Jersey Girls

This week, due to time constraints and the need to get the smell of the dog's shit out of our upholstery before the family comes over for Easter, I handed the movie review reins over to my retard cousin Larry. Larry's a certified mentally-disabled adult. The certificate is available for public viewing; I keep it in the same-place as the elevator permit.

Jersey Girl is the latest Kevin Smith movie, one I have no interest in seeing for two reasons: first Kevin Smith is a smug, self-satisfied bastard who couldn't direct his ass onto a toilet. He used to have a cultish fanbase of zealous white males in their early 20s who aren't nearly as smart or clever as they think they are. I would guess those jackasses have grown up and traded their misguided fanaticism in for high-interest loans on SUVs. If not, a treacly turd like Jersey Girl will send them packing. Second, this piece of shit movie has Ben Assfuck in it, and I ain't going to see any more crappy movies starring him. Larry, being genetically stupid, has no such problems.

I checked Larry out of his home, gave him $8.50 and rode the bus with him to the Arvada Olde Town Stadium. Larry, how was Jersey Girl?

LARRY: It was great.

FILTHY: Most critics hate it.

LARRY: They like it, but don't want to say it, like pudding or fancy cat food.

FILTHY: What are the green stains on your shirt?

LARRY: Who wants to be a Milllllionaire? The lady says that.

FILTHY: In the movie?

LARRY: On the TV. Milllllionaire. Who wants one--to be?

FILTHY: Let's talk about the movie.

LARRY: The hottest game show in syndication wants you to be milllllions.

FILTHY: The movie's called Jersey Girl. Who is the Jersey Girl? Is it Jennifer Lopez, the little girl or Liv Tyler?

LARRY: Ben Affleck.

FILTHY: Right, he's in the movie, but who's the Jersey Girl?

LARRY: Ben Affleck.

FILTHY: He plays a girl?

LARRY: With a vagina. That makes music. It sounds like flutes, only wetter. And he's a magical robot who makes Easter.

FILTHY: In Jersey Girl?

LARRY: That you gave me money for. Do you want to be Mr. Milllllionaire?

FILTHY: Yes, but let's talk about Ben Affleck's vagina. Tell me more.

LARRY: Ben Affleck is in Jersey Girl and so are pretty ladies. Their faces are all smushed together because they are happy. Ben Affleck is a robot and he wishes that he could be a little boy, so then he could find out who is taking his Lucky Charms. Because now he is a robot when people say "Go hide in a closet, robot, I am stealing your cereal," he can't find out who did it. And his eyes are made of gold and shoot lasers. But he can do magic so he flies all over and sees girls taking off their tops. Then Ben Affleck meets Iceman. The wizard is not magical, but he can race cars. And then Iceman says snaps his gum right in his face. And the flying monkeys chase after Ben Affleck while he is playing the piano with his butt.

FILTHY: You're sure talking about Jersey Girl here?

LARRY: Magic robots with vaginas. And Darth Vader.

FILTHY: Darth Vader is in Jersey Girl? Are you confused? And why is your face all scratched?

LARRY: Jersey Girl wants to be a milllllionaire. And Big Bird is going to New York to be a TV star. Then these crows who talk funny tell everyone that they've seen a horse fly, but they've never seen a robot fly. He says no dancing. The robot girl makes everyone jealous because she can dance like a robot. And she has a dance contest in her room at the home for special people, and wins the prize, but nobody is there to see and Curtis tells the counselor she is making too much noise. And so Jersey Girl gets punished and can't have marshmallows.

FILTHY: Larry, that was you.

LARRY: And Jersey Girl.

FILTHY: But you got in trouble for dancing at the home.

LARRY: Like a robot.

FILTHY: Did you really see the movie?

LARRY: Yes, I did. Because you gave me money.

FILTHY: What about Jennifer Lopez?

LARRY: She sings this song, it goes "I'm Jenny Block, You know block, all you hungry children come and eat it up."

FILTHY: Is she good in the movie?

LARRY: She says, "Come here, you little shit. Give me your money, retard. I'm gonna kick your ass."

FILTHY: She says that?

LARRY: When she throws the nice boy in the bushes and takes his money.

FILTHY: Oh, shit, Larry, what happened.

LARRY: They took my money.

FILTHY: Who did?

LARRY: Boys. Bad boys. With mustaches and bicycles. They took my money and threw me in the bushes and I couldn't see the movie. I told the girl with the tickets I was retarded because I get free ice cream, but she said I could only have a dollar off.

FILTHY: Oh, fuck, that's awful. Are you all right? Look, don't cry.

LARRY: You're mad at me.

FILTHY: No, Larry, I'm not mad. Not at you. Look, we'll go back to the movies. You'll see Jersey Girl, I promise.

LARRY: With you?

FILTHY: No, come on, it's a Kevin Smith movie. You'll have to go alone.

LARRY: I don't want to go alone. What if those boys are there.

FILTHY: Okay, how about this: how many fingers do you give it?

LARRY: One milllllion fingers! I want to win milllllions.

FILTHY: How about the boys? How many fingers?

LARRY: One Finger.

FILTHY: That's good enough for me.