No Spring for Hoodlums, Declare Police
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   
Friday, 01 March 2013 07:57

The Millbank City Council has ordered a colorful spring in 2013. In a special meeting last night, the council voted unanimously to allow the police department to exercise “extreme prejudice” to ensure that hoodlums are thwarted in any attempt to destroy flowers or forestall the greening of lawns and trees.

“Every branch will bud and every flower will blossom,” promised police chief Vern Howard.  “There will be shrubs to hide easter eggs under this year. We have the backing of the city council to do everything in our power to make it happen.”

Plant Destroyed by Hoodlums“Not everything, but close,” corrected Mayor Mr. Sofa Guy. He would not elaborate on what actions the police will not be allowed to make. However, the Mayor did confirm that the city has reallocated funds originally targeted for pre-school education and the senior hot meals program to instead be used to hire additional officers and purchase tranquilizer darts.

The Police Chief said armed sentries will be stationed by every flower bed on public property in the city to ensure that hoodlums do not wreak havoc. City officials said that last year hoodlums destroyed plants in a methodical, incremental way. Hundreds of leaves and petals were stripped while leaving stems and branches. While no hoodlums were observed, local juvenile delinquency experts confirmed that “it looked like the kind of thing hoodlums would do.”

“They picked and picked, little holes, small chunks of the plants in Ottoman Park,” said the Chief. “As soon as flowers blossomed, those hoodlums ate the petals. It was a shame because we could have had a beautiful spring, what with the unusually large populations of rabbits, gophers and deer we had. Imagine the photos we missed out on.”

When asked which thugs and pranksters were responsible for last year’s damage, Gunnar Miller, unofficial spokesman for the city’s hoodlums and backup guard for the Millbank High Viscounts, said, “Don’t be stupid.” He clarified his statement by adding, “Pull your head out.”

Chief Howard said the armed sentries will start duty in the next two weeks. Any sentry who can prove they have taken a gun safety course, or watched gun safety videos on the Internet, will have authority to shoot hoodlums with tranquilizer darts.


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Last Updated on Friday, 01 March 2013 08:06

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