Erin Brockovich

I should tell you I am biased toward this film. You see, it stars my future bride, Mrs. Julia Filthy (neé Roberts). I know what you're thinking, old filthy has fallen off his rocker. No, the truth is that unlike all those weirdos who send her rambling, single-spaced letters, I send her very coherent single-spaced letters, that discuss in detail how much I love her and exactly what level of pain I am willing to endure for her.

On top of that, I have a plan. I'm not some shithead thinking Julia Roberts will discover me in Arvada, Colorado, sitting at home watching Judge Judy. No, I'm gonna move to California and find out where she gets her gas. She's a rich chick, so she probably gets full-serve, and I'm the guy that's gonna pump it for her (get your fucking mind out of the gutter, this is my wife you're thinking about). And, slowly, she'll see what a devilishly charming man I am, and how I can leave my mountain of debt with my wife, meaning I'll have no drawbacks. I'll be a refreshing change from the typical asshole nutjob who stalks her.

Then the marriage. I know you're thinking she would never marry me, but the current Mrs. Filthy didn't plan on marrying me either. She didn't even know she was going to until the moment it happened. But, a trip to Las Vegas, a bottle of Everclear and a drive-thru chapel were all I needed to make her mine. Works like a charm, guys.

"Erin Brockovich" strengthens the bond between me and my movie star girlfriend. It's as good as a lawyer/court-room drama can be, except for the 1988 classic "Court Room Gang Bang," which scored extra points for the jury-box orgy.

Roberts is a poor-ass single mother who loses a court case after her car is smashed by a yuppie doctor. Because she's been so busy raising her kids, she can't find a job and pay her debts. She demands employment from the son-of-a-bitch lawyer (Albert Finney) she thinks blew her case.

Roberts dresses like a hoochie, much to my delight, and it puts her at odds with her co-workers. They believe that just because her tits are hanging out she's not a hard worker. But she is, and she discovers some discrepancies in a real estate deal. Pacific Gas and Electric is buying the homes of residents of Hinkley, California, and Finney is making sure the owners get a fair deal. In her research, Roberts finds that PG&E is buying the homes to cover up illegal toxic waste dumping, which has resulted in all sorts of illnesses. They've even lied to the people about it all.

Roberts gets wrapped up in the case, and her family suffers, including her biker boyfriend (Aaron Eckhart). She works hard because she's finally working for a cause and getting respect. Using her tits and her blue collar charm, Roberts gather the needed evidence and rallies the Hinkley residents to file a massive claim.

There are two things that make this movie so fucking good. First is Julia Roberts. Second, and more importantly, is that her character's a real woman, warts, tits (hooray!) and all. It's rare that those assholes in the Land Rovers in Hollywood give us intelligent women. So, it's pretty fucking spectacular to see one that smart, hot-looking and believably imperfect. Roberts is a hothead that has her own set of ethics and she stands behind them right or wrong. Usually she's right, but when she's wrong, it's ugly to watch her defend herself. She's like a Holden Caulfield in a push-up bra, and that to me, friends, is the perfect girl.

And the character has so much dignity that nobody else can see. It's that same flinty anger I saw last week at the Tavern when I tried to take this lady's bowl of peanuts when she wasn't looking. She said "I may not have much, but I sure as hell ain't letting you take my peanuts." Then she kicked me in the balls.

Anybody but Julia Roberts and this movie probably would have been another really shitty lawyer drama about good versus evil. I shudder at the idea of a Meg Ryan or Cameron Diaz fucking over the working people with a cloying, unreal piece of Oscar bait. But Roberts is so fucking perfect for this role (and my bed). Rather than pretending to be working class, she embodies the best aspects of it. She conveyed with beautiful economy what it means to be marginalized and disrespected, and to expect it.

She's also the kind of girl I am going to marry. Not the kind of girl I just want to have sex with, like Heather Graham, but so much more than that. I want to take her home to my parents, them go have sex with her.

This movie's funny, too, well it is for the first hour. After that it gets a bit bogged down in drama, I laughed out loud many times, which is more than I do in most shit that Hollywood calls "comedy." And it's not cheap laughs, like Adam Sandler pissing on an old person. These come from the confrontations of real characters. Sort of like how it's a hoot whenever that drunk downstairs chases his wife out of the house and then falls down the steps. It's funny because the guy is such an asshole. The script is sharp, and Finney and Roberts exchanges are reminiscent of those old comedies where a smart man and woman go at each other like their mouths are loaded guns. There's no unnecessary dialog, just tight, realistic.

The movie deteriorates in the second half as it stops being about this interesting woman and becomes a court drama. Okay, it's better than most of the court dramas like the boring as hell "A Civil Action," but still, there is very little character to get involved with when it's a bunch of lawyers sitting around a table discussing money. Plus, when the movie talks about money, it uses it as a surrogate for respect and health. Only in Hollywood do people believe a million bucks is as good as respect, I guess.

I hate lawyers, especially because they refused to take my case and sue the Westminster Pizza Haus after I cut my hand on their "WWF Royal Rumble" pinball machine. But, I don't think it's fair to them or us as an audience for Hollywood to keep painting them as greedy, one-dimensional cocksuckers. I'm sure they're assholes, but we've seen that enough, and it's a little too easy. Finney forces some life into his character, but the other lawyers look like the same old pinch-assed punchlines. The normal folks in Hinkley are treated similarly. They're shown as a bunch of dumb, good-hearted hicks caring for their kids, not as people with conflicting needs and emotions. And that only makes the resolution ring even more hollow.

Still, those are minor quibbles for a movie that's pretty damn entertaining. Four Fingers for "Erin Brockovich." Julia, come home, I love you.