Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

Stoners, like golfers and cat lovers, are among the most boring, self-involved assholes on earth. These fuckers haven't contributed any more to society than "High Times", smelly faux hippies in ugly hemp clothes and a slew of awful comedies, yet they strut around like the biggest shit in the outhouse. And they bore the piss right out of my dick.

Mostly it's because they're the only ones with no clue how fucking tiresome and repetitive they are (in fact, I guarantee every jackass stoner that reads this won't think I mean him, and half will write to tell me that Half-Baked is a great movie ‚ that's how fucking retarded they are). You guys are so fucking boring and obvious I'm surprised there isn't a NewYorker collection of pot cartoons and a "Chicken Soup for the Stoner's Soul" so all the relatives you alienate with your tedium know what to buy for your birthdays.

Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle is a perfect example of the low expectations and sloppy shit that passes for comedy among stoners. Maybe there is a funny comedy to be made about the munchies, but this one ain't it. It'll be regarded by them the way Baptists regard a really crappy Christian movie. The Baptists won't criticize a portrayal of Jesus, even if he's shown wearing a Timex, and the stoners won't criticize Harold and Kumar no matter how painfully bad the acting or unfunny the gags. It's about getting stoned, dude! How cool is that?

The gags are painfully unfunny, and the acting is brutally bad. Like having your nuts caught in a salad shooter, or a ballpeen hammer slammed into your temples. This is amateur hour horseshit starring two whiny college-aged kids whose appeal is based solely on the fact that they are not ethnic stereotypes. And maybe the movie would get points for using an Indian and Asian as stoners if it didn't lazily surround them with other stereotypes. An Indian working a convenience store, Indian doctors and math-whiz Asians. This sort of shallow writing only makes the attempt to break other stereotypes feel convenient.

Actually, now that I think about it, even Kumar (Kal Penn) and Harold (John Cho) are stereotypes; they just smoke pot. To other stoners, that's probably all that's needed to make them cool and interesting. Fuck, if stoners knew Hitler smoked weed they'd think he was cool too. Never mind the Holocaust, dude, he toked!

John Cho is a straitlaced, anal quiet Korean investment analyst who drives a Camry. He also likes to get stoned, every fucking night. Kal Penn is his "wild" Indian friend with father and brother doctors and a high aptitude for medicine. Except, he'd rather get stoned. How fucking hilarious. One night, when Cho needs to do some extra work, and Penn needs to prepare for a medical school interview, they get stoned and decide they need White Castle burgers. Nothing else will do, and so their all-night, homophobic adventure begins.

The adventure, actually, is a string of sketches about desperation, getting stoned, losing pot and other silliness. Each suggests it was written by a high school virgin obsessed with boobies and afraid of homosexuality. The movie doesn't even attempt to make a woman any more than her looks. It doesn't give the asshole protagonists any reason to exist. In fact, at one particularly amateurish moment, one of the leads has to explain to the other that the night is about more than just getting burgers. No fucking shit. It's like the writer was afraid he had to spell out even that obvious point.

Penn and Cho are horrible actors. Penn seems so desperate to be charming that he says everything ten decibels too loud and with one notch too much manic energy. Lee has the acting range of a vegetable crisper. The kind with moldy water at the bottom. He's got no charisma. The adventures play out flatter than a drunkard's ass. The only thing that gives the illusion of energy is the loud volume and manically bad acting. The movie stoop to such lame-ass shit as a wild raccoon loose in the car, and Cho and Penn riding a digitally-animated cheetah. There's homo jokes aplenty, and even more about how great it is to be high. Yeah, yeah, we know, but what ain't great is seeing two assholes on screen telling us that.

The movie is as packed with as many Z-level appearances as a celebrity slot tournament in Vegas. These are folks whose face you will sort of recognize from something you once whizzed past on TV. Unless you're a big fan of the UPN or "Mad TV" you're unllikely to get a laugh seeing these hacks play against type. The only funny bit is Neil Patrick Harris who plays himself as sex-crazed and stoned on ecstasy.

Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle is 90 minutes long, but holy shit if it doesn't feel a hell of a lot longer. It goes on and on like the Harelip about her cankers. I'm sure some stoners will think this shit is hilarious, but remember, there are golfers who liked Bagger Vance and cat lovers who saw Garfield. A boring fucking lot.

One Finger for Harold and Kumar. Hell, go rent a Cheech and Chong movie. It's cheaper and if you're the kind of jackass who likes this shit they're all hilarious anyway.