Real Cowboys Ruin Annual Satin and Spurs Gala
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Helen Hamilton   
Saturday, 15 February 2014 07:19

MILLBANK - The 10th Annual Satin and Spurs Gala started out pleasantly enough, with Millbank’s elite arriving in their Western finery. Police chief Howard and his lovely wife Karlene wore matching alligator-skin boots. “Better on my feet than in Water River terrorizing Millbank’s residents!” chuckled Chief Howard. Mandy Mills, accompanied by her husband Kevin, sported an aqua satin can-can girl costume that drew many glances from the other attendees. The soft strains of steel guitar and banjo filtered into the Millbank High School gymnasium, courtesy of Stu and His Millbank Magic. It was yet another night to remember in Millbank.

And then the cowboys arrived.

“I think we all imagined that the cowboys would amble around, say “Howdy Ma’am”, maybe show us a few lasso tricks before spouting romantic poetry about wide open spaces during the Cowboy Poetry Showdown,” admitted Howard Dale Jr. “We had no idea that basically we were inviting a bunch of unwashed and ill-mannered drunks to the event.”

“One of them, I think he called himself Big Hairy Balls McGraw, tried to take my cocktail right out of my hand, and then he tried to kiss my lady friend,” recalled H.P. Bartlett, Vice President of Sales and Marketing at Mr. Sofa Guy’s Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium. “I told him, “That will not stand, sir, and he called me a name, which is probably not appropriate for this family publication.”

“It is NOT funny to throw lit matches into a lady’s feathered headdress,” remarked Stephanie Alvarado, the wife of our head librarian. “This Scabies Mike person obviously was not raised with any manners, PLUS I swear he totally ripped off Robert Service when it was his turn to recite his poem.”

The chaos caused by the repulsive cowpokes and their subliterate poetry would have been enough to end the party, but unfortunately, there was more mayhem to come. “The food was inedible, although the marauding cowboys seemed to like it well enough. I mean, I swore off fried biscuit dough two years ago at the bequest of my doctor,” commented Jeff Lotsa, owner of Lotsa Value Hardware and member of the Millbank Boosters Club. “But I think the food is probably not what people will most remember about the evening.”

Indeed, the coup de grace was the release of seventy cattle into the Millbank High School gymnasium. The confused and terrified bovines crashed into the food service tables, knocked over the bandstand and ran through the well-heeled crowd, leaving numerous cow patties in their wake. Officials estimate that the combined damages inflicted by cowboys and cattle totaled at least three thousand dollars.

“Cows always seem so gentle,” sobbed Emma Bartlett, Gala Committee co-chair for the Millbank Boosters Club. “They have those big soft eyes. I thought that they’d make a delightful addition to the event, just kind of wandering around and getting petted by the guests. And by then, the cowboys were passed out cold under the bleachers, so they weren’t any help.”

Needless to say, this debacle has spurred Millbank residents to re-consider the theme for next year’s gala. “I think the whole cowboy thing was kind of played out, anyway,” declared a bedraggled Mandy Mills at the end of the evening. “Enchantment Under the Sea is sounding pretty good at this point.”

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Last Updated on Sunday, 16 February 2014 16:15

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