Millbank Metro Business of the Month - Farmer Silas' Sanctimonious Produce Stand
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Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   
Friday, 20 June 2014 06:57

Farmer Silas’ Sanctimonious Produce Stand

MILLBANK – “We pride ourselves on offering more than just produce,” says Farmer Renny Silas. “It’s not enough to sell zucchini and carrots at a farmstand – people won’t even give it a second look. Our customers are looking for a way of life.”

Farmer Silas has been growing a variety of fruits and vegetables on his land for the past forty years, and before that his father and grandfather farmed the land. “One hundred acres of rutabagas,” recalls Farmer Silas. “Back then, people ate whatever they could get. Boiled cabbage, pickled tumbleweeds, whatever they could get.”

Customers these days, Silas explains are looking for more. “There are so many choices out there. Some farmers branch out and sell honey or homemade bread or handicrafts, but my farmstand offers what folks are really looking for.”

“What is the point of buying beets and kale if you can’t feel better than your fast food-eating neighbors?” interjects Jamie Haskell, a farmstand employee. “Every vegetable we sell comes cocooned in layers of smugness and self-satisfaction. We can promise that our crops are grown without any pesticides or GMOs right here in Millbank. We can also promise that, even if the vegetables remain at the bottom of your refrigerator and turn to black goo, the customers will be able to sustain a warm feeling of righteousness by spending a substantial portion of their food budget on healthy, local food grown by guys in beards and waxed mustaches.”

Farmer Silas chooses the most obscure heirloom varieties to give customers that extra spark of exclusivity to their purchases. “We sell ’Dog Balls’ tomatoes, ‘Himalayan Death Bringer’ chiles, ‘Skunk Mouth’ cabbage – these are all types of vegetables that customers cannot find anywhere else.” While no scientific studies have demonstrated that farmstand vegetables offer any additional health benefits over supermarket produce, Farmer Silas believes that customers gain from the extra dose of sanctimony and perceived elitism his stand offers.

A recent customer to the farmstand, Casey Fenword, 34, commented, “This is my first time visiting a farmer’s market, and everything looked so colorful, I had to buy one of everything.” When asked what she planned to cook with her purchases, which included cucumbers, apricots and spinach, Ms. Fenword looked confused. She then said that she was going to grab a Fatty Boombalatty Burger at the Klatch while she thought about it.

Farmer Silas’ Sanctimonious Produce Stand is located along the Water River on Route 5. Operating hours are Tuesday – Saturday 7 am – 2 pm from May - October. Be sure to bring your own bags and sense of entitlement.

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