Local Paper Victimized by Forgery
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   
Saturday, 04 January 2014 17:33

Millbank Smelly-StinklyMillbank Police are investigating the recent publication of a forged version of the city’s paper of record, the Millbank Daily-Weekly. The forgery was given a similar sounding title that is likely to cause confusion among readers of the legitimate paper. The forgery has already caused distress and panic among the real paper’s employees.

Readers may see the full front page of the forgery HERE, in order to be able to identify it.

“This is not the real paper,” said the Millbank Daily-Weekly publisher while holding up a copy of the forgery. “This is a very sophisticated forgery and we urge Millbankians not to be confused.”

He continued, “We cannot confirm the veracity of its stories, nor do we approve of this type of reporting. We will work with the authorities to identify and prosecute the perpetrators to the fullest extent of the law.”

Police Chief Vernon Howard, who is leading the investigation, was also victimized by the forgery. Its top headline reported that not only does an unpleasant odor emanate from the city’s top policeman, but that he admits the problem.

When asked about the story, Chief Howard said it was not true and that the quote attributed to him was “taken out of context.”  However, he acknowledged that the forgery and its defamatory content has been problematic for him. “People who know me know I don’t smell bad. They tell me. But I worry about people who don’t know me. How can they trust a policeman they think stinks?”

He confirmed that all available police resources have been assigned to the investigation and that the police department will not stop until the perpetrators are caught and publication of the Smelly-Stinkly ceases.

“We must stop them before they strike again,” said Chief Howard. “They got me this time, but whose reputation is next? The Mayor? Phil from Phil’s Palace of Taxidermy?”

The forgeries were distributed in and around Millbank Elementary School, causing police to believe the criminals live in the area. No suspects have been identified, but police are on the lookout for groups who may be highly sophisticated and have access to such advanced technology equipment as computers and photocopiers.

The Millbank Daily-Weekly urges the city’s residents not to be confused by the forgery. Indications that the paper you are reading is not the genuine article include the following:

  1. It is handprinted.
  2. There are more than seven typographical errors on a page.
  3. The words butt and/or weiner are on the page.
  4. Articles are about non-news events such as bodily odors.
  5. The paper’s name does not include the words “Daily” and “Weekly.”

To make it clear to Millbank residents that it is the real newspaper, the Daily-Weekly will have the word “Official” on the front page of each print edition until the criminals are arrested.

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Last Updated on Saturday, 04 January 2014 20:37
 

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