said Sheffley, when interviewed between sets of pickleball. He said the city has never been safer and that the City’s “Taste of Millbank” Festival, which begins this weekend, is an ideal opportunity to enhance security and crowd control, as well as teach local hooligans about respecting their elders.

The Taste of Millbank event is the highlight of the city’s summer calendar, more popular even than when the public pool auctions off unclaimed items from the lost-and-found box. The aromas of local food booths lining Main Street and Main Avenue and clean portable toilets draw hundreds of people from across the region. Recent years have even lured residents from upscale Chesterburgh Point, who may or may come just to make fun of the festivities.

However, recent Festivals have been marred by riots, hooliganism, accidental explosions, barf-tinged meals, name-calling and feral raccoons. The tragic events have all either been directly or indirectly a result of the Downhill Moderate Senior Living Facility’s wildly popular butterscotch pudding, described by almost all attendees as the event’s highlight. However, the senior center residents have not kept up with demand, resulting in hurt feelings and anger as many people do not get even a small sample of the pudding.

Sheffley says the gun-toting members of the Pickleball Expert League will ensure this year’s butterscotch pudding is fairly distributed. Although vague on details, he said the plan will be to use force as necessary to enact “merit-based” pudding disbursal.

Residents of the Downhill Moderate Senior Living Facility, however, said they were unaware of any plans by other seniors to distribute their pudding. “What the hell are you talking about?” asked Greta Furston. “Those uppity fitness freaks are too busy playing with their balls to make any pudding, so now they think they can have ours? Those nuts have another think coming.”

“We know who deserves the most butterscotch pudding, ad who best to distribute it,” rebutted Sheffley as he pointed to the pickleball racket embroidered on his trademark jersey. “Plus, we have the guns.”

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Last Updated on Thursday, 13 August 2015 21:37

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