Waterboy

Of course, we already knew "The Waterboy" would stink like week-old vomit. But I'm pissed off as to why.

I'll tell you right now what movies get one finger from me. They're the kind where the makers try to pull a fast one on us. They know they're selling dogshit, but they hope we're so stupid that we go back twice. If I thought for a minute that anyone involved with "The Waterboy" wanted to entertain me, and not just do the minimum to get a paycheck, I would rate it higher. It's the "Big Mac" of movies: churned out on an assembly line with that McDonald's teenage cook attitude of "That's good enough" that results in hundreds of food poisonings every year.

Telling the people that made "The Waterboy" that it sucks like an anus-obsessed nymphomaniac is pointless, because they know that and they don't give a flying fuck. No, it is better to physically hurt them. Only through negative reinforcement will the studios stop hiring Adam Sandler, or making comedies this braindead. Is it wrong for me to go slug moviemakers in the guts? No more wrong than it was for them to sell this pisswater to the public as something worth their time and money.

The first half is a "comedy," I think. The second half is laughless, candy-coated claptrap during which we are supposed to root for Sandler to overcome his fears and beat the bad guys. It's obvious that nobody involved in making this bullshit believes that, so why should we?

Adam Sandler is the self-appointed waterboy for the University of Louisiana's football team. Nobody on the team likes Adam Sandler because he's a little slow in the head. They make fun of him, knock him over, and spill his water. The mean old coach fires him because his stupidity distracts his players. Desperate to find another team to give water to, he applies at lowly Southern Central Louisiana State College. There, doofus coach Henry Winkler discovers that Sandler is the most amazing tackler in the game's history. Sandler is promoted from waterboy to star on the team. He leads the team to the Bourbon Bowl, where they play his old waterees, the University of Louisiana. Sandler and his team win at the last second, thanks to Sandler's heroics. The biggest surprise is that Sandler didn't score the winning touchdown. He passes for it.

You know what? "Gus, the Field Goal Kicking Mule" has a more likable star and is a more entertaining movie on the same theme.

The writers of this bomb, Tim Herlihy and Adam "I'm an insecure fuck who wants to be cool so badly" Sandler, got hold of a juvenile sports video like "Bad News Bears," "Air Bud," "Mighty ducks," and on and on. They followed the formula to a "T" because they're too fucking stupid and lazy to even attempt a twist. Personally, I would be embarassed if I cribbed so blatantly from Disney's fat-kid summer camp movie "Heavyweights," but they don't mind because all they were after was a paycheck. If I had the world's stage, I'd try to do something, anything, to be funny in a new way or do something that people haven't seen a hundred times already.

Our retarded hero goes from abused loser to big winner, and along the way we learn he's not so stupid after all. Or, that's what we're supposed to learn. We only know that because that's how these movies always work, and not because Herlihy and Sandler do much to make us believe it. They threw in a few hints and said, "Aw, fuck, this is hard work. That's good enough."

Of course, Sandler finds love. Not that we are convinced, but it's the way these movies work. So, the moviemakers throw in a bad-skinned (and kind of scary looking) Fairuza Balk as the wholly unconvincing love interest. They don't give her anything to do, but she shows Sandler her tits. Had she showed the audience her tits, the movie might have gotten two fingers.

Sandler, as the star, gives the most annoying, and least talented, performance in movie history. He actually thinks having the same "funny face" for two hours is acting. He refuses to actually let us think he is his character, all along he letting us know he's acting - because he thinks he's too fucking cool to stoop to the level of a retard. He really thinks we'll think he is retarded if he invests himself in the role (yes, he's that stupid). And, he thinks that if he gets kicked around enough, an audience will cheer for him to fight back. No, I won't, because he deserves to have his ass kicked for being an asshole that doesn't care, for using that whiny, baby, super-annoying voice, for not even trying, and for coasting on what he thinks is charm, but what I call bloody stools. Mr. Sandler, show some class like Chris Farley and die of a drug overdose already.

Or maybe everyone really is trying, but that's even more sad.

It is possible to make a funny stupid comedy, like "The Jerk" where Steve Martin goes for the laugh all the way through, and sacrifices his self-image to do it. Or "The Naked Gun" and "Airplane." These movies try. "The Waterboy" is an embarassment because nobody cared. This movie gets one finger, and when I see Adam Sandler I am going to punch him in the face.