Coffee Revs Up Sofa-Buying Experience
Local Business - Announcements
Written by Howard Dale Jr.   
Saturday, 03 May 2014 07:10

MILLBANK – Mr. Sofa Guy’s Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium has added a whole new dimension to the process of acquiring new furniture, by inviting his “Latin American cousin” to Millbank. Señor Café’s Coffee Plantation and Purveyor Principality opened to popular acclaim last Saturday morning.

“Buying a new sectional is exhausting work,” says local resident Mandy Mills, 35. “A little pick-me-up really helps one decide amid the countless upholstery selections. Stain-resistant. Fading and pilling. Linenleathercottonblendwoolvinylacetateacrylic. Linenleathercottonblendwoolvinylacetateacrylic. Bthbthbthbhtbhth. My mind is focused like a (expletive) laser now.”

When asked how many cups of coffee she had enjoyed at Señor Café’s Coffee Plantation and Purveyor Principality, Ms. Mills made her hands into claws and roared.

“Customer service at Mr. Sofa Guy’s Sofa Kingdom Warehouse isn’t just about buying quality furniture at our famous prices,” explains H.P. Bartlett, Vice President of Sales and Marketing. “We want to provide a fully engaging experience for the client, and that includes a refreshing and relaxing moment with a cup of locally grown coffee.”

The coffee served at Señor Café’s Coffee Plantation and Purveyor Principality is indeed grown right in Millbank, in the caverns deep below Mr. Sofa Guy’s factory. Mr. Bartlett elaborated, “People are excited about supporting local agriculture, so it makes a lot more sense to grow the coffee here rather than importing it from some tropical backwater under the rule of a tyrannical dictator. We’re even thinking of offering guided tours of our coffee plantation principality, because the burros are so cute with their little headlamps on.”

Mr. Bartlett also explained that because the concept of terroir is so important to the quality of coffee, the coffee grown in Millbank has special properties found nowhere else in the world. “It’s like fine wine,” he said. “The soil, the light, the water, the way we take care of the coffee plants, it all adds up to a delicious, invigorating cup of joe.”

When asked if Señor Café was a real person, Bartlett answered that Mr. Sofa Guy’s cousin Senor Café was a “private person” and preferred to stay “behind the scenes”. “He just cares about growing the best coffee that Millbank can grow.” Mr. Bartlett also admitted that sales at Mr. Sofa Guy’s Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium had increased over 600 percent since the end of March 2014.

There’s no question that customers, after taking a coffee break, seem ready to head into the furniture-buying fray. Karlene Howard, 56, seemed to be planning a complete makeover of her living room. “What do you think, is six ottomans too many for a family room? What about stripes and paisley and dots, do they all go together? Hachahachahachahacha woo woo! I want them all! I want all the sofas! Boyhowdy, do I have to pee. Are there bugs on me?”

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