Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me

If great ideas were piles of shit, then Michael Myers and his entourage would have a whole shitload with "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me." It's a funny sequel that hits as much as it misses and it has enough potty humor to keep even the biggest Howard Stern fan from getting distracted by its barely there plot.

Austin Powers, a brutally honest portrait of English dentistry, is a swinging super-spy, who was frozen from 1967 to 1997 in the first film. In this sequel, arch-nemesis Dr. Evil has jumped back to 1969 to steal Austin Powers mojo while he is cryogenically frozen. With his mojo stolen, Powers is powerless and impotent. So, he must chase evil into the past to recover his mojo. If I were to tell you any more about the story, the gaping plot-holes and nonsensical structure would scare the piss out of you.

Don't let that happen because you need your piss, and also because this movie isn't about its plot. It's about gags. The plot is just a device for setting up gags, and those usually work. Myers isn't trying to teach us about ourselves, there's no big message about retards being people too, or how gorillas have something to teach us. Thank God.

Mike Myers is one funny son of a bitch. I don't think I would ever have him over for a Dr. Pepper and some Little Debbie snack cakes, but I respect a guy who would prance around like Dr. Evil even if he didn't get paid to do it. God knows, I wouldn't be pumping gas in 90 degree weather if the Big Boss Man at the Ralston Amoco weren't paying me $5.50 an hour and I wasn't able to read the nudie magazines for free. How much Myers' enjoys his characters is infectious for the other actors; their silliness is amplified by his. This is the movie's biggest strength. It looks like a party that I wish I were at, and not just because there's lots of girls there who don't know me and who I haven't offended before.

The title character Powers is actually the weakest of Myers'. His skits or character quirks aren't as funny the second time around. Okay, Mike, we know Austin has bad teeth and a furry chest, show us something else. Dr. Evil, though, is a top-notch baddy. He is evil, needless to say, but bad is more interesting than good, and so is Dr. Evil's need to be loved. His craving for affection leads to the creation of Mini-Me, a one-eighth scale version of himself who is even more evil and slightly childish. Mini-Me will happily eat the Mr. Bigglesworth if given the chance. Myers also plays Fat Bastard, an occasionally funny Scotsman who wants to eat Mini-Me, but is mostly used for lots of foul and kindergarten-level shit and fart jokes. I mean, my god, this guy is the ultimate disgusting fat guy. The problem is that, fart jokes aren't that funny to those of us who successfully graduated from grade school. If you want to make me laugh, give me a sophisticated joke about women with syphilis and I'll be rolling on the floor giggling like a school-girl.

Heather Graham is so fucking pretty that I would cut out my own heart with a pen-knife if she asked. I know I have fallen in "love" with many movie actresses, but those instances were different. They were love only in the sense that I wanted the women to take off their clothes and have sex with me. My feelings for Miss Graham are different and much more true. Miss Graham, I want you to know that I will stalk you to the ends of the earth. I am not obsessed, I am above that sort of behavior, but I am willing to devote my every waking moment to a plan to win your heart. You deserve the Royal Filthy treatment more than even Clare Forlani. If you want free gas it's yours. A lifetime supply for free just for coming to Arvada and living with me and Mrs. Filthy (we can work out the details later). Actually, I can't give you free gas for life, but at least until your beauty fades. If you are worried about whether we would have sex, rest assured, we will have lots and lots of sex all of the time until you are too tired to fix me an omelette.

Meanwhile, my Heather is a decent actress overwhelmed by the silliness of this movie. She mostly seems a bit lost, enjoying being there but not really adding much beyond her unbelievable beauty. She is supposed to be a tough, smart American CIA agent, but she never really convinced me she was anything more than the woman I was meant to hump and give tongue-baths to.

The rest of the cast is similarly average. Really, it's Myers' show and everyone else plays his straight man, the Steve Allen to his Marty Allen. Rob Lowe does a bizarre and somewhat incompetent imitation of Robert Wagner. This is probably the only time in movie history that anyone besides Wagner has imitated him. Seth Green is underused as the potentially funny estranged son.

"Shagged" is full of great ideas not fully explored. The characters could be incredibly funny, but in some cases the potential is cut short by someone talking about shit.

There are other annoying elements of "Shagged." Parts of it feel like a long commercial for Volkswagen or Heineken. I mean, we're not talking product placement, we're talking flat-out advertisements. The movie stops, they sell you some shit, then the movie continues. A music video with Burt Bacharach and Elvis Costello is also worthless. There's good money in soundtracks, but it sure feels cheesy to let two guys with nothing to do with the movie appear on screen and sing a whole, long, boring song.

The other main problem is with the contemporary humor. There are many topical jokes that are barely funny now, and in a couple years they will just be lame. Remember how your parents crack jokes about stuff you have never heard of? Well, that's what your kids will think of you when you repeat some of these jokes. Believe me, three years from now, nobody will know Puff Daddy as anyone other than a mediocre pop-star turned woman-beater. The pop references feel like cheap laughs and they detract from the character -based gags, which are funnier and deeper.

In all, "Shagged" is a worthy and silly sequel. It could have been better, it could have talked about shit less, but the good still outweighs the bad. Three fingers for the movie, and ten fingers for Miss Graham. Miss Graham, please allow me the chance to show you what I can do with those fingers.