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74 Lucky Residents Detained for Fun
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   

Many more winners expected during Taste of Millbank Festival, promise PuddCorp executives.

Standing before a phalanx of executives from PuddCorp tonight , the Mayor of Millbank announced that 74 people have been taken to PuddCorp’s “Magical Detainment Funzone” during the first day of the Taste of Millbank Festival. Also, he said this has been the most successful Taste Festival in history.

To ensure a peaceful event, the City of Millbank contracted with PuddCorp, a multi-billion dollar industrial conglomerate, to augment the supply of butterscotch pudding served at the festival by residents of the Downhill Moderate Senior Living Facility. The Downhill’s pudding has always been the most popular item at the culinary festival. In past years, shortages have resulted in rioting, raccoon rampages and intra-family squabbling.

PuddCorp - Pooding OverlordsUnder its contract with the City, PuddCorp is providing its institutional-purpose pudding-substitute “Pooding” to ensure no Millbank resident goes without something that at least tastes similar to butterscotch pudding, and to keep the event peaceful enough that some citizens will remain long enough to try other local culinary delights, such as Adolf’s Irish Pub’s home-pickled eggs, the Out-of-Bounds Saloon’s Head Cheese Chili, and the Kaffee Klatsch’s Pringle’s brand potato chips.

To further ensure a smooth event, PuddCorp provided a private security detail of 44 heavily-armed guards who were sworn in by the Millbank Police chief as temporary officers. PuddCorp also installed the Funzone, which is surrounded by electric and barb wires to prevent people from sneaking in. The PuddCorp guards monitor pudding distribution and identify “fun-lovers” who will receive a free trip to the Magical Detainment Funzone.  A minimum stay within the Funzone is 48 hours, but PuddCorp executives said some people have loved it so much they never came back out.

PuddCorp executives said all 74 current visitors to the Magical Detainment Funzone were highly deserving. However, they would not provide any clues as to how other Millbank residents can win a free ticket. It is estimated that 72 people have received free tickets for unstated reasons, while the remaining two were rewarded for loitering near the festival grounds with banned musical instruments.

The Mayor and PuddCorp said the Funzone has room to accommodate as many “fun-lovers” as they identify. The Mayor asked residents to “Remain calm and non-confrontational during the remainder of the Taste of Millbank Festival, and contantly praise the Pooding so graciously provided by these large men surrounding me.”

PuddCorp executives added, “Or else.”

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Pudding Quandary Solved Says City
Written by Millbank Daily-Weekly   

PuddCorp Manufacturing Facilities

Major Conglomerate Hired to Prevent Pudding-shortage Related Rioting

In an effort to mitigate the risk of butterscotch pudding shortages and rioting during this year’s Taste of Millbank festival, City officials announced they have contracted with PuddCorp International to provide additional supplies during the festival.

Butterscotch pudding is the most popular dish at the annual “Taste in Millbank.” In recent years it has accounted for as much as 80% of all food sales, and 45% of beverage sales.

However, residents of the Downhill Moderate Senior Living Facility have always handcrafted the pudding in small batches using a closely-guarded recipe that locals call, “The most delicious butterscotch pudding in the world.” It sells out each year, and those who got none have caused vandalism, looting, unnecessary name-calling and issued death threats against the City’s economically-challenged seniors.

The City has been unsuccessful in convincing the Downhill residents to produce more butterscotch pudding, enough for everyone. Some critics claim the seniors enjoy the chaos that ensues when supplies run out, and get out chairs to watch. The seniors have denied and said they sit down, “Because we are tired.”

The City said it had to take steps to prevent a repeat of previous years’ incidents.

Local Downhill pudding maker“Thanks to PuddCorp, there will be no shortages,” said an official Millbank press release. “There will be enough stuff that tastes like butterscotch for everyone.” The release went on to list the qualifications of PuddCorp, a subsidiary of Lead Pipe Industries, including their two million square foot manufacturing facility and their contracts to provide soft desserts to correctional facilities and asylums for the mentally deranged in 47 states. PuddCorp also recently settled several lawsuits. As a result its product must be called “pooding” and can only be referred to as “butterscotch-like.” Also, warning labels must be present to warn those with allergies to peanuts, whey and rat feces of their presence in the pooding.

“We chose PuddCorp because we doubt they’d serve it to America’s prisoners if it weren’t delicious,” said a Millbank spokesman, “And the price! Well, let’s just say it was less than a tenth the cost of the next bid. We think residents will really savor the flavor of a government being good stewards with their tax dollars.”

PuddCorp will bring in over 40,000 gallons of pooding in an open-air semi-truck. The PuddCorp butterscotch-like product will be served throughout the festival, randomly alongside the local handcrafted pudding to prevent residents from getting angry when the Downhill’s supply is expended.

“Pooding and pudding,” said a city spokesman, “people won’t know the difference. This is looking like it will be the best, least violent, Taste of Millbank ever.”

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New Master Plan Attempts to Keep Millbank Safe
Written by Helen Hamilton   

MILLBANK - In its lengthy and eventful history, Millbank has survived countless floods, fires, disease outbreaks and wild animal attacks. Mobs have grown violent over pudding shortages. Hoodlums have defaced public art without remorse. This checkered past has influenced Millbank's master planning team in designing a new and improved Millbank.

“Other towns have to consider natural disasters as well,” says City Councilman and owner/ manager of Gary’s Pet Emporium, Gary Shanks, “but in Millbank, we’ve had to learn to expect the unexpected.” To that end, the city council and Clean Springs-based firm Civic Excellence Consultants have worked closely with the Disaster Lab at Tri-City Community College in order to identify the dangers most likely to hit Millbank and what protections are needed to avoid them.Disaster plan for Millbank

In the latest plans released by the Clean Springs-based master planning company, Civic Excellence Consultants, heavy dikes would be constructed adjacent not only to the Water River, but also Duck Pond and the Millbank Aquatic Complex. “Millbank’s topography is such that it is almost impossible to go even fourteen months without a major flood event,” explains Lawrence Kliphoffer, Principal Planner BM BO XYZPDQ. The dikes are reinforced by soft absorbent padding, which will also protect the “accident-prone populace” as it walks along the proposed new greenbelt trail. “Actually, most surfaces in the town will be wrapped in this same material,” says Kliphoffer, “we’ve learned from our research that Millbankians simply can’t deal with sharp corners or hard surfaces. We believe this change will result in over 45% fewer emergency room visits within the first year of installation.”

The master planners have also considered some of the social aspects of their plans. “Many towns are designing public spaces, such as parks or plazas, to allow for informal mingling and a sense of community. We know from our time in Millbank that this is just asking for trouble. The new plan purposefully keeps residents separated. Think of it as ‘out of sight, out of mind’.” Kliphoffer estimates that these changes will reduce police hotline calls by 66% and pellet gun use by 87%.

Other new features of the master plan include strategically-placed towers with armed guards to take out any potentially threatening wild animals and softly piped music to calm juveniles before they commit any antisocial offenses. Local resident Linda Ovine, 59, after hearing of the plans, remarked, “Giant diapers and snipers are very well and good, but what about the gamma rays or slide whistles? What will the planners do to save us from those abominations?”

When presented with these concerns, Kliphoffer sighed and added gamma rays and slide whistles to his list of possible disasters. “If we could, we would construct a big plastic bubble to put around the whole town,” says Kliphoffer. “Perhaps in a few years, the technology will finally be there. It’s not so much that we’re worried about danger coming into town as stupidity leaking out.”

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Today in Millbank History

September 28, 2008

Twelve-year old resident, Brittney Howard, is introduced to an avocado for the first time.  She pronounces it "gross."

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Millbank Crime Watch

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