Neil Gruber's Weird Christmas
Editorial - Editorial
Written by Neil Gruber   
Friday, 12 December 2014 20:41

MILLBANK – What are some words to describe this time of year? Joyful, festive, merry…WEIRD? My friends, in this article, I will delve into the true mysterious and unknown nature of the holiday season. But, I CAUTION YOU, this strangeness is not to be taken lightly, like a cookie with milk. I advise anyone who is young, old, pregnant, lactose intolerant, has a heart condition, is subject to seizures or melancholy, or is sensitive to external stimulation, NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER. Okay, if you’re still reading, I am not responsible for what may befall you hereafter. You are taking your holly jolly life into your own hands.

Think about it – do we put lights on houses and trees for the delight in a merely decorative impulse, or is it to GUIDE EXTRATERRESTRIALS TO THEIR LANDING SITES? If your neighbor is one of those who covers every surface with lights, you should ask him which alien race has implanted itself into his body and whether it comes in peace.

I once saw a Santa outside of Lotsa Value Hardware who HAD A FAKE BEARD – WHAT WAS HE HIDING?

There was sugar cookie from the Koffee Klatch’s bakery counter with exactly 666 sprinkles.  Is this Christmas confection being used to summon one of the MINOR DEMONS to help with holiday rush of pie-baking?

Many years ago during the war with the Maccabees, the Jewish people thought they would run out of oil for their lamps . But the oil seemed to replenish itself for eight more nights, and thus we celebrate the holiday of Hanukkah.

That’s great and all, BUT WHO WAS REPLENISHING THE OIL? I have evidence that a certain person from the future was able to go back in time to make sure the oil did not run out. If you want to find out who, just send a self-addressed, stamped envelope care of this newspaper. I will write the answer in code and send it back to you. If you are worthy, you will be able to solve the code to learn the truth.

Wreaths might seem like a cheerful piece of winter greenery, but they are all portals for astral spirits to project themselves through. ESPECIALLY THIS ONE… wreath

The shortest day of the 2014 is Sunday, December 21. Weirdness flourishes in extended periods of darkness: invasion by the shadow people, out of body experiences and peace on earth. My advice to you is to ward these forces off with some Druid chants, animal sacrifice and lots of fudge.

Egg nog. NEED I SAY MORE?

If you want to learn more and be aware of the true weirdness of the holiday, I invite you to come to my SPECIAL INFORMATIONAL MEETING IN THE SECRET GROVE at 2 pm on Tuesday, December 16th.  OR, YOU CAN FOLLOW ME ON PINTEREST!

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