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Sister City Introduces Millbank to New Feathered Friends
Written by Howard Dale Jr.   

MILLBANK – Sheridan, Wisconsin has been a sister city to Millbank since 2013, and so far, the sibling relationship has been similar to that you would find in other families – long periods of indifference, punctuated by oubursts of fervent affection, which are in turn punctuated by fierce rivalry and irritation. “If we were an only child city, we’d probably be spoiled rotten, and have mother city issues, so we’re thankful to have Sheridan in our city family,” says city councilman Gary Shanks.

In honor of this past Earth Day, Sheridan sent Millbank a pair of Eastern Black-banded Snapwings, small, crested seed-eating birds endemic to that region. “They’re real cute,” says city councilwoman Mandy Mills. “And when they flap their wings, it makes a little popping sound, like snapping your fingers. It’s sweet.”

Ms. Mills isn’t the only one to catch “snapwing fever”. Over the past two weeks, over a dozen local residents have visited the new arrivals. City officials have also begun a contest to name the feathered pair. The most popular entries thus far are “Mr. and Mrs. Sofa Guy”, “Lunch and Dinner”, and “Dave” for both birds.snapwing

However, some residents have voiced concern about the new additions to the local fauna. Eloise Van Vlinden, local duck enthusiast, has been petitioning outside the Super Grocery Mart. “How can we be expected to care for these foreign invaders when we struggle to provide enough habitat for our own native ducks?” She is in favor of building a wall to keep snapwings and any other exotic species out of the town.

Millbank officials, in consultation with the local ornithological society, have done some research about how to make the new avian residents feel at home. “Most birds don’t tend to stick around Millbank,” says local birdwatcher, Sergio Iturribide. “They fly away to Chesterburgh Point as fast as their little wings can carry them.” To that end, the ornithological society has created a habitat stocked with nesting materials and food behind the public library. “They are picky eaters, it turns out, so we’ve tried a little bit of everything. Butterscotch pudding is a favorite,” says Iturribide.

“True Millbankians all the way,” comments Mills. In return, the Millbank City Council has decided to give their own gift to Sheridan – a new sofa from Mr. Sofa Guy’s Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium. “We thought they would appreciate something in a nice plaid.”

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Hoodlums, not Hooligans, Responsible for Crime Spree
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   

Local Advocate says to Fear Hoodlums but Embrace Hooligans

A wave of pranks and misdeeds has swept through Millbank in recent weeks and left authorities and parents blaming the city’s hooligan population. Adults have vowed swift justice and red fannies.

Poop Graffiti in Millbank

Not so fast, says Clarence T. Whipoorwill, head of the Hooligan Advocacy Network.

“What we’ve seen isn’t our dear, sweet hooligans,” said Mr. Whipoorwill. “These heinous crimes are the work of dirty hoodlums.”

The crimes he speaks of are recent incidents such as feeding Millbank’s ducks fake rubber bread, a crank call to Lotsa Value Hardware that resulted in store management throwing its entire inventory of hammers through the plate-glass windows, and graffiti of a term for feces sprayed onto the high school with permanent paint.

“Our hooligans are better than that,” said Mr. Whipoorwill from his bachelor unit at theDownhill Moderate Senior Living Facility. “We’ve raised them better. Sure they can be rowdy and scary, but they are generally in bed at a reasonable hour, love our ducks, and hate poop.”

Mr. Whipoorwill said he believes the recent terror spree is the work of rougher, more poorly-parented band of hoodlums that are over from Chesterburgh Point. But Police Chief Vern Howard disagrees and believes the problem is local.

“Our hooligans can be pretty mean,” said the Chief. “They once published a newspaper that said I smelled bad. They filled that poor man’s slide-whistle with cement. And we are very close to charging two local youths for the loosened salt-shaker cap tragedy.” Mr. Howard was referring to a five-year-old case that resulted in several breakfasts at the Koffee Klatsch being ruined.

Frightened Ducks - Millbank“Blaming hooligans for these crimes is a mistake,” insists Mr. Whipoorwill. “Speaking on their behalf, I would like to offer the police our support in catching the Chesterburgh Point hoodlums so that Millbank can return to its normal, lower level of fear and intimidation at the hands of our very own hooligans.”

When asked about Mr. Whipoorill’s comments by the Millbank Daily-Weekly, local hooligans who were skateboarding in a clearly-marked “Skateboard Free Zone” said, “The old man should stuff a sock in it.”

Mr. Whipoorwill chuckled and said, “I wouldn’t expect any less from them.”

Meanwhile, Millbank police have raised the Hooligan Alert Level to Red and asked residents to monitor their teenaged children for any suspicious activity, moody behavior or backtalk.


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Millbank’s Future May Include Pickleball Headquarters, Ducks
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MILLBANK - After weeks of meeting with different constituents and sifting through thousands of data points, the Clean Springs-based firm Civic Excellence Consultants (CEC) has one thing to say about Millbank. "It's literally impossible to make anyone happy around here," declares Lawrence Kliphoffer, Principal Planner FHCMM BS LMNOP.

“You have your old cranks and your young jerks and your middle-aged nobodies,” says Kliphoffer. “And they all want Millbank to be in their image. Well, let me tell you, if we did that, this place would be a disaster, worse than Dump Town. You ever heard about Dump Town? Of course not, Dump Town worked with Tangent Enterprises for their city planning. Now it’s just a fiery crevice with an evil smell coming out. And lots of gnats.”

Kliphoffer and his staff sent out a survey in January 2016 that asked residents to identify why they chose to live in Millbank. Answers ranged from “No choice; I’m locked in the root cellar” to “They wouldn’t let me in Chesterburgh Point because of my skin condition.” However, Kliphoffer says that the most common answer was “Butterscotch Pudding”, with over 56% of respondents writing that in the “other” slot.

The survey also asked residents to rate certain amenities in order of importance. According to Kliphoffer, those that responded with the choices provided were evenly split among parks and green space, infrastructure, safety, education and affordability. However, says Kliphoffer, this is not an indication that residents want all of those services; indeed, it tells the consultants that these items pale in importance compared to the items written in by the vast majority of Millbankians: pickleball, shaming young people and feeding ducks.

“Feeding ducks is almost eight times as important as well-maintained roads in Millbank,” admits Kliphoffer. “How do you build a town centered on feeding ducks? Ducks are assholes, everyone knows that.”

CEC also met with dozens of Millbank’s civic organizations to learn their priorities and form a coherent and inclusive vision for the community.

Local residents acknowledge the challenges of working within Millbank. “I know we’re different from other places,” says library manager Larry Alvarado. “But that will just make Future Millbank that much more unique and amazing. Mr. Alvarado, chair of the Millbank Council of the Arts and Pageants, recommended to the planning team that Millbank build a multi-million dollar sculpture garden and amphitheater on the site of the Fun But Dangerous Vacant Lot. Other ideas floated for that space so far include the Universal Global Superheadquarters for the Millbank Pickleball Expert League, a new juvenile detention facility sponsored by the local chapter of Moosatarians and an enlarged pond to provide habitat for ducks.

“Just think of Millbank’s place in the region if we supported the fine arts; people would come from miles around for enlightenment and entertainment. But if something else goes there, like a duck pond, Millbank will never rise beyond obscurity.” Mr. Alvarado would not comment on the moral failings of ducks, only remarking that ducks were not reliable supporters of the arts.

It is plain that much rides upon what CEC does with the data they’ve compiled. Kliphoffer remarked that his firm will have to work with the data for several more months to arrive at any feasible plan, all at premium rates, of course.

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Today in Millbank History

May 24, 1890

The Great Emigration to Chesterburgh Point begins when dozens of Millbank pioneers pack all they have in wagons and trek the long seven-mile distance to greener pastures.

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Millbank Crime Watch

Saturday, 02 May 2015

7:35 p.m. - Police responded to reports of hooliganism in the Fun But Dangerous Vacant Lot. When police arrived, they could find no troublemakers. They reported hearing a loud raspberry, but could not locate the source.

Saturday, 16 May 2015

11:14 a.m. – A man complained that he had purchased what was described as pea-sized gravel from the Lotsa Value Hardware, but what he received was grape-sized.

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

8:14 p.m. – Two people on bicycles on Chaise Street were reported when they stopped to talk for three or four minutes.

Friday, 22 May 2015

1:37 p.m. – A man on Chaise Street was reported for asking passersby “What’s up, folks?” and then offering to make up a limerick using their names. Police said there was no law against the limericks, but an 1896 city code forbids asking people what’s up.

Sunday, 24 May 2015

2:15 p.m. – A caller reported a small, furry naked man swimming in the Ottoman River.  Police investigated and found no man, but a beaver.

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