Helpful Hettie
Arts and Entertainment - Arts and Entertainment
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   
Friday, 10 January 2014 21:22

Anxious? Unclean? Hungry? Hettie is here to help! Send your queries to “Helpful Hettie” c/o The Millbank Daily-Weekly. If you are hungry, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope, and perhaps she’ll send you a little snack!

Dear Hettie,

Well, I’ve gone and done it again. Barely a week after the New Year, and I’ve already blown my resolution to exercise daily and eat a balanced diet. Do you have any tips for keeping healthy habits? I want my life back!

Signed,

Goodbye to Weak Willpower

Dear Weak,

The most important thing to realize is that health is in the eye of the beholder. You might worry now, but you mustn’t let that worry stop you from seeing “the big picture”. Are you unable to walk to the end of the driveway? Are your arms and legs turning a slimy gray color? Do you have lots of track marks on your arms from shooting up? If you answered “No” to these three questions, you are already in better shape than 80 percent of all Millbank residents. Maybe you should be sharing your secrets with the rest of us!

Love,

Hettie

Dear Hettie,

My husband (Cyril) has decided that he wants to run a triathlon later this year, so he’s been training every day. He runs, swims and bikes for long miles each day, and of course, I’m very proud of his accomplishments. The problem is, my friend (Irene) makes a point of ogling Cyril and commenting on his sculpted physique each time she visits. I’ve mentioned to her that her comments make us uncomfortable, but she keeps doing it! Can you help? I’m mad as hell, and I can’t take it anymore!

Signed,

Wife of a Muscle Man

Dear Muscle,

I’ve heard that the couple who plays together, stays together. Have you ever thought about training for the decathlon? You could run, swim and bike with your husband, but also become proficient at javelin, rifles, kickboxing, karate, archery, wrestling and fencing. This will give you and your husband even more bonding time, and I have a feeling little ol’ Eye-rene will keep her eyes to herself when faced with your deadly skills!

Love,

Hettie

Dear Hettie,

For the past seven months, I have survived on Ry-Krisp, kale, poached chicken breast, and green algae shakes. In the first month, I lost three pounds – so exciting! However, I seem to have hit a plateau, and haven’t lost any weight since then. I don’t know what else I can cut from my diet to lose the rest of my “baby fat”. Do you have any suggestions? I am about to flip out!

Signed,

Nutritional Eater

Dear Eater,

You’ve got to take up smoking. It’s the only way to shed those pounds, trust me.

Love,

Hettie

NOTE: “Helpful Hettie” is NOT a certified accountant, therapist or nutritionist. Be sure to consult with your physician before embarking on any new diet or fitness program. Millbank Daily-Weekly cannot be held responsible for any of the content in “Helpful Hettie”, which is strictly for entertainment purposes.

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