Godzilla 2000

"Godzilla 2000" is no classic in traditional terms, it's not going to win any of those self-congratulatory Oscars, and there are lots of people who will think it sucks. But all of that and the fact that someone stole my bike are proof that this is one fucked-up and unfair world. "Godzilla 2000" kicks fucking ass.

The people who say it sucks are the same ones who will walk out of a porno theater because there were naked ladies in there. I'm talking about fucking idiots who have no idea what to expect. For the rest of us, who know what a Godzilla movie looks like, this is a Goddamn masterpiece, the best Godzilla movie ever. It's even better than the original where Godzilla competes with Raymond Burr to see who can eat more of Tokyo.

It's about expectations. Unlike Hollywood turds, this movie delivers exactly what it promises: a guy in a rubber suit smashing into buildings and crushing model tanks; a villain monster that looks ridiculous and invincible, but that Godzilla crushes at the end; a spunky young girl to be part of the team who helps Godzilla; a hokey moral about nuclear war; and some very awkward English dubbing. While Hollywood keeps shoveling their horseshit down our mouths and promising that it's funny, or scary and smart or whatever, Toho Pictures says "Godzilla 2000" is about a monster smashing up Tokyo, and they're right.

In the year 2000, Godzilla is still alive and beating the shit out of Tokyo. There are two groups fighting over his fate: the government's "Crisis Control Intelligence Agency," (CCI) who wants to kill Godzilla once and for all and save thousands of lives and billions of dollars in rebuilding costs; and the "Godzilla Prediction Network" (GPN), a group of Godzilla sympathizer s. They want to contain Godzilla and observe him because mankind can learn lots from a giant, violent monster. The GPN tries to stop the CCI from killing Godzilla with their new missiles, which the head of the CCI explains are so powerful they "will go through Godzilla like crap through a goose."

Meanwhile, the CCI has found a mile-wide rock undersea that they somehow think will eliminate Japan's reliance on fossil fuels. I didn't really understand this plot point, but then neither did the people in the movie, so I didn't feel so alone. When the CCI tries to raise it to the ocean surface it comes alive. It hovers over the ocean and sheds its rock shell to reveal a space ship. As it flies overhead, a military man asks his compatriot "Did you see that rock fly by?"

The spaceship wants to take over earth and it starts draining the data from all Japan's computers. The spaceship must find a way to adapt to Earth's environment. Godzilla is the key. You see, despite the CCI's promise, the reason missiles did not go through Godzilla like crap through a goose is because he has incredible regenerative powers and the spaceship want this ability.

Somehow, and I am not clear on this, Godzilla and a monster created by the spaceship wind up in downtown Tokyo beating the hell out of each other and destroying thousands of apartments and offices. Their fight includes biting, punching, kicking, and Godzilla finally sticking his head down the throat of the space monster. It's as good a show as closing time at the Arvada Tavern.

Toho Pictures did a fan-fucking-tastic job of mixing their own rubber-suit technology with some fancy shit. There are digital effects, but only used to enhance the pure joy of a man in a rubber suit smashing shit. The city of Tokyo looks as fake as ever, and yet I marvel at the hundreds of craftsmen that make their living building tiny houses and power poles, just so Godzilla can crush them.

And there is no shortage of destroying shit. My biggest complaint with most Godzilla movies is that the pacing is slower than a senior citizen on the interstate. The normal pace is 75 minutes of buildup and then a fight in the last fifteen minutes. "Godzilla 2000" has enough fighting to entertain even the most violent of our criminal society. The space monster busts up shit, Godzilla busts up shit, and then the military busts up even more shit trying to stop the monsters. I cannot explain why this is so entertaining to watch, but it is. Maybe it takes me back to a simpler time in my life when we'd tape firecrackers to my dog and make him sit on our model airplanes.

Plus, the movie delivers bonus footage of destruction. Once Godzilla has vanquished the space monster by sticking his head in its very moist and vaginal mouth, he wanders around Tokyo smashing more buildings in slow motion, just for the hell of it. This goes on while the scientists stand by and discuss why Godzilla keeps saving them. They are, apparently, completely oblivious to the fact that he saved his own ass and their survival was incidental. A scientist explains it best when he says "Perhaps it is because there is Godzilla in each of us." Indeed, I know I have some because my dick is covered with itchy, green scales.

The soundtrack is perfect because it gives you no clue as to what will happen next, or even what's happening at the moment. It is randomly romantic when Godzilla is knocking over a power plant, and ominous when a father eats cabbage with his daughter. Similarly, the editors ability to always end scenes ten seconds before they should end, and cut to irrelevant images of a terrified man or sunset, is uncanny. It kept me off-balance and wondering what I missed.

The acting is up to the standard set by other Godzilla movies. There are plenty of closeups of people scared shitless. The best performance is by Hiroshi Abe as the head of CCI. He is oily and evil and pleased that others are dying around him. "That means I will have to send more flowers," he says whenever people bite it. His evil laugh and smug glares are perfect for a Godzilla baddie. "Godzilla 2000" also delivers several closeups of the monster's immobile rubber face. I have no fucking clue what those were supposed to mean, but seeing that big phony face thirty feet tall made me love the King of Monsters.

I only have one complaint with "Godzilla 2000" and that is that we never see him jump up and down. He is a more serious and vicious monster these days. He looks meaner, has taller spikes on his back, and he may have indigestion. Relax, Godzilla, you're King of the Monsters, and you can fuck any hot starlet you want. Or, if you prefer, eat them.

T-shirts Now on Sale (and they're cheap)

Five fingers for "Godzilla 2000," the first movie this year to deliver what it promised. I would be very happy if Toho Pictures sent one of these over the Pacific every two years.

Note to the readers: I'm in Rolling Stone, the "Hot" issue. Somehow, those arbiters of all that is "hot" think I'm not a loser who sits alone in his basement apartment. I wish they'd tell the guy that pissed on my P.E. uniform in high school that. And all those chicks that ignored me because of my headgear and lice, too.

Unless you already own it or can steal it somehow, don't get the Rolling Stone. Your library should have a copy of it, unless some skanky old guy already ripped it off so he can jerk off all over Gisele Bunchen's picture. I already stole the Arvada library's copy.