Teachers, Books, Dirty Looks Aplenty at Back to School Night
Education - Education
Written by Howard Dale Jr.   
Saturday, 02 September 2017 05:51

MILLBANK – If you hear the sound of wailing and gnashing of teeth these days, don’t worry. It’s just the hundreds of area children realizing that their summer vacation is just about over. At Back to School Night this past Friday, local students dropped off their school supplies and abandoned their dreams of eating popsicles, running through the sprinklers and reading comic books in a backyard tent. “No more fun for anyone now,” said Millbank Elementary School principal Dr. Janice Triplehard. “From now on, it’s flash cards and pop quizzes. And, once in a great while, research papers on obscure and esoteric topics.”

The dour atmosphere was not unique to the younger set. “I went backpacking on the Pacific Crest Trail this summer, and I seriously considered not coming home,” said Avery Toolong, 2nd grade teacher at Millbank Elementary School. “I could just keep walking north and live on roots and berries in the Canadian wilderness. At least that would be more fun than standardized testing and parent-teacher conferences.” Ms. Toolong was well known as a ski jumper before becoming an elementary school teacher and noted, “Sometimes there’s the same adrenaline, like when all the kids in the class have eaten cupcakes and go on a sugar rampage, but the payoff is not even close.”

Millbank Elementary School places emphasis on nipping hooliganism in the bud far more than other area schools do. “Other schools look at math and reading scores, but we go one step further and look at the number of potential hooligans we have converted to respectable and solid young citizens. Last year, we almost had one, but Skylar Javitz painted a penis on the side of the gymnasium on the last day of school.” This year, the updated behavioral modification plan includes community service requirements, constraining uniforms and a special point system for pointing out other students’ flaws. “Students in the Students Now Informing against Terror Caused by Hooligans who receive 10 points in a school year will receive a special tshirt that commemorates their achievement for all of the other students to see. We’re thinking a nice cheerful chartreuse with the giant black letters of the acronym; we really want them to be able to show off their accomplishment.”

“Millbank will be a town safe from the onslaught of young miscreants and all the chaos they can bring. There is nothing worse than juvenile delinquents showing up their elders in long division or discussing Christian symbolism in “The Grapes of Wrath. These are the future workers who will support Millbank’s sofa-making economy,” says Triplehard.

But local students are not thinking quite that far ahead. "Only 266 more days until the end of school next year," says fifth-grader Alf Chahine. Chahine spent the entire summer playing Capture the Flag and Ghosts in the Graveyard with his friends in the neighborhood. He also re-created the entire imaginary country of Narnia out of Legos. "And only 2821 days until I can finally do what I want, which is design Pokemon."

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