Neil Gruber Promises to be Weird
Local News - Newsmakers
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   
Friday, 12 October 2012 20:53

 

Neil Gruber

Neil Gruber (shown left), Millbank's "Prince of the Unusual," and organist at the First Church of God, has been preparing for Halloween since last November. He believes all the effort will pay off with his sixth annual "Neil Gruber's World of the Weird" being the "strangest, creepiest, most nightmare-inducing, world-altering, terrifying and thought-provoking experience you'll ever try to escape."

"I'm a sick puppy," said Mr. Gruber with a chuckle over his routine lunch of fish sticks and Tang. "A sick, sick man. Who else would look for the creepiest, most horrifying things all year just so I can scare people, possibly to death? Maybe I'm insane, or a menace to society. I'm afraid to tell you my deepest desires out of respect, like what I want to do to this napkin right now."Weird carrot

Mr. Gruber says it takes the entire year for him to collect the macabre and mystifying objects he displays each October. He was able to unearth some truly horrifying objects this year, things certain to turn stomachs and send chills down even the sturdiest of spines. He has no helpers in creating the "World of the Weird." He says that is primarily because nobody could handle it, but also because he can't afford it.

"My Halloween haunts are a labor of love. I just thrill to the sight of old people squealing and women fainting. While most haunted houses try to scare you with make-believe ghosts and fake beheadings, I horrify and haunt you with the things that scare the bejeezus out of me. These are the real horror and mystery around us every day, the decay, the sadness, the terror that can confront us when we least expect it. I guarantee, not with money but in spirit, that you will never forget the World of the Weird. That is, if you survive."

For 2012, Mr. Gruber's World of the Weird occupies the space at Main Street and Main Avenue formerly occupied by the Barf Bistro. The decrepitude and smells only enhance the terror, he believes. Visitors are allowed to remain inside for thirty minutes to look at the exhibits. "If you're in there longer than thirty minutes, I'll assume you're dead of fright and your hair has gone white. Possibly you have pooped yourself, too."

The horrors and mysteries in the 2012 World of the Weird are a mixture of Gruber classics and new finds.

"Of course we have the three-nut peanut back this year. It's always a favorite. Why three nuts? Where did the extra one come from, and what ghastly human sacrifices had to take place for a nut to grow this way? Also, some other classics are here, like the Peanut M&M with no peanut. Where did it go? Was it stolen? And an animal cracker hippo with only one leg. If anything will make you question the existence of a loving God, this is it.

"I have new carrots this year. Not one, but eight very weird carrots. Some have two points, others three. And one looks like a pair of legs crossed because their owner had to pee." Mr. Gruber physically shuddered before continuing, "what horrors lurk in the soil under our feet to produce these abominations?"

Mr. Gruber has replaced last year's inverted Oreo cookie with one he claims is even more horrifying. He claims to have found it in a pack at the Super Grocery Mart. The Mart's owner could not be reached for comment. Mr. Gruber says that thinking of how it came to be and the lives probably lost in the preceding industrial accident leave visitors weak and whimpering.Weird Oreo

New this year is a four-nut peanut that Mr. Gruber is certain is real, and scary. "You have to see it to believe it, which you can because I have a photo of it I downloaded off the Internet. I do not have the actual peanut. And thank God for that."

Mr. Gruber says the World of the Weird is suitable for anyone over the age of 35 who has no heart conditions, is not elderly or pregnant and does not already get night terrors. "Forget goblins, vampires and werewolves. Laugh at chainsaw wielding maniacs and pus-oozing zombies. The real terror is here, and it's mostly edible. These are the things that a sick, twisted mind like mine thinks about every second of every day, all year long."

Neil Gruber's World of the Weird is open from 8 AM until 4 PM, Mondays through Thursdays until November 1, 2012. Admission is five dollars, or a piece of weird produce suitable for display.

 

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Last Updated on Saturday, 13 October 2012 13:48
 

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