Treasure Hunters Seek Legendary Millbank Gold
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Helen Hamilton   
Tuesday, 10 March 2015 19:11

MILLBANK – “The first explorers in this part of the country were searching for signs of a lost ancient city and its treasure,” claims Duncan Fairey, adjunct professor of speculative history at Tri-City Community College. “The legend says that gold, gems and sacred magical texts were kept inside vast subterranean chambers, guarded by fierce spirits. What the explorers actually found? Starvation, frostbite and existential misery, but that doesn’t mean the treasure isn’t out there.”

This week, Millbank has been abuzz with treasure talk. Residents have upended trash cans, dug up rosebushes and even ventured into the Out of Bounds, looking for valuable loot. What spurred this sudden enthusiasm for buried treasure was a recent posting on social media site Twitter by local hardware store owner, Jeffrey Lotsa. The tweet read, “To find your life’s treasure get the right tools #springtoolsale.”

When asked to comment upon the town-wide mania that his tweet inspired, Mr. Lotsa said, “I was only trying to promote our big Spring Tool Sale with a cute saying. I did not say anything about the possible presence or absence of ancient alien treasure. This time of year, everyone is coming in to get their shovels and pruners. It’s gardening season, for heaven’s sake.”

He then added, “But, if you are going to dig stuff up, and I’m not saying you should, you should probably come by the store and buy some work gloves. Digging can be murder on your hands.”

“We just want to lay these crazy rumors to rest,” explains Carl Quist, current president of the Millbank Treasure Hounds. “There has been a lot of talk lately about a trove of ancient coins and a secret map that will reveal the fountain of youth, but it’s all just that, talk. We all know that the Vikings took most of their gold back to Switzerland.”

“But there’s still plenty of treasure in this town. All you have to do is take the time to scan the lawn around the memorial gazebo in Ottoman Park with a TX-500 Master Prospector Deluxe metal detector, and you’ll find treasure. Nails, pennies and buttons beyond your wildest dreams.”

“Just stop digging stuff up,” pleaded Police Chief Vern Howard. “It’s unsightly and it could be dangerous if you hit an electrical line. My wife turned her ankle when she stumbled into a hole some treasure-seeker left behind.”

Upon hearing of the concern of town authorities, Professor Fairey responded with this thought, “The police won’t be able to stop the treasure madness. It’s the leprechauns who are responsible.”

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