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Hoodlums, not Hooligans, Responsible for Crime Spree
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   

Local Advocate says to Fear Hoodlums but Embrace Hooligans

A wave of pranks and misdeeds has swept through Millbank in recent weeks and left authorities and parents blaming the city’s hooligan population. Adults have vowed swift justice and red fannies.

Poop Graffiti in Millbank

Not so fast, says Clarence T. Whipoorwill, head of the Hooligan Advocacy Network.

“What we’ve seen isn’t our dear, sweet hooligans,” said Mr. Whipoorwill. “These heinous crimes are the work of dirty hoodlums.”

The crimes he speaks of are recent incidents such as feeding Millbank’s ducks fake rubber bread, a crank call to Lotsa Value Hardware that resulted in store management throwing its entire inventory of hammers through the plate-glass windows, and graffiti of a term for feces sprayed onto the high school with permanent paint.

“Our hooligans are better than that,” said Mr. Whipoorwill from his bachelor unit at theDownhill Moderate Senior Living Facility. “We’ve raised them better. Sure they can be rowdy and scary, but they are generally in bed at a reasonable hour, love our ducks, and hate poop.”

Mr. Whipoorwill said he believes the recent terror spree is the work of rougher, more poorly-parented band of hoodlums that are over from Chesterburgh Point. But Police Chief Vern Howard disagrees and believes the problem is local.

“Our hooligans can be pretty mean,” said the Chief. “They once published a newspaper that said I smelled bad. They filled that poor man’s slide-whistle with cement. And we are very close to charging two local youths for the loosened salt-shaker cap tragedy.” Mr. Howard was referring to a five-year-old case that resulted in several breakfasts at the Koffee Klatsch being ruined.

Frightened Ducks - Millbank“Blaming hooligans for these crimes is a mistake,” insists Mr. Whipoorwill. “Speaking on their behalf, I would like to offer the police our support in catching the Chesterburgh Point hoodlums so that Millbank can return to its normal, lower level of fear and intimidation at the hands of our very own hooligans.”

When asked about Mr. Whipoorill’s comments by the Millbank Daily-Weekly, local hooligans who were skateboarding in a clearly-marked “Skateboard Free Zone” said, “The old man should stuff a sock in it.”

Mr. Whipoorwill chuckled and said, “I wouldn’t expect any less from them.”

Meanwhile, Millbank police have raised the Hooligan Alert Level to Red and asked residents to monitor their teenaged children for any suspicious activity, moody behavior or backtalk.


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Millbank’s Future May Include Pickleball Headquarters, Ducks
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MILLBANK - After weeks of meeting with different constituents and sifting through thousands of data points, the Clean Springs-based firm Civic Excellence Consultants (CEC) has one thing to say about Millbank. "It's literally impossible to make anyone happy around here," declares Lawrence Kliphoffer, Principal Planner FHCMM BS LMNOP.

“You have your old cranks and your young jerks and your middle-aged nobodies,” says Kliphoffer. “And they all want Millbank to be in their image. Well, let me tell you, if we did that, this place would be a disaster, worse than Dump Town. You ever heard about Dump Town? Of course not, Dump Town worked with Tangent Enterprises for their city planning. Now it’s just a fiery crevice with an evil smell coming out. And lots of gnats.”

Kliphoffer and his staff sent out a survey in January 2016 that asked residents to identify why they chose to live in Millbank. Answers ranged from “No choice; I’m locked in the root cellar” to “They wouldn’t let me in Chesterburgh Point because of my skin condition.” However, Kliphoffer says that the most common answer was “Butterscotch Pudding”, with over 56% of respondents writing that in the “other” slot.

The survey also asked residents to rate certain amenities in order of importance. According to Kliphoffer, those that responded with the choices provided were evenly split among parks and green space, infrastructure, safety, education and affordability. However, says Kliphoffer, this is not an indication that residents want all of those services; indeed, it tells the consultants that these items pale in importance compared to the items written in by the vast majority of Millbankians: pickleball, shaming young people and feeding ducks.

“Feeding ducks is almost eight times as important as well-maintained roads in Millbank,” admits Kliphoffer. “How do you build a town centered on feeding ducks? Ducks are assholes, everyone knows that.”

CEC also met with dozens of Millbank’s civic organizations to learn their priorities and form a coherent and inclusive vision for the community.

Local residents acknowledge the challenges of working within Millbank. “I know we’re different from other places,” says library manager Larry Alvarado. “But that will just make Future Millbank that much more unique and amazing. Mr. Alvarado, chair of the Millbank Council of the Arts and Pageants, recommended to the planning team that Millbank build a multi-million dollar sculpture garden and amphitheater on the site of the Fun But Dangerous Vacant Lot. Other ideas floated for that space so far include the Universal Global Superheadquarters for the Millbank Pickleball Expert League, a new juvenile detention facility sponsored by the local chapter of Moosatarians and an enlarged pond to provide habitat for ducks.

“Just think of Millbank’s place in the region if we supported the fine arts; people would come from miles around for enlightenment and entertainment. But if something else goes there, like a duck pond, Millbank will never rise beyond obscurity.” Mr. Alvarado would not comment on the moral failings of ducks, only remarking that ducks were not reliable supporters of the arts.

It is plain that much rides upon what CEC does with the data they’ve compiled. Kliphoffer remarked that his firm will have to work with the data for several more months to arrive at any feasible plan, all at premium rates, of course.

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Easter Egg Hunt Called Off After Six Days
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   

Kids allowed to return to families, Park reopens to public.

After six days of searching in Ottoman Park, children were sent home from Millbank’s Fraternal Order of Moostarians Easter Egg Hunt with seven eggs still unrecovered. The Moostarians presume the missing eggs were stolen and have enlisted city police to “prosecute the thieves to the fullest extent of the law.”

As memorialized on the cork board in the Moostarian Trailer, the philanthropic organization is dedicated to “Building Character in Today’s Youth.” They are known throughout the community for their programs to toughen kids, such as the children’s intramural basketball league where six through eight-year-olds play against paid college students while fraternal members boo the children. Their annual elementary school spelling bee has not seen a child advance beyond the first round since 1954. The Moostarians also participate in local parades, driving dune buggies and go-karts while pelting children with rocks wrapped in motivational sayings such as, “Get a job, hippie,” and “Second place is first place for losers.”

Moostarian Easter Egg Hunt Called OffThe organization’s Easter Egg hunt has become a Millbank tradition. Each year, the Moostarians invite hundreds of children from Millbank’s most impoverished neighborhoods to Ottoman Park to search for as many as thirty eggs that are not dyed, not hard-boiled and are usually fertilized. It is the only egg hunt in the Tri-city area that has no rules to ensure fairness. The Moostarians pride themselves on hiding the eggs so well that previous hunts have drawn on into evening, sometimes overnight. Children who start the hunt are not allowed to leave until all eggs are found. Children who do not find eggs are shamed and warned they will likely amount to nothing in life.

However, this year the Moostarians outdid themselves for egg hiding, and the fraternal organization reluctantly called off the hunt six days and 23 recovered eggs after it started. An organization spokesman said they reluctantly decided to end the hunt after running out of rations, and when “mollycoddling mommies” asked police for help in bringing the youth home. He said they believed there was still character to build, however, and would have liked to continue.

The spokesman said that the seven missing eggs were probably taken by either the city’s hooligans or hoodlums from Chesterburgh Point. Local residents are not as sure a crime was committed, however, and some worry that the eggs will remain in the park where they will rot and begin to smell, potentially lowering property values, or attracting “the kinds of people who like rotten eggs.”

The Moostarian spokesman dismissed these concerns. “These people around the park could use a little stench in their lives. Besides, our eggs are mostly duck eggs taken from spring nests. In the off chance punks didn’t steal them, they’ll just hatch and become shotgun fodder.”

Still, the organization is convinced a robbery took place. “Return the eggs,” said the Moostarian spokesman, “and there will be no questions asked. You will be arrested, but we won’t ask questions.

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Today in Millbank History

May 2, 1953

Millbank police uncover dozens of major and minor crimes committed by Ninny Drew and the Henry Boys, for which they had framed dozens of other individuals in the name of "solving mysteries."

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Millbank Crime Watch

Saturday, 02 May 2015

7:35 p.m. - Police responded to reports of hooliganism in the Fun But Dangerous Vacant Lot. When police arrived, they could find no troublemakers. They reported hearing a loud raspberry, but could not locate the source.

Sunday, 03 May 2015

1:52 p.m. - First Millbank Church of God reported that someone had taken liberties with a sign out front, spray-painting an “f”, so that the sign read, "How Great Thou FArt".

Wednesday, 13 May 2015

12:54 a.m. - A woman reported seeing two children left in a car outside the Out of Bounds Saloon after midnight. Responding officers investigated and found that there were no children, but two midgets were engaged in inappropriate contact.

Monday, 18 May 2015

7:22 p.m. – An unknown person rang a doorbell and left a suspicious bag on the porch of a house on Third Avenue.  Upon investigation it was revealed the bag contained more bags.

Friday, 22 May 2015

1:37 p.m. – A man on Chaise Street was reported for asking passersby “What’s up, folks?” and then offering to make up a limerick using their names. Police said there was no law against the limericks, but an 1896 city code forbids asking people what’s up.

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