Mr. Sofa Guy Squeezes Deals Out of His "Hole"
Local Business - Announcements
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   
Saturday, 01 December 2012 00:08

Local furniture magnate Mr. Sofa Guy is already Millbank's top employer. In a recent survey, his products were found in more Millbank homes than any others except a popular breakfast cereal and a suppository. His mansion upholstered in naugahyde is the largest residence in Millbank and towers over the other homes in the exclusive Millbank Heights neighborhood. And his announcements of future plans to someday maybe donate to charity are among the largest promises in regional history.

All of that fame and fortune, apparently, isn't enough for Mr. Sofa Guy.Mr. Sofa Guy

On Saturday, Mr. Sofa Guy announced the spreading and widening of his business empire with the opening of Mr. Sofa Guy's Hole, an outlet-style furniture store located directly beside Mr. Sofa Guy's Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium, which sits directly beside the Mr. Sofa Guy Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Factory.

Mr. Sofa Guy said that business will continue as usual at his Emporium, which is famous for its retail prices, plenty of free parking on surface streets, and Cushy the Clowned Prince of Throw Pillows. However, it will be joined by Mr. Sofa Guy's Hole, for "less discerning" shoppers who value low prices over premium quality.

"When you enter my hole," said Mr. Sofa Guy, "you'll be showered with hot deals. I'll be blowing out the savings and making backdoor deals."

While Mr. Sofa Guy has made his reputation by cutting out the middle man and having his factory and retail outlet located next door to each other on two full city blocks near downtown Millbank. Now, he believes he has found ways to cut out even more middle men at Mr. Sofa Guy's Hole, including quality checkers, some assemblers and seamstresses.

"The products will come straight from the guts of my factory right to my Hole. To save my customers money, I've eliminated the costly and time-consuming part of production associated with quality assurance along with many of the nails, screws and threads used in making our premium line of sofas. The bottom line is you save money, just by signing a simple liability waiver form and having lower standards."

Mr. Sofa Guy assures potential customers that quality and satisfaction are still key to his business, if they are willing to pay for them. He said customers will not be as likely to see him in the Sofa Hole because it's darker and less pleasant than the Emporium, and people looking for bargains make him sad.

The magnate also emphasized that the free on-street parking will still be free, but provided first to customers of the his Emporium. Mr. Sofa Guy's Sofa Hole customers can fight over what's left.

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