Departed

I watched The Departed on Friday night. It's a week old, but holy shit, the new releases all looked unwatchable. And to go see The Grudge 2 would mean sitting in a theater full of teenagers. I'd rather bust my teeth opening bottles than do that.

Anyway, The Departed, based on Hong Kong's Infernal Affairs is slick and cool and has more starpower than Griffith's Observatory. If you're into the kinds of thriller novels men buy in airports, you should see it. It's a thriller filled with twists and turns, confused loyalties, hubris, pubris and probably some lubris. To me, it was a little too slick and a little too much story over character. It wavered between insanely clever and just thinking it was being insanely clever. Loud gunshots aren't heard when it's convenient for them not to be, and heard when it's convenient for them to be. I didn't get too terribly excited. Three Fingers.

What pissed me off, though, was a trailer. Rocky VI. Did you know they were making that? I sure as hell didn't. Why the fuck are they? What sort of fucking moron would want to see it? The only reason I can think of is if Sylvester Stallone really did get the shit kicked out of him. I'd pay $1.50, then, but show up late and leave early.

Nobody who actually likes movies wants to see it, and only one person wants to make it. Stallone's had a long-ass career littered with more turds than the petting zoo at a bankrupt amusement park. He's made exactly two critically acclaimed movie in his thirty years, and of those only Death Race 2000 isn't schmaltzy feel-good crowd-pleasing donkey balls.

Yet, here he is, making an absolute fool of himself in some dumb fucking story about how Rocky, somewhere older than 60, is gonna get himself in shape to fight the new world champion. Oh, here's the hook for the video-game generation: he's inspired by an ESPN computer simulation that shows that in his prime, he could have beaten the modern champ. Either he wins or he loses, but either way, Rocky shows us he's got heart and class.

Stallone sure as fuck doesn't. He's a washed-up two-bit hack who keeps dredging the same God damn well over and over for his ego's sake. Don't be confused: this fucking movie has nothing to do with the characters. It has to do with Stallone. Rocky VI is about Stallone showing us he';s still got it. Which he doesn't. Clearly. Or else, why would he be cranking out such a creatively bankrupt dogshit? Is a Rambo sequel next? Is Stallone incapable of a) just shutting the fuck up and fading away, or b) coming up with an original idea?

Why is Hollywood bankrolling this crap? Because this is how fucking scared they are. Unimaginative, cowardly grassfuckers who would rather put their money into a known commodity, no matter how shitty, than go out on a limb with a new writer or a new idea. I guarantee there are 10,000 better stories out there dying to be made, but oooo, it's scary trying something new! Fucking pussies. Fuck 'em all. I hope nobody goes to see Stallone's old, saggy ass body. Fuck him and fuck all the enablers in the studios.

Hollywood, you suck way too often.