Star Treks: The Movie: 2

by Jimmy Critic

"Space: the last place to go." I dare you to tell me that little line from Star Trek doesn't send a chill up your spine. That is, if you are still alive. If you are a member of the undead, it probably doesn't. Sadly, I am still alive. I am James P. Critic, formerly Necron, formerly Jimmy Critic, world's biggest Star Treks fan. I am going to legally change my name as a tribute to the great Starship Commander, James P. Kirk. And I have returned to discuss what my Uncle Filthy is too weak and craven to speak of with knowledge. That is, the "very last place to go," as they say in all things Star Treks.

There are Star Treks fans and then there are true, dyed-in-the-wool Star Treks fans, those of us who refer to each other Trekiacs. The "fans" are the people who don't have the pajamas or the collector cups from 7-11, or know that Colonel James P. Kirk once made love to the moon. The "fans" don't even care about the little details, all they want are space battles and intergalactic romance. On the other hand, the dedicated, lifelong Trekiacs like myself know all, memorize all, and live life the Trek way. That means that we journey to the ìlast place to goî of fandom. Ask me any Star Treksquestion and I know the answer.

Take a look around you, no matter where you are. Who's the coolest guy you see? That's right, it's the guy with the pair of Dr. Spock ears on. Unless you're at Game Fortress on 64th Avenue right now. Then it's me. I'm wearing two pairs. Second place goes to the Eastern European lady sitting on the floor. I am fluent in Klingon: "Plok Ding Dong Ding Dong." That means, "Greetings from the future, where I am your warrior ruler."

Obviously, I was in line five days early so I could be in the audience of the very first screening of the new Star Treks: The Movie: 2. All the cool people were. In other words, just me.Most people but Trekiacs don't know this, but there was a previous Star Treks movie and spawned a very popular TV show of the same name, that often had guest stars like the Harlem Globetrotters and Redd Foxx as guest space aliens. I have seen the original movie about a kajillion times on TV, mostly a half hour at a time. In the old one, Boll Weevils ate Mr. Roarke's ears and James P. Kirk won a new starship in a lottery. And then they go to San Francisco and have tacos.

In the new Star Treks: The Movie: 2, we get what those in the know call an origin story. How did James P. Kirk become a starship commander for the Enterprise Group? And when did Dr. Spock stop writing baby books and become a Vulgan? Well, the second question doesn't get answered, but the Dr. Spock totally meets himself as an old guy who got taller and different looking. It's super-awesome! The first question, though, does get answered.

James P. Kirk's dad, starship commander Jean Luc Godard, dies in childbirth and little baby Kirk gets shuttled to earth. Since he has no father and he grows up in Kansas, he is crazy and gets in a lot of fights right near one of the spaceships that grows in the corn fields. Because he fights all the time and his dad was a great starfighter, James P. Kirk is invited to be a space captain. He agrees and gets to fly the biggest starship ever. Except, Dr. Spock doesn't like him. See, he is Mormon, so he never gets really mad and doesn't drink soda. Plus, I heard they wear magic underwear. Kirk is a hothead, probably an Episcopalean because they're really moody. So he must prove to Dr. Spock that his hotheadedness is just as good as being calm, cool and emotionless.

Secretly, Dr. Spock has a lot of emotion. They don't come right out and say it, but I think he is hot for his own mom. When she gets destroyed by this gang of tattooed bikers traveling through space inside a giant, mechanical squid, Dr. Spock wants to get revenge but he needs James P. Kirk to help him.

And he needs his future self to help out. Or, rather, James P. Kirk meets Dr. Spock's future self, who explains to him that it's okay to help young Dr. Spock because they will be friends later. So, James P. Kirk helps Dr. Spock and they blow up the giant squid. In the process, they free this other guy who is a starship commander. I don't know who he is. He seemed sort of boring, though.

Is Star Treks: The Movie: 2 awesome? No. It is super-duper-awesome. Probably the best movie ever. Is it perfect? No. Only because they want to make more Star Treks movies. There is a lot missing. For one, there is no Bork. That is an amorphous entity that metes out conservative justice in space. It was a big part of the TV show. Similarly, there are no klingons. That kind of sucked, because if there were, I would have translated what they said for the people sitting around me. No Seven of Nine, a set of sexy septuplets I heard were played by real septuplets. There is also no Captain Jane Goodall. She was this sort of chunky lady that commanded a spaceship on TV. I later saw her selling cookies at the mall. Neither was there a Wesley Wheaton nor a Beep-Beep, my favorite character. He was played a pasty-skinned droid-like guy who knew a lot of stuff. Sort of like Ken Jennings. He would walk around going ìBeep! Beep!î and everyone loved him.

As I watched the movie, I also didn't like how all the old people from the original movie and the TV movie it spawned were not in this movie. During the movie, I kept expecting to see the old, fat James P. Kirk pop up, or maybe instead of that weaselly -looking guy that plays Dutchie in this version, they would have gotten the old, fat guy who was him in the original series. And there is no gay Japanese guy, or the girl who used to wear Ugg boots in space.

Turns out, all the old people are in the movie. I read on the Internet that there is a bonus scene after the credits. All the old people are in it, even the dead ones. So, stay to see that. It's like, thirty minutes after the credits, so you really have to wait for it, and if people start coming in for the next screening, just yell at them to wait outside. You'll be glad you did.

Star Treks gets my second highest rating. One infinity minus one. I am deducting one so I have a score to give the sequel. This is James P. Critic, signing off from my Star Diary, date zero-four-zero-thirteen. Space is the very last place to go. As the Vulgans say: ìLive a long and proper lifeî