Drug Bust Mars Festival Reputation
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Helen Hamilton   
Friday, 22 August 2014 20:25

MILLBANK – Residents were stunned this Friday to learn of the criminal activities occurring right under their noses during the annual Taste of Millbank food festival. Specifically, the crimes were happening on their lips, which are indeed anatomically located under noses. Millbank police confiscated eight boxes of kale lip balm from Water River Organic Beauty’s festival booth.

“It’s true, I have never before craved a lip balm quite so much as I craved this kale lip balm from Water River Organic Beauty, and it seemed local and sustainable, so I never dreamed that I was becoming a drug addict,” admits local resident Sharon Dale. “I guess I should have suspected something was off when I began to see panda bears in Ottoman Park, but I like pandas and was hoping there would be a panda show of some sort.”

“To be honest,” says fellow lip balm enthusiast Samantha Lewis, “I didn’t even know what that stuff was until just five minutes ago, but it sure was great. I know we’re not supposed to use it anymore, but I would pretty much kill to get my hands on another tube. You don’t happen to know where I can get it, do you?”

Dr. Arielle Hartwood, director of the Tri-City Rehabilitation Facility, has heard these sorts of sentiments before. “Addicts never know what depths they’ve sunk to until the drug in question is eliminated from their lives. Once that happens, it is important to beat down the addict and trigger intense feelings of guilt and regret so that they never want to touch the substance again. The best thing Millbank can do for these lip balm losers is lock them in a dark basement until their lips, and they, totally dry out.”

Water River Organic Beauty spokesperson, Olive Pearson, who was manning the festival booth during the festival, has been taken into custody by Millbank police. She had no comment, but the Water River Organic Beauty company issued a statement, “The ingredients in our earth-friendly line of natural cosmetics are things one would find in their own kitchen and bathroom cupboards – beeswax, kale, almond oil and honey. We do not put any dangerous or addictive substance in our lip balm.”

Dr. Hartwood replies, “I can find Dran-O in my cupboard, but that doesn’t mean it belongs in something I rub on my face.

Festival organizers are distraught at this blow to what had been a peaceful Taste of Millbank. “Thank goodness we still have the butterscotch pudding,” says beleaguered festival chair Emma Bartlett. “Life wouldn’t be worth living right now without the pudding.”

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Last Updated on Friday, 22 August 2014 20:27

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