2014 Will Be The Weirdest Year Yet!
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Neil Gruber   
Tuesday, 31 December 2013 17:38

MILLBANK - 2014 will blow your little minds, Millbank.

Over the past few weeks, I have unearthed clues from the future (bearded guys in red suits watching me from every street corner, bells constantly ringing in my ears) that reveal that in the next year, strange and sinister occurrences will abound. I beg you to read the following fourteen predictions calmly and sincerely.

1. Old-fashioned "bobby" uniforms are back! The Millbank Police Department will adopt the tall blue hats and brass buttons of the traditional British policeman. But they aren't the only ones: teachers at Millbank Elementary School, checkers at Super Grocery Mart and the entire City Council will wear the same uniform, causing a great deal of confusion.

2. Koffee Klatch will offer the food of the future - wrap sandwiches! Also, everything on the menu now comes with sriracha, for a little taste of something wild and something mild.

3. Record numbers of hobos will be apprehended in Millbank. Further investigation by Millbank police reveals that these young men are merely sporting the latest trends - insulating facial hair, stocking caps and suspenders.

4. Millbank will be destroyed in a massive volcanic explosion. Seismologists admit that they had no clue that Mr. Sofa Guy's Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium was built on an active volcano, but, hey, everyone has an off day.

5. The Millbank Crafters' Guild will knit a scarf that stretches all the way around the city, sending temperatures skyrocketing into the 90s in February.

6. Millbank will, for one amazing nanosecond, have a higher quality of life than Chesterburgh Point. Then, the whole volcano thing...

7. An attempt by the Millbank Helping Hands to train monitor lizards as assistance animals results in a bloody, but unsurprising, conclusion.

8. In 2014, Millbank Middle School replaces band, art and physical education with revenue-generating Brazilian kick-boxing.

9. Security becomes a high priority in Millbank in 2014, and the Millbank Police Department places metal detectors outside many businesses, including Lotsa Value Hardware, Springs and Things, Scrap-tastic Salvage and the Ore Depot.

10. A calf is born to an area farm with four legs. Four freaky legs!

11. An Oreo cookie without any filling is almost consumed by a local man, but his horrified wife stops him in the nick of time. She then contacts me. Crisis averted! Then the whole volcano thing...

12. A global coffee shortage results in the Koffee Klatch offering its own "Special Blend" - boiling water percolated through charred sofa stuffing - for five months.

13. Millbank will have its colors done and learn that the entire city is a "Soft Autumn". Thereafter, all buildings are painted in shades of olive and coral.

14. A sofa is elected Queen of Furn-i-Festival, because the human contestants are so lackluster, but the sofas are HOT!

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Last Updated on Tuesday, 31 December 2013 19:16

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