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Residents, Health Inspectors at Odds Over Fate of Butterscotch Pudding
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   

Butterscotch loving Raccoons at Taste of MillbanksThe City of Millbank Health Department issued an emergency warning to residents on Friday evening after they say raccoons accessed and contaminated more than 475 gallons of butterscotch pudding at the Taste of Millbank Festival.

“We have evidence of raccoon infestation in the pudding,” said health inspector Dawn Meloni. “For that reason, we are encouraging residents to not eat the pudding.” The evidence, said Miss Meloni, is contaminants in the product, including fur, claws, raccoon blood, baby raccoons and massive amounts of raccoon poop. These reports come on the heels of last month’s state report citing Millbank’s raccoons as the most disease-ridden in the tri-county area.

The health warning comes during the Festival’s final, and most popular, weekend when the city’s residents often gorge themselves into a stupor on sweets and fried foods. The pudding is by far the most popular delicacy at the event and shortages in previous years have resulted in rioting, looting and even name-calling.

Residents at the Downhill Moderate Senior Living Facility make the pudding each year. The revenue it generates comprises 85% of the facility’s recreation budget. In previous years the seniors have rejected calls from City Hall to help keep order during the festival by making enough pudding for all residents. In May of this year, however, the television in the Downhill Facility’s recreation room stopped working, forcing the seniors to increase pudding production to raise funds. One senior citizen said they were hoping to make enough money to “get one of them fancy flat TVs with all the good shows on them.”

Downhill residents do not dispute that raccoons have gotten into the pudding. They said they had no way to store the nearly 2,200 gallons they made and were forced to keep it in garbage cans and barrels. The lids to the containers were stolen by hooligans who used them as frisbees.

However, the seniors insist the health warnings are overblown and that the butterscotch pudding is still fine. In fact, one senior said it tasted even better.

“(Raccooon hair) adds texture,” said Greta Fursten, a five-year resident, as she ate a small bowl of the pudding.

“And, oh, what’s that?” she asked as she removed a raccoon claw from between her teeth and said, “It’s fun. Every bowl is like a treasure hunt. You never know what you’ll find.”

Buttersctoch tainted Raccoon at Taste of MillbankThe Health Department has asked City Police to enforce a ban on butterscotch pudding sales for the remainder of the Taste of Millbank Festival. As of Saturday, police have not issued a ban and are weighing their options. Chief Vern Howard said they have to balance public health with the potential for a riot if butterscotch sales are halted.

Said Howard, “On the one hand, you’ve got people puking. On the other, you’ve got people bleeding. So, it’s a puke versus blood scenario.”

An informal survey of city residents showed that most agree with the seniors and that a rodent infestation would not stop them from consuming the pudding. Lloyd Kiljan, an Eighth Avenue resident, said the incident was an example of government overreach. “Like the time those Health Department goons told us the brown water in our taps was because of cross-contamination with the sewer plant, and not chocolate. You know what? Tasted like chocolate to me.”

One vendor has begun selling T-shirts at the festival that say “You can take my pudding from my cold dead hand.” Health inspector Dawn Meloni warned, “That is exactly what might happen.”

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Drug Bust Mars Festival Reputation
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MILLBANK – Residents were stunned this Friday to learn of the criminal activities occurring right under their noses during the annual Taste of Millbank food festival. Specifically, the crimes were happening on their lips, which are indeed anatomically located under noses. Millbank police confiscated eight boxes of kale lip balm from Water River Organic Beauty’s festival booth.

“It’s true, I have never before craved a lip balm quite so much as I craved this kale lip balm from Water River Organic Beauty, and it seemed local and sustainable, so I never dreamed that I was becoming a drug addict,” admits local resident Sharon Dale. “I guess I should have suspected something was off when I began to see panda bears in Ottoman Park, but I like pandas and was hoping there would be a panda show of some sort.”

“To be honest,” says fellow lip balm enthusiast Samantha Lewis, “I didn’t even know what that stuff was until just five minutes ago, but it sure was great. I know we’re not supposed to use it anymore, but I would pretty much kill to get my hands on another tube. You don’t happen to know where I can get it, do you?”

Dr. Arielle Hartwood, director of the Tri-City Rehabilitation Facility, has heard these sorts of sentiments before. “Addicts never know what depths they’ve sunk to until the drug in question is eliminated from their lives. Once that happens, it is important to beat down the addict and trigger intense feelings of guilt and regret so that they never want to touch the substance again. The best thing Millbank can do for these lip balm losers is lock them in a dark basement until their lips, and they, totally dry out.”

Water River Organic Beauty spokesperson, Olive Pearson, who was manning the festival booth during the festival, has been taken into custody by Millbank police. She had no comment, but the Water River Organic Beauty company issued a statement, “The ingredients in our earth-friendly line of natural cosmetics are things one would find in their own kitchen and bathroom cupboards – beeswax, kale, almond oil and honey. We do not put any dangerous or addictive substance in our lip balm.”

Dr. Hartwood replies, “I can find Dran-O in my cupboard, but that doesn’t mean it belongs in something I rub on my face.

Festival organizers are distraught at this blow to what had been a peaceful Taste of Millbank. “Thank goodness we still have the butterscotch pudding,” says beleaguered festival chair Emma Bartlett. “Life wouldn’t be worth living right now without the pudding.”

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Taste of Millbank Suffers No Disaster Yet
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MILLBANK – Millbank’s biggest and most beleaguered festival has surprised residents and visitors alike by running relatively smoothly this week. Only two people have been treated for injuries since last Friday night when the festival opened, and there have been a smaller number of arrests than usual. Police Chief Howard told The Millbank Daily-Weekly, “We had a little rain earlier in the week and have had to perform a little crowd management for those standing in line for the traditional butterscotch pudding, but no tear gas, rubber bullets or riot gear. This week has been quite the breath of fresh air.”

Best of all, says local food critic Wayne Wayling, “No one has yet been sent to the emergency room for salmonella or E.coli. Really, one couldn’t ask for a nicer festival; The lack of vomiting and explosive diarrhea just really shows Millbank’s town spirit to its best advantage.”

In the past, pudding shortages, raucous hooligans and tensions between rival eateries have imperiled Taste of Millbank, which is traditionally held the third week of August. “All that heat, the crowds, the pressure of being compared to Downhill Moderate Senior Living’s exquisite butterscotch pudding, it’s a recipe for a disastrous food festival, says Wayling. “It’s also a recipe for amoebic dysentery.”

The visitors to Taste of Millbank have uniformly praised the offerings so far. “The butterscotch pudding is sublime – so sweet and creamy,” says Samantha Lewis, 36. “I also tried something from another booth, some sort of sticky candy in a tube. That was pretty good as well. Actually, if you'll excuse me, I might just go and get another one of those.”

The booth in question, Water River Organic Beauty, was handing out free cruelty-free lip balms to anyone who stopped at the booth. “We have natural scents such as pine, musk and kale.” Upon further questioning, the unnamed source said that the kale lip balm was particularly popular, so popular that people would come back for for more multiple times in a day. “Folks in Millbank must have really chapped lips,” said company spokesperson Jen Olsen.

Hopes are running high that this year’s Taste of Millbank will end on a peaceful and satisfied note. “We might have finally gotten it right this time,” hopes Emma Bartlett, one of the festival organizers. “I guess you can say I’d bet a dish of butterscotch pudding on it,” she added, before putting another coat of kale lip balm around her mouth.

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New Local Currency Spurs Commerce, Confusion
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MillbuckMILLBANK – In an effort to encourage businesses at local shops, restaurants and services, the Millbank Boosters Club has begun to issue “Millbucks” to town residents. “We feel that this is a fun way to support our friends and neighbors who run businesses in this town,” explains Howard Dale Jr. “When you want to buy a coffee and Danish at the Koffee Klatch or a new hammer at Lotsa Value Hardware, just pay with ‘Millbucks’ and show your appreciation for Millbank’s business community.”

At this time, according to reports, neither of those businesses have been approached about accepting Millbank’s new currency. “You can’t just come in here and give me a slip of colorful paper and expect that you get breakfast,” explains Sergio Iturribide, 46, current owner of the Koffee Klatch. “How would they like it, if I just grabbed a gum wrapper off the street and tried to pay my rent or buy shoes for my kids? That’s not what America is all about.”

Some confusion has arisen about the proper use of Millbucks this week. “The other day, Fern Goodbrush tried to stuff some of that funny money into the credit card reader at Pump #5,” recounts Mervin Hoyt, 51, owner and manager of GasCo Gas Mart. “The thing is still broken.” According to Millbank businesses, other problems associated with Millbucks include residents trying to use Millbucks in other towns, and residents trying to use Monopoly money or other toy money instead of Millbucks.

Some residents have complained that Millbucks come in excessively large denominations. “When would I ever spend 500 quadrillion bucks on a hamburger in this town? And the smallest bill is 1 billion dollars. It’s impossible to get change,” says Samantha Lewis, 37. “And, really, who can take money that looks like that seriously? Real money should at least have some arcane Masonic symbols or stern patriarch staring on it.”

“This is the beginning of our Millbucks program,” admits Howard Dale Jr. “and we still have some kinks to work out. But once we do, both civic pride and the convenience of using Millbucks will put a lot of these concerns to rest. Millbucks send the message that Millbank is a fabulous place to do business.”

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Today in Millbank History

April 15, 1976

Millbank citizens topple mailboxes and barricade the Millbank Post Office in the first Tax Day riot.  The riot is quelled when one resident finds a care package from her grandmother in the wreckage.

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