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Millbank Fireworks Show Causes Civic Explosion
Written by Howard Dale Jr.   

MILLBANK – A controversy between two local organizations reached its flash point during the annual 4th of July Fireworks Show. Now, residents are left shaking their heads, trying to figure out if the town can ever heal from the burn.

“People come to fireworks shows for the sense of community. Everyone in one place, gazing at the majesty of the night sky. All that loud noise and explosive stuff is pretty tacky and actually detracts from the feeling of togetherness and pride in our country,” explains Emma Bartlett, a longstanding member of the Millbank Boosters Club.

Instead of the usual display of ring shells, shooting stars and booming dahlias, the Boosters Club opted to hold a 4th of July Candlelight Procession, during which residents could walk through Ottoman Park with small hand-dipped beeswax candles, all accompanied by the soft jazz stylings of Stu and the Millbank Magic. “Ottoman Park would never have been more beautiful and patriotic. We even had some of our local students carrying the American flag at the head of the procession. At the end of the vigil, we planned to sing “God Bless America” and then the Millbank town song, if we could find anyone who remembered that one.”

As it turned out, residents never had to try to remember the town song. Instead, emergency personnel were called to the scene, and the only music was the eerie call of sirens. “We are not the bad guys in all of this,” says Charlie Moon, 13. “It seemed like no one was going to celebrate the holiday, and so Millbank Young Engineers stepped up. It’s, like, our national duty.”

When asked what he thought about the proposed candlelight procession, Moon scoffed. “That looked more like a funeral than the 4th. People don’t want to sing jazz versions of “Bringing in the Sheaves” to celebrate their country’s independence. They want to see stuff blow up and that’s what we can give them.”

The Millbank Young Engineers had spent the last three months amassing an arsenal of exotic fireworks, some of which they invented themselves. “Multi-shot barrages, bombettes, comets, dark fire serpents, tourbillons,” said Sergio Iturribide, 14. “There probably wasn’t a collection of mild explosives like that anywhere else in the Tri-City area.”

When asked why the Young Engineers had so many fireworks, when it was planned that the Boosters Club would run the Independence Day program, Iturribide answered, “Well, you know, fireworks do come in handy for a number of occasions,” before walking away quite quickly from this reporter.

When the members of the Young Engineers began to send off their fireworks, they were on the outskirts of Ottoman Park, mere yards from the Candlelight Parade. “One of our bombettes went rogue,” explains Moon. “It was like we lit the fuse and then suddenly, the American flag was burning. You better believe that the Sons of Liberty were incensed about that.”

Kevin Mills of the Sons of Liberty did agree that he was pretty upset by what occurred during the 4th of July celebration. “If you ask me, both the Boosters and the Engineers have no business getting their fingers into the 4th of July celebration. They aren’t even fit for a minor holiday like Arbor Day. Next year, we are going to own this holiday.”

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Millbank Seniors Serious About Their Prom
Written by Howard Dale Jr.   

MILLBANK - It’s a night to remember, an event that some people dream about their whole lives, hoping to make it utterly perfect. Unfortunately, in Millbank senior prom season is more often than not synonymous with disaster. Older residents might remember the Great Sparrow Invasion of 1923 or when the high school flooded in 1967. Senior Prom 2014 could have ranked up there with these events, but due to some creative problem-solving, no one came home mauled or traumatized.

Irvin Hoyt, manager of the local Downhill Moderate Senior Living facility explained the situation, “Several months ago, I had reserved the Millbank High School gymnasium for our “senior prom”, an opportunity for the folks to get out of the building, gussy up and dance to their favorite oldies but goodies. We used to always use the common room at the First Millbank Church of God, but my residents were telling me that it was hard to have a good time with the crucified Jesus looking down on them.”

“Millbank High always schedules our senior prom for the fourth Saturday in May – it’s a tradition to finish up the school year on a high note,” remarks Brittany Howard, co-chair of the 2014 Millbank High School Senior Prom Planning Committee (2014 MHSSPPC). “I can’t imagine why the school secretary thought that the gym would be free tonight.”

School secretary Minnie Powell offered this explanation. “Everyone was talking about ‘senior prom this’ and ‘senior prom that’. There was no indication that these were two different events for two different groups. Heck, they even had the same theme, “Magic Under the Stars.”

The resulting fete was twice as crowded as in past years, with elders mixed in with teenagers. Both groups had complaints. “It’s hard to dance a good fox trot, when you have all these pimply whippersnappers crowding the floor doing their Satan-jive all around you,” complained Tilda Berthen.

“Eww. It really smelled like old people in the gym,” observed Stephen “Mad Dog” Madsen, a senior at Millbank High School. “Ben-Gay, coffee and colostomy bags.”

After about forty-five minutes, the management of Downhill Moderate Senior Living and the MHSSPPC conferred and found a solution to make both groups happy. “We alternated blocks of songs – that old stuff and then our music. We figured, while the senior citizens were on the floor, that would give us a chance to find a dark classroom and make out for a little while. Plus, after about eight o’clock, we had the whole place to ourselves, because the old people just wanted to get to bed.”

This is not to say that the party was completely segregated. “They set up a chocolate fountain, and that was pretty popular with everyone,” said Marie Fenword, 84. “Who is going to say no to chocolate? Although, my doctor says I should cut back because of my diabetes.”

Another thing the two groups had in common was a sense of an uncertain future. “I was talking to Seymour here,” said Dakota Mills, 17. “And he said that he might never see these folks again. I can totally relate, because after graduation, we’re all going to go away to college or get jobs. We’ll be pursuing our lives wherever the wind may take us.”

Seymour Greenwood, 97, added, “Actually, it is a little different. I’m talking about our imminent deaths.”

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Baby Pageant Canceled Due To Lack of Beauty
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   

Ugly Babies Win No PrizesThe Millbank Council of the Arts and Pageants announced that the 2014 Baby Beauty Pageant, the theme of which was to be “Babies Overboard!, a Nautical Salute to Infants” has been canceled due to a lack of attractive babies. The pageant has been a Millbank tradition for 47 years and is the cornerstone of the city’s Memorial Day weekend festivities.

The decision to cancel the pageant was made Thursday, immediately after a second round of baby auditions was held by the Council. The open call for a second round was an unusual step in itself. In previous years, only a single round of auditions were required to select enough infants considered beautiful enough for the pageant. Last year’s show, themed “No One Left Behind: A POW-MIA Extravaganza” featured 23 babies selected from 24 auditions.

Earlier this week, and after the first round of auditions, the Council placed flyers in locations where parents of infants tend to congregate, such as the Lotsa Value Hardware, the Super Grocery Mart, the Koffee Klatsch and Ottoman Park that encouraged parents of “Attractive Infants Only Under Twelve Months ” to participate in a second audition. The flyers included detailed instructions on how to determine if a child was attractive.

“It’s not because we didn’t try.” Council chair Meg Bryson, told the Daily-Weekly. Ms. Bryson is in her first year as Chair and was selected by the City Council on a platform of eliminating graft and raising the quality of all town events. “We looked at a lot of babies, even invited some in from Chsterburgh Point. They all tried so hard, smelled nice and had soft, downy hair. They were so… they had great personalities. I’m sure their families think they’re beautiful. It’s just that we have to uphold a higher standard that only two babies reached. To be honest, one of them was borderline.”

Ms. Bryson stated that two children would be a “playdate” and not a production. She also suggested that the lack of attractive babies may be an unwelcome result of the increased focus on teen pregnancy education in the middle and high school. It said it is not too early for young moms to get a start on next year's pageant.

The City Council was informed of the Arts Council’s decision and asked to see pictures of the auditioning infants before finalizing the cancelation. After seeing them, the City agreed with the Arts Council and issued a formal statement that they agreed with the decision and, “Even babies can disappoint.”

The Council said it hopes to get at least a partial refund on the unused lifebuoys, tiny fishermen slickers and sailor caps.

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Coffee Revs Up Sofa-Buying Experience
Written by Howard Dale Jr.   

MILLBANK – Mr. Sofa Guy’s Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium has added a whole new dimension to the process of acquiring new furniture, by inviting his “Latin American cousin” to Millbank. Señor Café’s Coffee Plantation and Purveyor Principality opened to popular acclaim last Saturday morning.

“Buying a new sectional is exhausting work,” says local resident Mandy Mills, 35. “A little pick-me-up really helps one decide amid the countless upholstery selections. Stain-resistant. Fading and pilling. Linenleathercottonblendwoolvinylacetateacrylic. Linenleathercottonblendwoolvinylacetateacrylic. Bthbthbthbhtbhth. My mind is focused like a (expletive) laser now.”

When asked how many cups of coffee she had enjoyed at Señor Café’s Coffee Plantation and Purveyor Principality, Ms. Mills made her hands into claws and roared.

“Customer service at Mr. Sofa Guy’s Sofa Kingdom Warehouse isn’t just about buying quality furniture at our famous prices,” explains H.P. Bartlett, Vice President of Sales and Marketing. “We want to provide a fully engaging experience for the client, and that includes a refreshing and relaxing moment with a cup of locally grown coffee.”

The coffee served at Señor Café’s Coffee Plantation and Purveyor Principality is indeed grown right in Millbank, in the caverns deep below Mr. Sofa Guy’s factory. Mr. Bartlett elaborated, “People are excited about supporting local agriculture, so it makes a lot more sense to grow the coffee here rather than importing it from some tropical backwater under the rule of a tyrannical dictator. We’re even thinking of offering guided tours of our coffee plantation principality, because the burros are so cute with their little headlamps on.”

Mr. Bartlett also explained that because the concept of terroir is so important to the quality of coffee, the coffee grown in Millbank has special properties found nowhere else in the world. “It’s like fine wine,” he said. “The soil, the light, the water, the way we take care of the coffee plants, it all adds up to a delicious, invigorating cup of joe.”

When asked if Señor Café was a real person, Bartlett answered that Mr. Sofa Guy’s cousin Senor Café was a “private person” and preferred to stay “behind the scenes”. “He just cares about growing the best coffee that Millbank can grow.” Mr. Bartlett also admitted that sales at Mr. Sofa Guy’s Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium had increased over 600 percent since the end of March 2014.

There’s no question that customers, after taking a coffee break, seem ready to head into the furniture-buying fray. Karlene Howard, 56, seemed to be planning a complete makeover of her living room. “What do you think, is six ottomans too many for a family room? What about stripes and paisley and dots, do they all go together? Hachahachahachahacha woo woo! I want them all! I want all the sofas! Boyhowdy, do I have to pee. Are there bugs on me?”

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New Local Currency Spurs Commerce, Confusion
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MillbuckMILLBANK – In an effort to encourage businesses at local shops, restaurants and services, the Millbank Boosters Club has begun to issue “Millbucks” to town residents. “We feel that this is a fun way to support our friends and neighbors who run businesses in this town,” explains Howard Dale Jr. “When you want to buy a coffee and Danish at the Koffee Klatch or a new hammer at Lotsa Value Hardware, just pay with ‘Millbucks’ and show your appreciation for Millbank’s business community.”

At this time, according to reports, neither of those businesses have been approached about accepting Millbank’s new currency. “You can’t just come in here and give me a slip of colorful paper and expect that you get breakfast,” explains Sergio Iturribide, 46, current owner of the Koffee Klatch. “How would they like it, if I just grabbed a gum wrapper off the street and tried to pay my rent or buy shoes for my kids? That’s not what America is all about.”

Some confusion has arisen about the proper use of Millbucks this week. “The other day, Fern Goodbrush tried to stuff some of that funny money into the credit card reader at Pump #5,” recounts Mervin Hoyt, 51, owner and manager of GasCo Gas Mart. “The thing is still broken.” According to Millbank businesses, other problems associated with Millbucks include residents trying to use Millbucks in other towns, and residents trying to use Monopoly money or other toy money instead of Millbucks.

Some residents have complained that Millbucks come in excessively large denominations. “When would I ever spend 500 quadrillion bucks on a hamburger in this town? And the smallest bill is 1 billion dollars. It’s impossible to get change,” says Samantha Lewis, 37. “And, really, who can take money that looks like that seriously? Real money should at least have some arcane Masonic symbols or stern patriarch staring on it.”

“This is the beginning of our Millbucks program,” admits Howard Dale Jr. “and we still have some kinks to work out. But once we do, both civic pride and the convenience of using Millbucks will put a lot of these concerns to rest. Millbucks send the message that Millbank is a fabulous place to do business.”

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Today in Millbank History

July 30, 1892

Millbank's first post office is established.  Within thirty-seven minutes, townspeople complain of the unwanted handbills, billets and other junk mail they receive.

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Millbank Crime Watch

Wednesday, 02 July 2014

7:41 PM - Pastry Chalet employees called to report a woman had fallen asleep in the bakery . The woman was snoring loudly and scaring away other customers.

Monday, 07 July 2014

4:55 PM - A man on Davenport Street told passersby that the ATM machine at the bank was recording their thoughts.

Tuesday, 08 July 2014

7:30 PM - Multiple callers reported a teenager in a leather jacket riding a motorcycle up and down Chaise Street and yelling dirty words.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

4:21 AM - The fire department reported that eight kittens were deposited in the “Safe Harbor” bin outside the fire station, which is intended for babies whose parents can no longer care for them. The kittens were dressed in baby bonnets and bibs with pacifiers hanging from their necks.

Saturday, 19 July 2014

10:22 AM - A woman on Twelfth Avenue made repeated calls for assistance in getting a large spider out of her bathtub. After responding, officers reported it was a very large spider and called in the fire department for support.

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