Hooligans Steal City Tree, Leave Ornaments
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   
Sunday, 22 December 2013 13:18

Millbank police have issued an All Points Bulletin after hooligans made off with the city Christmas tree. The tree had been in Ottoman Park since Thanksgiving. But while the tree is gone, all of the ornaments were left behind.

Millbank Christmas Ornaments

The tree was a twelve-foot Eastern Fir selected from the nearby Woods Forest and cut down by the fire department using the Jaws of Life recently purchased with a federal grant. Mayor Mr. Sofa Guy christened the tree on November 25 by putting the first ornament, a doll-house-sized red-and-green loveseat, on its branches. Per tradition, local residents were then invited to add their own ornaments, and also to receive vouchers for up to 4% off their next sofa purchase at Mr. Sofa Guy’s Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium.

Police have assigned a dedicated task force to investigating the tree’s disappearance. At this time, they have no suspects, but have narrowed their questioning to Millbank’s most frequent hooligans. In an effort to receive tips on the crime, Mayor Mr. Sofa Guy has informed residents that if those with knowledge of the crime do not come forward he will ask Santa to skip the entire city.
“Shocked,” said City Councilman Gary Shanks when told of the theft. “That’s the only word to describe my reaction. Also stunned, disappointed, maybe a little outraged. To say the city’s Christmas is ruined would be an understatement. Life itself is ruined.”

“I’ve got him on speed dial. Don’t make me do it,” said the Mayor.

Councilman Shanks said, “It was a beautiful tree. I had put a very lovely crocheted ornament on there that depicted the Baby Jesus riding a bunny. I’m surprised the thieves didn’t want that.”

Other Millbank residents expressed anger at the theft.

Millbank Christmas Ornaments

Gert Wod, who lives two blocks from Ottoman Park, said, “What does this mean? My ornaments weren’t good enough to steal? I hand painted those AOL promotional CDs myself.”

Seventh Avenue resident Bertram Miller expressed his annoyance. “What a hassle. I suppose now they’ll want me to go down there and take back that crap my kids made in grade school.”

Local Businessman Phil of Phil’s Palace of Taxidermy had donated several stuffed squirrels whose eyes light up green and red. He said, “Those rodents are good for up to 100 hours of twinkling on a single battery. Why thieves wouldn’t take them is a mystery to me. Also, I hid a valuable surprise inside one of the squirrels.”

The surprise, Phil said, is a stuffed mouse.

While the police investigation continues, the City has urged residents to come to Ottoman Park and claim their ornaments. They noted that many must be treasured family heirlooms with significant personal meaning, such as broken balls, Styrofoam cups, an old pacifier and a well-loved sock.

Police estimate the value of the tree as $200, but the crime could have been worse. Had the ornaments also been taken, the theft’s value would have been over $224.

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Last Updated on Sunday, 22 December 2013 21:11

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