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New Master Plan Attempts to Keep Millbank Safe
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MILLBANK - In its lengthy and eventful history, Millbank has survived countless floods, fires, disease outbreaks and wild animal attacks. Mobs have grown violent over pudding shortages. Hoodlums have defaced public art without remorse. This checkered past has influenced Millbank's master planning team in designing a new and improved Millbank.

“Other towns have to consider natural disasters as well,” says City Councilman and owner/ manager of Gary’s Pet Emporium, Gary Shanks, “but in Millbank, we’ve had to learn to expect the unexpected.” To that end, the city council and Clean Springs-based firm Civic Excellence Consultants have worked closely with the Disaster Lab at Tri-City Community College in order to identify the dangers most likely to hit Millbank and what protections are needed to avoid them.Disaster plan for Millbank

In the latest plans released by the Clean Springs-based master planning company, Civic Excellence Consultants, heavy dikes would be constructed adjacent not only to the Water River, but also Duck Pond and the Millbank Aquatic Complex. “Millbank’s topography is such that it is almost impossible to go even fourteen months without a major flood event,” explains Lawrence Kliphoffer, Principal Planner BM BO XYZPDQ. The dikes are reinforced by soft absorbent padding, which will also protect the “accident-prone populace” as it walks along the proposed new greenbelt trail. “Actually, most surfaces in the town will be wrapped in this same material,” says Kliphoffer, “we’ve learned from our research that Millbankians simply can’t deal with sharp corners or hard surfaces. We believe this change will result in over 45% fewer emergency room visits within the first year of installation.”

The master planners have also considered some of the social aspects of their plans. “Many towns are designing public spaces, such as parks or plazas, to allow for informal mingling and a sense of community. We know from our time in Millbank that this is just asking for trouble. The new plan purposefully keeps residents separated. Think of it as ‘out of sight, out of mind’.” Kliphoffer estimates that these changes will reduce police hotline calls by 66% and pellet gun use by 87%.

Other new features of the master plan include strategically-placed towers with armed guards to take out any potentially threatening wild animals and softly piped music to calm juveniles before they commit any antisocial offenses. Local resident Linda Ovine, 59, after hearing of the plans, remarked, “Giant diapers and snipers are very well and good, but what about the gamma rays or slide whistles? What will the planners do to save us from those abominations?”

When presented with these concerns, Kliphoffer sighed and added gamma rays and slide whistles to his list of possible disasters. “If we could, we would construct a big plastic bubble to put around the whole town,” says Kliphoffer. “Perhaps in a few years, the technology will finally be there. It’s not so much that we’re worried about danger coming into town as stupidity leaking out.”

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Sister City Introduces Millbank to New Feathered Friends
Written by Howard Dale Jr.   

MILLBANK – Sheridan, Wisconsin has been a sister city to Millbank since 2013, and so far, the sibling relationship has been similar to that you would find in other families – long periods of indifference, punctuated by oubursts of fervent affection, which are in turn punctuated by fierce rivalry and irritation. “If we were an only child city, we’d probably be spoiled rotten, and have mother city issues, so we’re thankful to have Sheridan in our city family,” says city councilman Gary Shanks.

In honor of this past Earth Day, Sheridan sent Millbank a pair of Eastern Black-banded Snapwings, small, crested seed-eating birds endemic to that region. “They’re real cute,” says city councilwoman Mandy Mills. “And when they flap their wings, it makes a little popping sound, like snapping your fingers. It’s sweet.”

Ms. Mills isn’t the only one to catch “snapwing fever”. Over the past two weeks, over a dozen local residents have visited the new arrivals. City officials have also begun a contest to name the feathered pair. The most popular entries thus far are “Mr. and Mrs. Sofa Guy”, “Lunch and Dinner”, and “Dave” for both birds.snapwing

However, some residents have voiced concern about the new additions to the local fauna. Eloise Van Vlinden, local duck enthusiast, has been petitioning outside the Super Grocery Mart. “How can we be expected to care for these foreign invaders when we struggle to provide enough habitat for our own native ducks?” She is in favor of building a wall to keep snapwings and any other exotic species out of the town.

Millbank officials, in consultation with the local ornithological society, have done some research about how to make the new avian residents feel at home. “Most birds don’t tend to stick around Millbank,” says local birdwatcher, Sergio Iturribide. “They fly away to Chesterburgh Point as fast as their little wings can carry them.” To that end, the ornithological society has created a habitat stocked with nesting materials and food behind the public library. “They are picky eaters, it turns out, so we’ve tried a little bit of everything. Butterscotch pudding is a favorite,” says Iturribide.

“True Millbankians all the way,” comments Mills. In return, the Millbank City Council has decided to give their own gift to Sheridan – a new sofa from Mr. Sofa Guy’s Sofa Kingdom Warehouse Emporium. “We thought they would appreciate something in a nice plaid.”

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Hoodlums, not Hooligans, Responsible for Crime Spree
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   

Local Advocate says to Fear Hoodlums but Embrace Hooligans

A wave of pranks and misdeeds has swept through Millbank in recent weeks and left authorities and parents blaming the city’s hooligan population. Adults have vowed swift justice and red fannies.

Poop Graffiti in Millbank

Not so fast, says Clarence T. Whipoorwill, head of the Hooligan Advocacy Network.

“What we’ve seen isn’t our dear, sweet hooligans,” said Mr. Whipoorwill. “These heinous crimes are the work of dirty hoodlums.”

The crimes he speaks of are recent incidents such as feeding Millbank’s ducks fake rubber bread, a crank call to Lotsa Value Hardware that resulted in store management throwing its entire inventory of hammers through the plate-glass windows, and graffiti of a term for feces sprayed onto the high school with permanent paint.

“Our hooligans are better than that,” said Mr. Whipoorwill from his bachelor unit at theDownhill Moderate Senior Living Facility. “We’ve raised them better. Sure they can be rowdy and scary, but they are generally in bed at a reasonable hour, love our ducks, and hate poop.”

Mr. Whipoorwill said he believes the recent terror spree is the work of rougher, more poorly-parented band of hoodlums that are over from Chesterburgh Point. But Police Chief Vern Howard disagrees and believes the problem is local.

“Our hooligans can be pretty mean,” said the Chief. “They once published a newspaper that said I smelled bad. They filled that poor man’s slide-whistle with cement. And we are very close to charging two local youths for the loosened salt-shaker cap tragedy.” Mr. Howard was referring to a five-year-old case that resulted in several breakfasts at the Koffee Klatsch being ruined.

Frightened Ducks - Millbank“Blaming hooligans for these crimes is a mistake,” insists Mr. Whipoorwill. “Speaking on their behalf, I would like to offer the police our support in catching the Chesterburgh Point hoodlums so that Millbank can return to its normal, lower level of fear and intimidation at the hands of our very own hooligans.”

When asked about Mr. Whipoorill’s comments by the Millbank Daily-Weekly, local hooligans who were skateboarding in a clearly-marked “Skateboard Free Zone” said, “The old man should stuff a sock in it.”

Mr. Whipoorwill chuckled and said, “I wouldn’t expect any less from them.”

Meanwhile, Millbank police have raised the Hooligan Alert Level to Red and asked residents to monitor their teenaged children for any suspicious activity, moody behavior or backtalk.


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Today in Millbank History

June 30, 2002

A mail bomb scare in the Millbank Post Office is revealed to be merely some tins of biscuit dough placed too close to the radiator.

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