City Hall Employee Finds Mysterious Red Button
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Howard Dale Jr.   
Saturday, 10 January 2015 08:35

MILLBANK – Authorities have found a mysterious red button on the back wall of the boiler room in City Hall, but no one can remember what it is for.

“It sure is tempting to push. It’s so red and shiny,” says Kenny Bowland, 49, facility coordinator for Millbank City Hall. “It looks like it would make a very satisfying click, if you pushed it.” However, Chief Vern Howard of the Millbank Police Department urges City Hall employees and local residents not to push the button at this time. He also urges residents not to panic at the appearance of this unexpected yet alluring device in the bowels of City Hall.

“It could be something as simple as a defunct intercom system or overhead light,” says Chief Howard. “However, the City Hall staff has not yet found any documentation about what the button could be, so we can’t be sure. It would be a real shame if someone pushed the button and it turned off all the electrical power in the region or released a cloud of poison gas into the atmosphere, killing everyone in a smothering, miserable death.”

When asked, the police chief could not give a reason why the city would want to release an airborne toxic event into the town, but he did add, “We can never be sure what people were thinking at the time. I’m sure they had a good reason.”

The red button was revealed when Bowland was putting away the City Hall Christmas decorations and shifted some of the boxes in the back of City Hall storage. “I moved a stack of old file boxes and there the button was, smack dab on the wall in front of me. Right away, my intern Josh grabbed my hand. I would have just pushed that sucker if I had been by myself, but Josh said that it could be the button that started a global nuclear war. That sure made me pause.”

When asked, Bowland hoped that the red button was actually a “call system for aliens, like you push the button, and aliens descend into Ottoman Park. Or, maybe it is the emergency shut-off for the boiler down there?”

For now, the mysterious red button is blocked off with a series of stanchions and plastic cones. Signs around the stanchions read, “Do not push the red button until further notice.” City Hall employees are sifting through old plans of the building and attempting to contact retired staff in order to find the truth.

“I hear it calling to me,” says Bowland. “I won’t push it, though, unless I truly can’t help myself.”

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