Warcraft

I am taking the week off and my nephew Jimmy is filling in. Some of you may know Jimmy as the young man who berated your play at the Master’s Quarters Gaming Shop where he served as Necron, the assistant Dungeon Master until recently being asked to leave under a cloud of allegations of dwarf abuse and dice doctoring. Others may know him from his prolific online gaming activity: on World of Warcraft he is Necron, a Level Seven Warrior; on Second Life, he is Necron, a Jimmy John delivery driver.  As someone who spends more than 70 hours a week either playing Warcraft, fondling Warcraft figurines or pretending his pet lizards are dragons, Jimmy is uniquely qualified to review this week’s movie.

I’m doing this as a favor to Uncle Buttface Filthy and not because I want the approval of any of you. That’s because if you read his reviews you’re an idiot and I hope you hate me. It will make your blood that much more delicious when I perchance to drink it. Besides, I have over 23 Twitter followers and at least eight subscribers to my Youtube Channel “Bearded Dragon Costumes You Can Make at Home,” so the last thing I need is a bunch of morons who giggle at poop jokes following me around.

You probably think I’m going to say I love Warcraft just because the game/universe/way-of-life it is based on is the single greatest achievement of mankind. That’s because you’re stupid. You should shut your stinktraps before I fill them with urine-stained cedar shavings. I have a stockpile of those at the ready, my liege. Sure, I have more knowledge of Warcraft in my huge weiner than you have in your tiny weiner. And, indeed, sir, I will wield that wisdom like a mace against the stupid face of your ignorance. But it doesn’t automatically mean I will love the movie. It has to earn my love, something no women of this world has managed, yet dozens of bosomy orcs of Azeroth have. Ergo, The World of Warcraft is a better place to be ad only dummies aren’t there.

My wisdom only means that I expect more from Warcraft than typical morons like you in your Dockers, with your spouses and your homes and ugly, defenseless children. I’m not a jerk who simply wanders into a theater in hopes of escaping my misery for two hours. My life is awesome. I have a 21” monitor, a Razr keyboard, Windows 10, my very own bearded dragons, and a girlfriend in a far better place called Azeroth.

So I go forth into the theater, dressed in raiment of spun cotton, armor of finest alloys and a helmet made of Styrofoam but painted to look like metal, with expectation as high as the snowcapped peaks of Stormwind. I go to see if the makers of this movie are a match for my imagination. Can they create a world on screen as expansive and magical as what I capture in words in my extremely popular fan fiction. My story of a mage who takes in a seemingly innocent and impossibly shapely young Orc maiden only to discover he has more to learn from her about the art of love than she has to learn from him about spells has been “favorited” more than seven times. I go forth to see if they have achieved the perfection I envisioned. Can mere Hollywood mortals make something as great as I can imagine?

First some background for the slow-witted along you. As unfathomable a fact as it may be, some of you do not play Warcraft. Why? You’re stupid.

Warcraft is the mythology that in a thousand years people will believe in like the Bible is believed today. Probably the Bible was based on some board game, or whatever ancient people played and Jesus was like the best dungeonmaster of his time. In a millennium, The Book of Necron (my Warcraft fan fiction) will be the new New Testament, except with way more naked lady orcs and without all of that stuff about being nice to each other. 

No time in Warcraft is wasted on stupid stuff like giving dumb people a reason to care about all the creatures on screen, or the details that resulted in their fighting, or even the rules that dictate how they will fight. It’s about time Hollywood stopped catering to people who don’t play Warcraft.

The humans in the movie look like super rad people, like dudes you’d totally have over for a round of Settlers of Cataan. They’re all white guys with starter beards and greasy hair. In my experience, the coolest people on Earth look like this. I bet they have cans of Mountain Dew Code Red in their robes. The guy who plays the secretly bad Guardian Medhiv looks like a Creepy Jesus, like he could start a cult tomorrow. Or, at the very least, make his mom bring him another sandwich. He is awesome. Another human (Khadgar) looks like the guy in the back of biology class who skeeves girls out and has manga of hyper-sexualized Japanese children in his locker. And he’s the good guy. It’s about time society started treating us like heroes. 

And while the humans look as cool as me, the Orcs are the idealized version of me, with muscles as big as the Vikings’ on the side of a conversion van. That is to say, while the humans represent the real world physical manifestation of me, the Orcs version are the online version, which is where muscles matter. I always feel so bad for guys who work out all the time. My muscles are bigger than theirs on the screen, and the only exercise I have to do is eating Cheetos.

In addition, what makes this the GREATEST MOVIE EVER is that the dialog and scenes waste no time on small talk, on establishing personalities. It goes straight to fighting. That’s all that matters. Personality is for people who aren’t smart enough to spend all their time online.

As for plot. Warcraft’s plot is what separates the losers from the Warcraft players. If you can’t understand why Gul’dan wants a dark portal to another world, or why the lovely green Orc lady Garona would fall in love with a man, or why Durotan wants to side with humans, you’re a loser. It is not the movie’s job to make you care. That’s your job.

The movie is also filled with so much cleverness, things that have never, ever been dreamed up in movies before, like dwarces, and Orc-human battles. A perfect example of how original this movie is a scene where an Orc mother puts her baby in a basket and sends it down the river. Nobody else has ever thought of this. EVER.

Having said all of this, you would be a FOOL to presume to know how I feel about Warcraft. Those of you who think I’m going to say it was great are about to have your puny heads explode when you read the next paragraph.

Warcraft is not a great movie. There, I said it. Now, idiots, go get a magnifying glass so you can find the bits of your puny brain all over the floor and put them back together. Once you’ve done that, read on.

No, Warcraft is not a great movie. It is the GREATEST MOVIE. OF. ALL. TIME. EVER. END OF REVIEW. 4,999,999,999 Great Royal Swords of Stormwind. I am taking one Great Royal Sword off because there are no Orc boobies in the movie, and I always put those in my fan fiction. You want more of my thoughts, find me in Azeroth, where opinions count and life matters.