Superstar

What a fucking mess. What a sad, horrible, depressing pile of shit "Superstar" is. I guess I figured it would be, but still, it's shocking to see something that sucks so fucking bad. If I had $20 million dollars, I wouldn't intentionally fuck an audience up the ass. But, the dicks, pricks, assholes and motherfuckers who made this unfunny disaster have no qualms. Please, please, don't go see this movie, not even just to see how bad it is. It's a crime against humanity and an insulting exercise in ego by powerful, yet untalented people.

Briefly, "Superstar" is about a 30+ year old woman (Molly Shannon) who pretends she is a big high school geek who gets made fun of a lot. She dreams of winning her high school talent show so she can be an extra in a Hollywood movie. She also wants to kiss the school heartthrob (Will Ferrell). With absolutely no suspense or drama, she does both.

Was it a good idea to let an insular Lorne "I've been a fucking idiot for twenty years" Michaels Community Theater make a movie without outside assistance? Hell no! The cast comes almost entirely from Saturday Night Live, the most self-congratulatory show in television history, and the one with the least reason to be. The writer had already proved his incompetence with years of SNL sketches and "A Night at the Roxbury" but he is probably the best this little world has to offer. The director is Bruce McCulloch from "Kids in the Hall," another Lorne Michaels show (although one that was once pretty good). This back-slapping, buttfucking tub of buddies probably just sat around telling each other how great this movie would be and never bothered to even try. "We fucking rule!" they told each other. "We're on Saturday Night Live!" Hey, kids, I got bad news for you. The only people still watching Saturday Night Live are thirteen-year olds who aren't invited to get high and have awkward sex in rock quarries.

Do you know who is on Saturday Night Live these days? It's the pep club from high school, the kids who thought bumper stickers were funny, and beling loud was funnier than funny ideas. It's the pricks who wore "funny" shirts, crazy hats, and were pyschopathic in their need for attention. As a result, the movie they make is a collection of obnoxious, shrill brats wearing "funny" costumes and hoping, hoping, hoping that you won't see past the screaming and see how painfully sad it all is. Only two people in "Superstar" seem like they might actually be funny, Will Ferrell and Harland Williams. They aren't funny because nothing escapes the black hole of Steve Koren's script, but maybe they could be in the right movie.

How does it feel, Paramount Studios, to make something so awful that you cannot even pretend it doesn't suck? How does it feel to stick your filthy paws in the pockets of the working people and take our money for something so godawful? Does it bother you at all? Do you fucking care that kids were leaving the theater crying because they wasted their allowance on this? Do you think twice because I am now 80 minutes closer to death and I have nothing to show for it except a headache and an aching sadness? You didn't even try to entertain us. You just fucked us up the ass, shoved our faces in the mud and walked away.

Steven Koren's writing is so fucking lazy that he forgot to add punchlines to most of his "Jokes," leaving me thinking, What the fuck? Oh, there's the laugh riot of the old lady saying a dirty word or the comedic gold of an ugly dog. And how quickly will we all forget Shannon screaming "I'm not a slut" and then falling out of the confessional booth so everyone can see her? Perhaps the absolute low-point is the two-minute long scene of a priest eating dry toast. That's the sort of shit I can't imagine anyone thinking was funny when they put it on paper, let alone showing it to a studio, a producer, a director and actors. None of whom stoppedf or one second to say "What the fuck are we doing here? I am not proud of this." There is one funny joke in the script, and that is that a couple was killed in a River Dancing contest when they fell and the other dancers, unable to stop, stomped them to death.

Koren doesn't bother making the characters' behaviors consistent between scenes. He doesn't bother making their motivations clear, except that this is how these stories always go so it's how this one will go. He believes that something is funny if people recognize it from something they've seen or heard before. Not for a single instant does he try something new, or interesting.

Fuck you, Mr. Koren.

Bruce McCulloch directs with the verve and dazzle of a dead goat. Only, the flies buzzing around the goat make it less static than "Superstar." Maybe he became depressed and disinterested after reading the script. Hell, I know I would have. But, the direction is so lazy and sloppy that I had to figure out what jokes the movie was trying to pull off. There would be hints, but the movie never came right out and got to the punchlines. Was it trying to be subtle? Not likely with a bunch of 30-year olds in tight high school uniforms acting like they're in a community theater version of "Nunsense!"

What is it like, I wonder, to throw away the opportunity to make a movie, which millions of people would love to do, to flush it all down the toilet like yesterday's hemorrhoid suppository? Is it laziness that makes people throw shit up there when they could have tried? I mean, despite the low-grade talent here, they could have done better. What ideas got thrown out if the shit in "Superstar" is what made it? My guess is that greed and ego drive this shit. Paramount Studios has no interest in presenting anything good when morons will just as likely watch this. Prickmeister Lorne Michaels and his band of egotistical asswipes have no critical faculty. They gave up their ability to critique each other, because it would have meant someone might tell them they weren't funny. And so, they live in their little world, continuing to believe that garbage like "Roxbury," "Stuart Smalley," Coneheads" "It's Pat" and now "Superstar" are brilliant comedy. Lorne Michaels, get off the air, get out of theaters, and take your one finger shit with you. Steve Koren, I hope your fingers are caught and torn off in a chain-link fence before you can write another word.