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Two Injured in Holiday Patio Mishap
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MILLBANK – Fireworks are not the only thing making a big bang in Millbank over the Independence Day weekend. On Friday night, patrons of Adolf’s Irish Pub gathered to celebrate and indulge in holiday drink specials, only to have the patio roof topple upon them. Lorne Pfeffernus, regular customer, and Adolf Mc’O’Patrick, owner/ manager, suffered slight lacerations to their scalps but are otherwise fine.

“I got the hell out of there when I saw the roof swaying back and forth”, says Barbie Berman, 47. “At first, I thought it was just me weaving, but then I noticed that my Mai Tai was staying in one spot, my friend Chelsea was staying in one spot, the only thing that was moving was the roof.”

“The patio has been up for a year now, and we’ve never had any problems with it,” says Mr. Mc’O’Patrick. It’s a good thing the patio roof was made out of balsa – safety first for my patrons, believe me. I think we might have had an earthquake, that’s the only explanation I could think of. ” party patio

Local geologist, Dr. Wendell Perry, noted that there were no irregular readings on the equipment located in the Disaster Lab at Tri-City Community College on Friday night.

The injuries were minor, but the trauma was still significant according to local residents. “They wouldn’t let me bring my Singapore Sling into the emergency room,” recalled Mr. Pfeffernus. “Even though I tried to explain that it was practically medicine. Look, it even has a medical name! Sling!”

But this longtime Millbank watering hole will not remain down for long. “Adolf’s Irish Pub will rebuild its Party Patio,” declared Mr. Mc’O’Patrick. “Millbank needs a spot to let its hair down and have a good time. And this time, we will use metal hardware! State of the art for maximum partying, that’s our motto.”

“Well, my friend Chelsea and I went to the Out of Bounds after the roof fell at Adolf’s and no roof fell on us there,” Ms. Berman said. “They should totally put that in their advertisements.”

The owner of the Out of Bounds, Gabriel Jesus Gandhi, could not be reached for comment on whether the lack of falling roofs would feature in their next marketing campaign.

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Summer Reading Program Unleashes Competitive Spirit
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MILLBANK – Last Monday, the Millbank Public Library began its Summer Reading Program with the catch phrase “Be Reading Royalty!” Local librarian Harriet Roe began the program seven years ago as a way to keep kids busy during the long break from school. “The city council was concerned about the level of hooliganism on our local streets,” explains Roe, 27. “What’s a better way to occupy hooligans than to offer them a big stack of books to read? No teen boy is going to disrespect his elders after reading a ‘Tale of Two Cities’.”

Although levels of juvenile delinquency have not yet declined over the past seven years, the Millbank Public Library decided to continue the program this year. “Even if the hooligans aren’t reading, this is a service that we offer to the rest of the community. Millbank is a community of lifelong learners, and it’s our duty, as librarians to foster that culture,” says Roe. unhappy-kid

The guidelines of the summer reading program are straightforward. Members of the public library sign up and pledge to read a certain number of words between June 8 and September 1. At the end of the summer, those who fulfilled their pledge receive a free book. Roe adds, “This year, in addition, we thought it would be great to offer a little extra push to encourage more reading in the community.”

The little extra push referred to above is the title, offered at the end of the summer, to the King and Queen of Reading. One Millbank male and one Millbank female will be crowned at the end of the summer, based on number of words read. Competition for the title is expected to be fierce. “I’m excited for the chance. I have never been royal anything,” claims Meryl Burgato. “Royal pain in the,” added Keith Burgato, her husband, before being cut off suddenly by a large handbag.

Roe admits that it hasn’t taken long for Millbank’s competitive spirit to manifest itself. “It’s been less than a week, and people have come up to me to ask if words they had already read once counted, like street signs and advertisements. I have seen with my own eyes, patrons pushing each other out of the way so they could read all the titles of the books on the shelves before the other person “claimed” them for their own count,” remembers Roe.

Roe says, “I just want to emphasize that the whole point of this program is to enjoy reading all the literature our library has to offer. If you get to 100,000 words just reading instructions for your blender over and over, that seems like a massive waste of time. It’s not like the title really means anything.

Some Millbank residents might quibble with Roe’s statement. “When I am Reading Queen of Millbank, I vow to be a just and wise leader. I won’t make everyone bow to me or call me “Your Majesty”, at least not all the time,” says Ms. Burgato, who says she has read over 40,000 words over the last week. Many of those words were from credits and title sequences from her giant DVD collection, according to Ms. Burgato. “You can’t imagine how many words there are after a movie. I can just rack them up. Words like Key Grip and Best Boy are going to be my path to ruling this town.”

“My mom won’t let me play my Wii or go outside,” claims Gretel Bowland, 9. “She says that if I get to be Reading Queen, she will be royalty by association. I’ve read every single Junie B. Jones at the library and am now halfway through the Chronicles of Narnia, but mom says I should try the phone book.”

Librarian Roe says she will not change the guidelines for this summer but is definitely considering adapting the program for next year, keeping Millbank’s penchant for chaos in mind. “Either that, or I’m going to ask for a transfer to a different library system.”

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Today in Millbank History

July 5, 1984

Due to Hedda Lingstrom's lack of a sense of smell, the entire town of Millbank is nearly felled by ptomaine poisoning in the potato salad at the annual picnic.  Stomach pumps have to be brought in from nearby Chesterburgh Point and Clean Springs.

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