Helpful Hettie
Arts and Entertainment - Arts and Entertainment
Written by Hettie   
Saturday, 02 January 2016 16:54

Anxious? Unclean? Hungry? Hettie is here to help! Send your queries to “Helpful Hettie” c/o The Millbank Daily-Weekly. If you are hungry, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope, and perhaps she’ll send you a little snack!

Dear Hettie,

I wasn’t able to attend Christmas dinner at my in-laws this year, because I came down with a nasty stomach bug. That was bad enough, but then my mother-in-law refuses to believe I was really sick. She thinks that I was just being standoffish and wanted an excuse not to join the family celebration. What do I do to convince her that I’m telling the truth? Bring her a barf bag? I want to start the new year off on good terms with my husband’s family.

Signed, Happy Hurling-days

Dear Hurling,

Bringing a barf bag does seem a little extreme, but a doctor’s note or prescription would not be out of place. Also, this is where your husband can help – he can tell your in-laws just how haggard and green you look, how whiny you are, how many times you had bodily matter coming out both ends. He can describe it in cinematic detail perhaps even after they beg him to stop.

May I note that your mother-in-law may seem especially suspicious because she wishes that she had such an excuse to escape the family gathering?

Dear Hettie,

As we all know, this is flu season, and it seems like everyone is sniffling and coughing. There is nothing worse than not being able to spend time with family and friends because you are sick in bed. So, I would like to share some of my tips for keeping healthy.

(letter redacted)

Signed, Spreading the Word, Not the Germs

Dear Germ,

I’m the one who gives the advice around here, Miss Know-it-all. If you want to give tips, start your own darn column.

Besides, being sick can get you out of all sorts of boring things (please see above).


Dear Hettie,

I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. I think that people should improve themselves every day of the year, not just set impossible goals that disappear after three days. It drives me crazy when people brag about how they are going to lose weight or spend less time on social media, and then make me feel bad when I say I don’t have any resolutions for 2016.

Signed, Resolute Enough Already

Dear Lute,

Obviously, your friends think you need more improvement than your current program allows. They are right. You’re wrong. Here are some sample resolutions for you to follow right away.

  1. Begin a body sculpting and training program to trip 100 lbs off your current weight. (If you are only 100 lbs, this will allow you to be pure spirit.)
  2. Cook 3 healthy meals, each with seven courses and local farm-fresh ingredients every day. Each of these meals should feature delicious tripe.
  3. Show love to everyone you meet. Love = $500 dollars.
  4. Learn a new language, preferably one that no one else in the world speaks.
  5. Start five new resolutions each day. Repeat.


Dear Hettie,

What are your New Year’s resolutions?

Signed, Curious

Dear Ur,

To get the flu so that I don’t have to go to my brother-in-law’s birthday party next Saturday.


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