Millbank Wouldn't Know Fine Cuisine If It Shot Out of Their Mouths
Editorial - Editorial
Written by Edward Barf   
Saturday, 25 August 2012 00:00


From the beginning of time, man had to hunt for his food, and starvation was an ever-present threat.  However, as civilization grew, humans could aim for something more refined than charred woolly mammoth on a stick.  The preparation of food became an exalted art.  Great chefs over the centuries pioneered the techniques and principles that bestowed upon us such classics as vichyssoise, fettuccine Alfredo and beef Bourguignon.  These are not dishes that one just throws together from a box willy-nilly.  They take time, care and the finest ingredients.


This is what I set out to do with The Barf Bistro (formerly The Barf Café).  I wanted to offer Millbank the sort of innovative, cutting-edge cuisine that great cities – London, Paris, Barcelona- take for granted.  It was time for Millbank to finally rise above the burnt-woolly-mammoth-on-a-stick stage of food history.  and ascend to the culinary elite with such works of gustatory art as Barf goulash and “Chinese” mac and cheese.


But it turns out that the citizens of Millbank are still not evolved enough to appreciate delicious food.  Instead of appreciating my work and expertise, they groveled like hairy monkeys in primordial vats of instant butterscotch pudding during that joke of a food festival.  Then, sated with the gallons of orangish, aspartame-laced goo, they sought to prevent others from evolving.


My tapioca pudding during the Taste of Millbank festival was sourced from the finest local and seasonal ingredients (beef marrow from Melancholy Cow farms, sheet algae lovingly foraged from our own Water River).  It was based on a historic recipe from the Mills family archives.  It was gloppy, oozy heritage in a bowl.  It was complex, intriguing, unique.  And it was utterly wasted on Millbank.


Well, Millbank, you can keep your leaden coffee cakes and wilted chow mein and cheap beers.  If you cannot understand more sophisticated tastes, then you do not deserve to be exposed to them.  Heaven knows that I will no longer get in your way.  I am going to pack up and go to a place where people can appreciate Barf recipes.  You will soon hear the name Barf again, and it will be associated with the most delicious meals.  And when you do, I hope you regret your close-mindedness and childishness.


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