Hobo to Put a Scare into Youth
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   
Sunday, 16 March 2014 20:00

The Millbank Police Department is once again declaring war against the hooliganism that has plagued the city over recent decades. This time, the city expects to win.

The difference, says Chief Vern Howard, is that the police department’s primary weapon will be education instead of past choices of billy clubs, rubber bullets, tear gas, fire hoses, strafe fire, espionage, tasers and dance parties.

Hobo Kaboodle

The police have announced a series of mandatory educational sessions for suspected hooligans titled “Scared Good.” The stated purpose of the program is to graphically illustrate the negative effects of hooliganism on a youth’s future. The police department’s prime suspects of rowdyism, vandalism and general rudeness will meet face to face with adults whose lives have gone horribly awry because of youthful indiscretion.

“We were going to call the program Scared Straight,” explained Chief Howard, “but the church is already using that name for something. So we chose Scared Good, which is all we can hope for with some of these kids is good. They may be too deep into the hooligan life to ever be scared excellent.”

The police department planned to scour its records to find past hooligans who had grown up to become homeless men riding the rails. They sought to invite the unfortunate individuals to come and tell harrowing tales of poverty and life in a boxcar that all started with acts such as egging cars or toilet papering the principal’s house. However, the Millbank City Council has been reluctant to allow actual criminals to visit the city. Officer Howard speculated this was because of the Satin and Spurs Gala, when actual cows and cowboys did upwards of $86 worth of damage to city property and left tobacco and manure stains on prominent landmarks.

Undeterred, Chief Howard hired a performer to scare the youth good.

“According to the Internet, Kaboodle is the best hobo performer in the state,” said Chief Howard. “We’re lucky to have him. And it’s okay to call him a hobo because he’s not actually a homeless guy. He just performs as one. He is licensed to work with children, has no criminal record, and comes from a good family, all of which were requirements of the Council. His online reviews say he is very good, and we expect he’ll get our hooligans terrified into shaping up.”

When contacted by the Millbank Daily-Weekly, Kaboodle said he usually performs at parties for children or hipsters trying to be ironic. He said he has never been hired by the police but welcomes the challenge.

“My typical routine will translate well,” he told the Daily-Weekly. “I’ve been working on some balloon animals I think will scare teenagers. And I think everyone can identify with being trapped inside an invisible box. Also, I’ve cooked up a special sign I can bring out to really give them a taste of terror. I have two goals: to make the hooligans cry and to make them laugh.”

“Hopefully, they don’t laugh,” said Chief Howard. “Crying, though. I like that.”

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Last Updated on Friday, 11 April 2014 15:18

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