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Pickleball League Teams with Police to Fight Hooligans
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   

Faced with increasing reports of hooliganism and a beleaguered staff, the Millbank Police have turned to the city’s Pickleball Expert League for help.

“This is a no-brainer,” said Millbank’s self-proclaimed “Pickleball Maniac” Doug Sheffley. Sheffley, 71, is the owner of Pickleball Mania Pickleball Supplies. “Ours sport attracts only the highest caliber of citizen. We’re trustworthy, dedicated, punctual and always display good sportsmanship. Who better to enforce the laws of our city?”

Pickleball Lady with GunPickleball is popular in many senior communities throughout the country. It appeals to the elderly because it is a low impact sport, similar to tennis, but played on a smaller court with a whiffle ball and special paddles. Sheffley introduced the game to Millbank in 2012, and its local following has soared as evidenced by the many T-shirts, bumper stickers and handprinted newsletters around town. The game’s critics say its zealous fans act more like a cult than athletes and harass residents in their efforts to recruit new players. The Downhill Moderate Senior Living Facility converted its chapel into a pickleball court, and Sheffley has held weekly rallies to get the city to install outdoor courts in Ottoman Park.

It is at those weekly rallies that pickleball players first encountered the city’s large and shadowy cabal of hooligans. Sheffley said his peaceful rallies were often disrupted by teenagers in ill-fitting pants on skateboards who called them bad names and demanded that space in the park be used to construct a skateboard area, and not “some place for old people to die.”

Millbank Daily-Weekly staff reached out to a local teenager who owns a skateboard and says he speaks for all local hooligans. “Old people blow chunks,” said the teen who asked not to be identified. “Pickleball blows chunks, and that one ancient dude, Pickleball Man or something? He better shut his mouth before someone shoves a paddle in it.”

Sheffley said the hooligan problem at his rallies got so bad that he had to ask the police for help. However, police chief Vern Howard told Sheffley that staffing resources were overextended due to the recent spate of defecations at the community pool. This is when Sheffley got the idea to offer the assistance of the pickleball community to the police. Sheffley reported the police resisted his generous offer at first, but eventually saw the benefits.

“He’s persistent,” conceded Chief Howard of Sheffley. “When he wants something, he doesn’t stop. He called me every day. He got his disciples to call me every day. They jammed up the switchboard, and marched in front of the station with their ping-pong paddle things. I don’t have the staff to fight them, not with all the pooping going on. So I caved.”

Pickleball Ladies with Guns

The resulting partnership between the Millbank Police and the Pickleball Expert League means that all League members are automatically deputized and given a firearm with the authority to use it in the line of duty.

“Duty means keeping hooligans in line,” said Sheffley. “But shooting these youths is not our first priority. It’s our second priority.”

The partnership also means that many of Millbank’s grandparents and grandchildren will be at odds, with the elder generation potentially hunting down the offspring of their own children.

“It doesn’t have to come to that,” insisted Sheffley. “Not if we can get these little punks into a pickleball-intensive diversion program. Eight hours a day with a paddle and they’ll be too tired and happy to cause any trouble. Once they start playing they won’t ever want to stop, and the good news of pickleball will be shared with a new generation. I can see a day when every man, woman and child finds true joy on clean, new outdoor pickleball courts in Ottoman Park.”

Millbank Daily-Weekly staff asked Chief Howard what training or instruction was being given to senior citizens now carrying guns. Howard said, “Let’s just get them all guns and get Sheffley off my back first. We’ll worry about showing them how to use them later.”

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Two Injured in Holiday Patio Mishap
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MILLBANK – Fireworks are not the only thing making a big bang in Millbank over the Independence Day weekend. On Friday night, patrons of Adolf’s Irish Pub gathered to celebrate and indulge in holiday drink specials, only to have the patio roof topple upon them. Lorne Pfeffernus, regular customer, and Adolf Mc’O’Patrick, owner/ manager, suffered slight lacerations to their scalps but are otherwise fine.

“I got the hell out of there when I saw the roof swaying back and forth”, says Barbie Berman, 47. “At first, I thought it was just me weaving, but then I noticed that my Mai Tai was staying in one spot, my friend Chelsea was staying in one spot, the only thing that was moving was the roof.”

“The patio has been up for a year now, and we’ve never had any problems with it,” says Mr. Mc’O’Patrick. It’s a good thing the patio roof was made out of balsa – safety first for my patrons, believe me. I think we might have had an earthquake, that’s the only explanation I could think of. ” party patio

Local geologist, Dr. Wendell Perry, noted that there were no irregular readings on the equipment located in the Disaster Lab at Tri-City Community College on Friday night.

The injuries were minor, but the trauma was still significant according to local residents. “They wouldn’t let me bring my Singapore Sling into the emergency room,” recalled Mr. Pfeffernus. “Even though I tried to explain that it was practically medicine. Look, it even has a medical name! Sling!”

But this longtime Millbank watering hole will not remain down for long. “Adolf’s Irish Pub will rebuild its Party Patio,” declared Mr. Mc’O’Patrick. “Millbank needs a spot to let its hair down and have a good time. And this time, we will use metal hardware! State of the art for maximum partying, that’s our motto.”

“Well, my friend Chelsea and I went to the Out of Bounds after the roof fell at Adolf’s and no roof fell on us there,” Ms. Berman said. “They should totally put that in their advertisements.”

The owner of the Out of Bounds, Gabriel Jesus Gandhi, could not be reached for comment on whether the lack of falling roofs would feature in their next marketing campaign.

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Summer Reading Program Unleashes Competitive Spirit
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MILLBANK – Last Monday, the Millbank Public Library began its Summer Reading Program with the catch phrase “Be Reading Royalty!” Local librarian Harriet Roe began the program seven years ago as a way to keep kids busy during the long break from school. “The city council was concerned about the level of hooliganism on our local streets,” explains Roe, 27. “What’s a better way to occupy hooligans than to offer them a big stack of books to read? No teen boy is going to disrespect his elders after reading a ‘Tale of Two Cities’.”

Although levels of juvenile delinquency have not yet declined over the past seven years, the Millbank Public Library decided to continue the program this year. “Even if the hooligans aren’t reading, this is a service that we offer to the rest of the community. Millbank is a community of lifelong learners, and it’s our duty, as librarians to foster that culture,” says Roe. unhappy-kid

The guidelines of the summer reading program are straightforward. Members of the public library sign up and pledge to read a certain number of words between June 8 and September 1. At the end of the summer, those who fulfilled their pledge receive a free book. Roe adds, “This year, in addition, we thought it would be great to offer a little extra push to encourage more reading in the community.”

The little extra push referred to above is the title, offered at the end of the summer, to the King and Queen of Reading. One Millbank male and one Millbank female will be crowned at the end of the summer, based on number of words read. Competition for the title is expected to be fierce. “I’m excited for the chance. I have never been royal anything,” claims Meryl Burgato. “Royal pain in the,” added Keith Burgato, her husband, before being cut off suddenly by a large handbag.

Roe admits that it hasn’t taken long for Millbank’s competitive spirit to manifest itself. “It’s been less than a week, and people have come up to me to ask if words they had already read once counted, like street signs and advertisements. I have seen with my own eyes, patrons pushing each other out of the way so they could read all the titles of the books on the shelves before the other person “claimed” them for their own count,” remembers Roe.

Roe says, “I just want to emphasize that the whole point of this program is to enjoy reading all the literature our library has to offer. If you get to 100,000 words just reading instructions for your blender over and over, that seems like a massive waste of time. It’s not like the title really means anything.

Some Millbank residents might quibble with Roe’s statement. “When I am Reading Queen of Millbank, I vow to be a just and wise leader. I won’t make everyone bow to me or call me “Your Majesty”, at least not all the time,” says Ms. Burgato, who says she has read over 40,000 words over the last week. Many of those words were from credits and title sequences from her giant DVD collection, according to Ms. Burgato. “You can’t imagine how many words there are after a movie. I can just rack them up. Words like Key Grip and Best Boy are going to be my path to ruling this town.”

“My mom won’t let me play my Wii or go outside,” claims Gretel Bowland, 9. “She says that if I get to be Reading Queen, she will be royalty by association. I’ve read every single Junie B. Jones at the library and am now halfway through the Chronicles of Narnia, but mom says I should try the phone book.”

Librarian Roe says she will not change the guidelines for this summer but is definitely considering adapting the program for next year, keeping Millbank’s penchant for chaos in mind. “Either that, or I’m going to ask for a transfer to a different library system.”

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Today in Millbank History

August 3, 1913 - The Great Millbank Malaise

Dozens of local stray dogs fall down and nap wherever they were standing - in Ottoman Park, in the street, in the First Millbank Church of God.  Traffic comes to a standstill on Millbank streets.

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