Galaxy Quest

First, let me apologize for not seeing a new movie. I planned to sit through "Supernova" for my fine readers, but Stanley, the alert and pimply ticket-taker at the AMC Promenade had other ideas.

As a frequent movie-goer, I earned a free pass that wasn't good for "special engagements." I had to sit through ten piles of Hollywood dogshit and they reward me with a cheap ticket to a movie that's been playng for a while. I figured I'd outsmart those smug bastards by buying a ticket to "Galaxy Quest" and then sneaking in to "Supernova." Stanley saw right through my plans and as I tried to slip into Supernova, he caught me and redirected me to the "Galaxy Quest" screen. Yes, I was pissed, but my hat goes off to Stanley, a man doing a thankless job well. Good man, Stanley. A letter will be sent to the AMC management.

I was not really looking forward to a Star Trek parody because: a) I hate Star Trek, b) I hate Star Trek fanatics. In fact, the only time the world of Star Trek geeks entertains me is when I sell counterfeit Star Trek memorabilia on eBay. Those dipshits will buy anything if you tell them it's got Leonard Nimoy's autograph on it. "Galaxy Quest" turned out to be a bit of a guilty pleasure, though, and I found it amusing. But, I bet the Star Trek freaks will probably laugh their fucking Spock ears off.

"Galaxy Quest" is a TV series from the early eighties whose stars make their living by dressing like their characters at computer store openings and sci-fi conventions. They're all bitter that they had no more success than the show, and they bitterly hate the freaky fans who seemingly live for the tiny details of the long-ago canceled show. They are portrayed as lovable goofs, which we know is not true. In truth, obsessed sci-fi nuts are the single most dangerous people on earth. They also smell bad, have greasy hair, can't look people of the opposite sex straight in the eyes and would rather argue about power sources for the Starship Enterprise than fuck supermodels.

The crew of Galaxy Quest includes Tim Allen as the Captain, Sigourney Weaver as the boobsy token woman, Tony Shalhoub as the ship engineer and Alan Rickman as the deadly serious hyper-smart alien.

A band of real space aliens have intercepted the old episodes of Galaxy Quest and, being naïve, they don't realize it's a drama. The space aliens look like kids at a Cure concert, all dressed in black with white pancake makeup. These extraterrestrial Goths think the old episodes are historical documents of the best space crew ever. So, they come to earth and track down Allen and company and ask their help in saving their civilization from a vicious, Predator-looking bad ass who wears too much blue eye-shadow. Bored out of their wits by the sci-fi conventions, teh crew goes and quickly realizes that kicking ass in space is harder than doing it on a set.

Unable to explain that they really aren't space travelers and facing certain death, the crew take on the challenge and battle with the space villain with the help of the geek fans that they hated before, and that I still hate.

Even though I like the whole Star Trek culture about as much as I do having pruning shears chop off my balls (it happens more often than you would think), this movie was entertaining. Not "laugh so hard I fall down and break my ankle" funny, just mildly amusing. Unlike most of these broad comedies, this one's jokes were original and nimble. There wasn't a single fart or fat lady joke in the bunch.

The humor kept coming, too. A common problem in "Fish out of water" comedies where the heroes have to rise to the occasion is that the writers don't bother to make the last thirty minutes funny because they are so full of themselves that they think we give a rat's ass about the characters. So, they make them sappy. Not here.

Director Dean Parisot manages to combine the salvation with some decent jokes. Actually, he and writer David Howard keep everything moving. We are spared any pretentious speeches or dragging and uninteresting romantic interludes.

It's all played for laughs without the egos of the stars ever really getting in the way. In fact, Allen, Weaver and Rickman do an adequate job of bringing a very good script to life. They aren't fantastic, but they don't need to be. Some characters have little to do, like Sam Rockwell and Tony Shalhoub, and their comedic potential is wasted.

Hating Star Trek, and especially hating the weirdos and geeks who worship it, I was pissed at how well this movie treats them. I mean, I can't think of a movie idea funnier than just showing sci-fi geeks getting their shins ripped out and their eyeballs gouged with hot pokers. Oh fuck, that would make me so happy.

I suppose "Galaxy Quest's" makers realize that the people who refer to conventions as "cons" are the same nuts who go back to watch the same movie over and over until they've every line memorized and can repeat them to their Internet buddies. So, maybe it's smart marketing, but it shits on the fun. I say, beat the snot out of them. Expose how freakish and bizarre these people are. Instead, the movie is afraid to sink its teeth into them. It rewards these assholes for being unproductive, overweight trenchcoat wearing members of society who write lists of people who are "going to get it."

And that is an unforgivable crime. Three fingers for the decent comedy.