Deuce Bigalow: Retarded Fucking Gigalo

Rob Schneider, you are one dead motherfucker. Don't you ever stop for gas at the Ralston Amoco, if you want to stay alive. Because you pushed me way too far this time. And, if you do happen to stumble upon my gas station, bring some reasons why I shouldn't beat you until you piss clotted blood, and you better spend more time on them then you did on this piece of week-old, dried-out dogshit. You, Mr. Schneider, are at the top of my "Men whose dicks I have a moral right to remove" list.

Am I mad? Fuck yes. Did I expect "Deuce Bigalow" to suck? You bet, but it's impossible to predict anything could be this awful. Truth is, I went to this movie knowing it would suck, but I figured "Forces of Nature" and "Superstar" would need some company at the bottom of the barrel come year-end.

Deuce Bigalow's weak-ass story line revolves around Rob Schneider getting mixed up with a cut-rate Fabio-looking male prostitute, who charges $3,500 to bang the snot out of hot, rich poontang. Schneider, an aquarium cleaner, finds himself in charge of the gigolo's fish tank while the greasy lotharhio is on vacation and, what do you know? He fucks it up. He only has three weeks to fix everything or else the beefcake prostitute will return to the mess in his apartment and ream Schneider's lumpy ass.

Of course, through a series of clunky and predictable events, Schneider becomes a prostitute, raises the money, has "funny" dates with a tall girl, fat girl, cursing girl, sleepy girl, whose diabilities are the butts of jokes, and finally falls in love with a wholesome one-legged girl. If anybody believes that Schneider could con some hot piece of ass into even looking at him, then the schools in this country are fucked beyond belief. Judging from the kind of motherfuckers who are given permission to approve movies in Hollywood, though, it looks we're already screwed worse than a slut at a Muscular Dystrophy gang bang.

Because this is a Disney movie, Schneider never fuck his clients. Also, not a single character acts like much more than a bad gag machine, spitting out brain-numb jokes at the expense of something grander, like plot or character. For example, there is the aquarium builder whose talk is purely gay-sex euphemisms, or the cop who keeps whipping out his weiner. These jokes are played by the actors with embarrassment, as is most of the movie. Like they just want to be through with it and get paid. And the movie looks like it might actually have taken less time to film than it does to watch. I mean, the continuity, shitty lighting, half-assed action sequences and stiff stage directions are stunningly piss-poor. It's technically incompetence is unparalleled.

"Deuce Bigalow" is the product of a massive collusion between swell-headed dumbfuck Rob Schneider and his girlish pal Adam "I'd suck my own cock if I could" Sandler, and other Hollywood dipshits. They're all so lazy and stupid they actually think people would like Schneider. Of course, for that to happen, we'd have to be bludgeoned to near-death with ball-peen hammers. It should be obvious to those of us still breathing that Rob Schneider is an asshole so big he could pass a Buick through himself. Like the entire cast of Saturday Night Live, he's completely oblivious to how stool-softeningly unfunny he is. I mean, this undeveloped pubic-region of a man actually believes he's amusing without ever having to figure out what amusing requires. So, the lazy pig-fucker just plows through deep piles of cliches with the blithe assumption that we're too God-damned stupid to expect more.

This is exactly the kind of movie that pisses me off most of all; one that doesn't give a rat's ass about those of us spending two hours of wages to see it. I don't care if their brains were fucked out of their melonheads, there is no way the cocksucking,

motherfucking tea-baggers who made this ever, tried to make this good. Good never even entered their minds. First, the pricks want to scrape money off our sorry bones with the rusty blade of shit cinema. They think we're so stupid we'll shell out for anything, Second, they assume we don't deserve better than Rob Schneider. That's how little they respect us.

Overall, "Deuce Bigalow" is too worthless to nitpick, but a couple of things really shrunk my ballsack in shame. First, why would the makers waste a perfect chance to introduce cuss words to us? Among the walking cliches Schneider dates, a tourette's syndrome lady fails to expand at all on the already broke-dick lexicon of surprise swear jokes.Hell, if Hollywood were paying me to put dirty words in a sweet girl's mouth, she'd be shouting "Crotch-rot," "Pussy-scratcher" and "dad-humping cheerfuck."

Also, where do they get off spending three quarters of the movie using super-fat chicks and deformed broads for cheap laughs, and then try to sell us on the idea that women should be loved, even if they're missing a leg or something? Hell, a man in my diminished position knows that ladies should be cherished, but I sure don't need an insincere ass like Schneider telling me, right after showing a fat lady farting.

The other characters in the movie are so flat and unimaginative, it's like somebody force-fed horseshit to monkeys and then used what came out their hairy little asses as a script. It's insultng to the human race to suggest a person came up with this. The level of effort put into this script matched that put into a single Big Mac.

I'm getting sort of angry now and I don't want to put any more holes in my wall, so, I'm gonna wrap this up with a call to arms: let's beat the shit out of Schneider. One finger for that dad-humping cheerfuck.