Helpful Hettie - New Year, New You
Arts and Entertainment - Arts and Entertainment
Written by Helpful Hettie   
Friday, 12 January 2018 19:49

Anxious? Unclean? Hungry? Hettie is here to help! Send your queries to “Helpful Hettie” c/o The Millbank Daily-Weekly. Please do not try to show up to the Millbank Daily-Weekly offices in person; that’s just weird.

Dear Hettie,

My new year’s resolution for 2018 was to take up a fun form of exercise. I’ve already tried yoga, Pilates and running, and I didn’t enjoy any of them! Do you have any recommendations?


Sweat Equity

Dear Sweaty,

First of all I have to tell you that you made a dumb resolution. You could have resolved to have fun, or you could have resolved to exercise, but you just made it hard on yourself by trying to have both. Why don’t you go down to the loading dock at Lotsa Hardware and offer to unload the delivery trucks? At least that would be a useful activity.

Dear Hettie,

I have a bad history with money, so I have a goal this year to get myself on a budget, so I can save for a trip to Hawaii with my wife. How do you manage your money? Do you invest?


Mr. Moolah

Dear Moo,

If by manage, you mean clutch every penny to my cold, dead heart, sure. I’m not letting any of those fat-bottomed bank punks touch my nest egg. You know that in the back office, they are rubbing our money all over themselves and licking it so that no one else will claim it. That’s actually what “invest” means in Latin, and all those crazy numbers are just trying to distract us from the perverted orgy that is the FDIC.

As for saving money for your Hawaii trip, the first thing you can do is to cut back on optional expenses like lunch out, subscriptions, heating fuel. In no time, you’ll have a nice little pile of money, and then here comes the big kicker – don’t go on the trip! Just think of the savings!

Dear Hettie,

I promised myself that this would be the year that I would reunite with my twin sister PoPo. We used to be very close, had so much in common, even the same job as advice columnist. Then we had a falling out over a man, the editor of the local town paper. She got the column, I got the guy, and we never spoke again. Over the past fifty years, I have realized that the rift wasn’t worth it. Family is more important than career success or even marriage. What should be my first step is re-establishing ties with my sis?


Reconciling Sibling

Dear Con,

I told you never to call me PoPo again. Looks like you failed in your resolution, bitch.

Dear Hettie,

Am I mistaken, or are you getting more embittered over the years?

Alarmed Millbank Resident

Dear Dent,

Can’t it be both?

Share on Facebook

Support Our Sponsors