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Neil Gruber Promises More Weirdness, Local Group Says "No Thanks"
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   

Neil Gruber

The Millbank Chamber of Commerce and Sofas has issued an Amber Alert in the Tri-city area instructing citizens to avoid Neil Gruber’s (pictured left) World of the Weird, located on Main Avenue in the storefront formerly occupied by Things on Tape.

The MCoCaS decided to use the Amber Alert for an unorthodox purpose after finding a “startling and disgusting” flyer for Mr. Gruber’s World of the Weird on cars parked at the Super Grocery Mart. The Chamber, whose membership is not revealed, said their issue is not with the three-dollar coupon on every flyer, but with the threats it contained to “startle, mystify and scare the living daylights out of visitors.”

“We don’t care if he gives people five dollars off, we’d still warn people away,” said a spokesman for the MCoCaS who requested anonymity. “What he’s displaying are monstrosities, freaks of nature. He is going to warp young minds!”

Neil Gruber's Weird Potato

The Millbank Daily-Weekly asked the spokesman if a six-dollar discount would sway the MCoCaS. The spokesman said he would check on that, but had not replied by deadline.

Mr. Gruber, a Millbank native, has operated his World of the Weird amusement every October in Millbank for over a decade. In it, he presents a range of macabre, mysterious and unexplained objects that he claims to have collected in his every-day life. Past items have included such oddities as a three-nut peanut, carrots with two tips and a Peanut M&M with no nut. But Mr. Gruber promises, or threatens, to be even weirder this year.

Critics claim that the disturbing nature of World of the Weird is not in keeping with the town’s family values and distaste for showing off. They also say that by calling it a “world” rather than “fun house” he is exploiting a loophole in the City’s 2005 ban on “fun houses” after dozens of people complained that the First Church of God’s Halloween Fun House was “Not fun at all.” To this day, many residents are still disturbed by the sound of slide whistles.

Neil Gruber's Weird Peanut

Despite the Amber Alert, Mr. Gruber said this year’s World of the Weird will be the most terrifying yet. “Remember the three-nut peanut? Now forget about it. This year, I have a peanut that is 33% weirder. I won’t say how.

“Have you ever seen a weird potato? Well, how about 137 of them in one room? Or a cat with three legs? I don’t actually have that last one, but I printed a picture out from the Internet, and you can see it.”

The MCoCaS will appeal to the City council and police to shut down Neil Gruber’s “World of the Weird” and may sue Mr. Gruber over his slogan to "Keep Millbank Weird" claiming there is "no proof that the City was, is or ever will be weird." The MCoCaS will also issue its own flyers in the Super Grocery Mart’s parking lot to counter the three-dollar coupons for World of the Weird that residents will find on their windshields after parking there.

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New Course Offerings Reflect Changing Times at TCCC
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MILLBANK – Students returned to classes at Tri-City Community College (“Home of the Fighting Geese”) last week amidst traditional sights and sounds: the Falafel Wagon parked outside the student center, the statue of school founder Philip Tri-City, the raucous pep rallies complete with live geese. But there was something missing, and that something is troubling many alumni and local residents.

“If they take away the phrenology major, what will they take away next, the major in eating and breathing?” asked protesting parent Linda Ovine, 59. When informed that there is currently no eating and breathing major, she answered, ‘There you go. Our young people will be completely unprepared for the real world. I can’t think of anything more important than being able to judge the character of other people by measuring their skulls. Except maybe eating and breathing.”

The protests began on the second day of classes, after a local parent examined the class schedule brought home by her daughter, a student at Tri-City Community College. Said local parent Becca Murray, 43, “I feel like Tri-City is focusing less on the courses that made it stand out from all those mediocre schools around the country. Tell me, does Stanford offer alchemy? Does MIT offer a certificate in blacksmithing and ratcatching?”

Philip Tri-City founded Tri-City Community College in 1909, in order to provide “a practical and useful education in technical fields beneficial to life in Millbank”. The most popular major remains the sofa design and craft major, which funnels many graduates into work at Mr. Sofa Guy’s Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium, but majors are also available in criminal justice, accounting and switchboard operating.

School administrator Kyle Seminole, 34, explained, “This year, we added new courses in computer programming, marketing and business administration in order to make sure our students were ready for the 21st century job market. We only have so many faculty, but I am proud to say that our faculty stepped up and got creative in order to increase our course offerings overall.” For example, Associate Professor Zed Swatter now teaches “Principles of Marketing” and “Social Media: Theory, Practice and Evaluation” as well as “Slide Whistle 101” and “Advanced Techniques in Slide Whistle”.

“The protestors should understand that phrenology was the only major we eliminated entirely, and it was not nearly as popular as it was back in 1909,” added Seminole. “These changes will ensure that our “Fighting Geese” are getting the best value from their tuition and emerging as well-rounded and sophisticated citizens of the world.”

Admits local student Sarah Haskell, 20, “I’m actually excited about the new classes, especially now that I know TCCC has no plans to eliminate the major in slide whistle. Golly, I was really worried there for a second!”

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Anonymous Tip Leads Police to Sticky-Faced Teens
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   

Possible Millbank Butterscotch BanditAs the city sits on the edge of civilian unrest due to pudding shortages and the resulting martial law, Millbank Police responded to an anonymous tip of a standoff between a band of hooligans and armed senior citizens behind the Downhill Moderate Senior Living Facility on Friday evening. The tipster used a hotline established by the City to help recover more than 800 pounds of butterscotch pudding stolen from the earlier in the week.

The anonymous tipster reported seeing “sticky-faced teens all hopped up on sugar” darting in and out of the Senior Facility and carrying bowls. Police said the tipster sounded like a man, most likely elderly, and with a voice “very similar, if not identical” to Arnold Grateau’s, who lives in a single-story home at 1435 E. Main Avenue.

Responding police officers arrived at the Downhill Moderate Senior Living Facility at approximately 8:57 p.m. to find approximately ten-to-fifteen teenagers hiding in some bushes and throwing plastic spoons and sporks at four senior citizens with rifles and who kept asking someone to turn on a light so they could see better.

“Obviously, it’s bad situation,” said police chief Vern Howard. . “We have a goal to reduce assaults on our seniors with deadly weapons by six percent this year, and this doesn’t help.” Sporks have been banned by City police as deadly weapons ever since the Incident at the 1987 Mill Family Picnic Jamboree.

“We had the situation under control,” said Phil Sheffley, de facto leader of the armed seniors. “We had reinforcements coming. They were just trying to park their Buicks.”

Chief Howard disagrees and said the City is exploring options to take back the guns that police initially gave the seniors to help combat hooliganism. “It’s just, those people have guns now, so they might shoot us if we try to take them back.”

The standoff was diffused when the seniors left the area to stop Taste of Millbank Festival-goers from misusing pickleball courts for dancing to the inflammatory sounds of rock-oompah band “Boogie Buddies / Dangerous Flannel.”

Police detained and questioned the hiding youth. The official report indicates the youngsters were indeed sticky-faced with a “butterscotch pudding-like substance.” However, there was no evidence of theft, and Downhill residents said every youngster was one of their grandchildren and probably just eating tapioca.

The children were released to their grandparents, who said they would bring them inside “for a treat.” Police continue to search for the missing pudding.

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Today in Millbank History

November 28, 1940

Millbank Daily-Weekly editor-in-chief Helen Hamilton is born.

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