Millbank Chamber of Commerce Introduces Stringent Licensing Guidelines To Boost Local Profit Forecasts
Local Business - Announcements
Written by Helen Hamilton   
Saturday, 30 January 2016 08:39

MILLBANK – If you notice more gophers running amok in Millbank this spring, the predictions of the Millbank Chamber of Commerce will have come to pass. These pesky rodents gnaw gardens and dig holes, but even they aren’t causing the ruckus that certain businesses have been causing recently.

Kyle Renfro, a representative of the Millbank Chamber of Commerce, urges local businesses to restrain their impulse to adopt a name with a pun in it. In April, the city will adopt clear guidelines for business names in the interest of the local economy. At the public announcement of these guidelines on Thursday, Renfro stated, “How will people take Millbank seriously and purchase goods and services if businesses have silly names? One silly name per town might be fine, but this has gotten way out of hand. Let’s clean up our act and have names that reflect our community and encourage visitors to spend money in Millbank!”

The tussle that brought this all to the forefront were the very vocal accusations made between local pest management concerns, Gopher Broke and Goph-Busters. “It’s just shoddy business practice,” says Hutch McCutchinson, owner and operator of Gopher Broke for the past 3 years. “It’s one thing to have another gopher control business move into a small town like Millbank, but a totally different issue if that second business tries to dominate the funny name sector.”

But Bobby “Big Bob” Danforth of Goph-Busters says that the problem isn’t with his name, it’s with his rival business. “What’s in a name? I just know that I bust gophers and Hutch is the one going broke.” Danforth claims that his advancement in gopher control technologies, such as the Rain of Blood III, has brought him success. The rivalry has not been a civil one, leaving hundreds of gopher corpses littering the city’s lawns.

It turns out that there has been a rash of new businesses with questionable names lately. Besides Gopher Broke and GophBusters, there are vacuum repair shops (“Just the Vacs, Ma’am”, “Your Vacuum Sucks”), bakeries (“Yeast of Eden”, “Donut Fret”); and even one watch repair shop (“Barnett’s Watch Repair”). “That last one is the worst one of all,” says Renfro.

The current conflict brings to mind the 2006 kerfuffle between the Curl Up and Dye Salon and Hair Apparent Beauty Parlor. That year, Millbank residents were known far and wide for their lackluster locks. The Millbank Chamber fears that Millbank residents will again be the ones suffering for the juvenile humor of a few business owners.

“These people think they are being cute. Ironically, it is this sort of cute that will drive consumers away from Millbank and straight into Chesterburgh Point or Clean Springs. It could literally be the end of Millbank as we know it, all for a few meaningless chuckles.”

Renfro adds, "The sad thing is, I don't think these people can help themselves."

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